127: Coming back to one in a world divided


Episode 127: Today on the show I wanted to talk about the divide in our country and what we can do on a personal level to bring it back together.

I hope that it serves you.


You’re listening to Episode 127 of The Art of Living big. Happy October, you guys I can’t even believe it’s already October. I guess this is our second show in October. But I still feel like it’s a whirlwind. How did this even happen? We are like careening headfirst into 2019. Like we’re coming up on the final turn

to head into 2019.

I’ve got some fun things planned that will help you prep and prepare over the next couple of months for 2019. So just be sure you subscribe. So you get the updates of the show, when we’re live. It’s usually Monday or Tuesday, but that way you get the update. And we’re gonna kind of walk along this path. But for today, we’re talking about oneness. And I hope that you enjoyed this show, I hope that it serves you. But before we do that, I got another review on the podcast. So I this is my little way of celebrating. Caitlin said, The Art of Living big is a must listen. But he breaks down all the topics in ways that are easy to apply to your life and easy to understand. I enjoy listening every week. Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. I enjoy bringing it to you every week, I’m going to start doing I think I’m going to start doing like some kind of T shirt giveaway. And I’m going to pick somebody every week that leaves a review because this is fun and, and I recently got an Apple Pencil and so I’ve been like pretty much like a professional artist. So I feel like

I could make a T shirt.

Anyway, all of that to say, I have a new show for you today. So thanks for listening. Let’s

go to the show.

Welcome to the art of living big. I’m your host, Betsy


And this podcast is designed to share interviews and new ideas to help you redefine what could be possible for your life. Now,

let’s go live big.

Hey, everyone, welcome to the show. So the past couple of weeks have been pretty tense around here

in the United States. And if you

don’t live in the United States, you may still know what’s been going on with the Cavanaugh hearings and all of the drama and circus around trying to pick a new supreme court justice. Now, this episode will help you I would hope even if you don’t live in the United States, and even if this didn’t directly impact you. But what I want to talk about today is just kind of been on my mind, like how do we move through this. And no matter what side of that that you’re on, I hope that what I’m going to say might help you to

shift a little bit and to think differently,

not differently about your point of view, I’m not trying to get you to change your point of view, I don’t have any interest in that. But what I do have an interest in is helping you still remain close with the people that may have a different point of view, then you do so. And it’s the sensitive topic, right? Because I’m going to guess that no matter what side you’re on, if we’re taking sides, no matter what side you’re on, you feel really passionate about it. Like it might even anger you to think about somebody thinking differently than you do. It might cause a lot of frustration, you might have cried about it. I’ve noticed that since Trump got elected, that there has been like a lot more of this. Almost like I think of it as like this thick energy like it’s hard to move through it. And I have found that it’s almost as if we are identifying who’s on our side and who’s on the other side. Right? So it’s almost like we’re identifying where the separation is. So if you’re over there, if you’re on the other side, then I need to distance myself from you in some way or I don’t agree with you. And if I don’t agree with you about this thing, if I don’t agree with you about electing Trump, or I don’t agree with you, about Kavanagh being confirmed, then I don’t understand anything about you. It’s almost this feeling that I if if we are on different ends of the spectrum with this, then I must have missed judged everything. Because now I don’t think we have anything in common. And I know that I have lots of friends that I love and respect who have stopped having friends that think differently than they do about this one thing. Because when they would explain it to me, they would say well, if I misjudged that one thing, they think differently about everything. And so I think it has caused this huge divide in us and continues to like push us apart and apart and apart. Now I think there is a whole group Cause in terms of fighting for women’s rights and and fighting for the rights of minorities and all of that, I’m not talking about any of that. All I’m talking about is how can we bring it back together, so that we see our friends and neighbors as one. Because in the end, I believe that we are all one. And in fact, as you’re thinking crappy things about the people that you hate that think differently than you do, and I get it, like, you’re not like, actively thinking you hate them, but you have this rate, I’m going to guess that you are like me and my friends. And that you if they’re, they think differently on than you on these topics. You feel like, Oh, my God, how can it be possible? How is that even possible? I don’t even understand that. And you immediately have this wedge in your mind that I’m not like them.

That’s different. That’s totally different.

Now, from a brain science point of view, what does that do immediately, my subconscious does not know the difference between you talking about yourself and you talking about somebody else. So I want you to hear me on that. When you are talking in your head, the self talk or you’re talking to your friends, your subconscious does not know the difference between what you’re saying about other people and what you’re saying about yourself. So as you’re saying stuff, like, how can they be so stupid? How can they think like that? Wow, why are they they’re so entitled, what are the like, what are the things you’re saying, your subconscious brain,

the Warrior Within

things, you’re talking about you. And so I want you to just give that a moment of thought. And so if that is true, then it’s really important that you see things in a little bit different way for your own growth, and to be able to live your own

damn big life,

right? And so how can we begin to switch that? How can we begin to like merge the two things together, so that we understand a little bit differently about where people are coming from? Okay, so here’s the thing. And you may have heard Tony Robbins talking about this about the six basic human needs. So they are, they’re the six needs that every human needs to have to be able to thrive, right. So it’s certainty and comfort, I’m going to go through them. And then I want to just talk about uncertainty and comfort, uncertainty. So our brains really like variety, it like something new significance, we want to feel like we matter, love and connection, right? So we thrive on having that connection with people or with our dogs or whatever it is growth. So we want to always be growing in whatever capacity so in our relationships and our jobs, whatever it is, we want to be growing, and contribution. So if you think about like, like, what’s the very first thing you think when something really good happens is you want to call and tell somebody, right? And so that feeling of giving is actually so many times better than the feeling of getting. So if we all have these six basic human needs, what is happening right now to the number one basic need, which is certainty, certainty. So when we don’t feel certain about things, it causes us a lot of anxiety. It causes us to react in certain ways. And you know, if you’ve been listening to this show for a long time, how do we react to things, we react to things based upon the lenses of what we’ve been wearing? Now, what are the lenses you’ve been wearing? What are the sunglasses you have on that make you see the whole world, it doesn’t mean it’s reality, it means you’re seeing it through your lens. Now your lens is made up of all the things that have happened to you in your whole life. It’s it’s a made up of where you grew up, when you were born, where you were born, what your parents were, like, who your parents hung out with, what your experience was in school, any kind of impactful, high emotional experiences that you had as a young person, all of the hurt and pain that you’ve experienced, it matters on all the great things that have happened to you. All the joy, all of those things. Change your lens, no, your lens is different than anybody’s nobody has a lens like yours, which is

why your opinion matters. Your ideas

matter. All of that stuff matters. So when we’re talking about something like what’s been happening in the United States last couple years, and we talk about that uncertainty, we have a filter that we look at it from and we think that is the filter that everybody has. And so we go well how on earth could anybody think differently? Look, I’m looking, I’m looking through my filter, like how could you see this any differently now? I’m not saying what side is right or what side is wrong, I think there’s probably pieces in both. Okay. But what I’m saying is, how can we bring it back to one. And one way that you can begin to do this, if you have a friend that you have not been spending as much time with, maybe you miss them, but you have sort of distance yourself because you know that you see this thing differently. Or maybe it’s a family member, you know, I’ve heard people tell stories about how they can’t even have Thanksgiving together, because everybody feels so differently and thinks so differently. Now, I think there’s a lot of really great, like obvious things you can do in situations like that, like have rules that you don’t talk about the politics, or you don’t talk about the thing that causes the anxiety and the stress when you’re at like a family holiday. But on a general level, like how do we bring this back together? Like how do you even begin to like a person again, that you believe now thinks so differently and thinks so wrongly,

and the way that they think,

causes you? uncertainty, and that’s like the number one human basic human need is that I need to have certainty. But you, my friend, her causing me uncertainty. And so what does that do is it causes me to like panic, to feel really wobbly, to feel unstable, to be to want to distance myself to be angry, because I want certainty. So when we are

in a situation like

this, and as you’re going about your day, and you’re finding you have coworkers, you have people in your life that think so much differently. A really good way to start this is not to think, Oh my gosh, I have to agree with them, or I have to get them to agree with me. Nope. But if you could understand why they think that if you can be super curious if instead of like, if you could instead drop that armor, and say I’m going to get really curious about what their lens looks like, because here’s what I believe. I believe that if I had the same exact experiences, as my father in law loves Trump, okay, so I am not a Trump lover, it does not mean that I hate you. If you are a Trump lover, please understand I’m a human being and I’m trying to work move through this as well. But when I think about my father in law loves Trump, like, Where’s the hat, Trump Glover has, has loved Trump since before he was elected, voted for him, like, you know, the whole nine yards. If I lived his life, if I grew up where he grew up, if I lived the way he lived, if I was born, the year he was born in the environment he was born into, in had the experiences he had the military time, if I had, like, if my experiences were exactly the same as his, I might think totally the same that he does. And now if he grew up, when I grew up, where I grew up with the parents that I had, with the experiences that I had with the trauma, and the joy and all of the different things that I’ve had, well, being a woman like all of these things, he might think exactly the same way that I do. And so in the end, when I look at it like that, we’re not really that different, we are only looking through our lens, and seeing what we see. Now, this can seem like a really simple shift. But when you can bring this into your awareness. So as somebody is starting now, there is going to be a time where you may have a healthy debate, there will be a time where maybe you feel like you need to go protest. And there may be a time where you feel like you need to speak up about something, do whatever it is that you feel like you need to do, but know that you’re doing it through your lens and what you think is right through your value and belief system. But if there is somebody that’s important to you, that feels differently than you, then it may help you to move through this muck by understanding that they are only trying to gain certainty. And they are doing that by using their experiences, and all of the views and all of the lenses of everything that they’ve ever gone through in the time that they were born and all the things and when you look at it like that, it might help you to drop the judgment and the despair. And it might help you to say you know what, we’re not that different because I would probably do things exactly the same way. Now, one of the other basic human needs Is this need for significance. And so if you feel like you are not being heard, right, so we can get significance in lots of different ways, right? We can get significance by having a fancy car or shopping or like we can get those like hits of significance in different ways. But many times, it’s by being heard. And by having the world reflect that your feelings are valid and right. So I want you to think about that, too. If you’re getting really frustrated, and you’re in an environment where you’d like to not be frustrated, ask yourself, Is there another way that I can find significance in this without trying to make everybody feel, think and move through the world in exactly the same way that I am. So this can be a little bit more difficult because especially if it’s a work environment, or you know, like a family situation, there are times where I will disagree with my husband about things and he’s super even keeled, I’ll get a little crazy. And he’ll stay really even keel, thankfully. But, you know, there are times where I’m like, how is it that we see things so differently? Like, I don’t even understand how did I miss this? How did I miss this.

But here’s the reality is that he’s seeing things through his lens, and that he’s getting significance in a totally different way. So I would get significance and feel significant, if he agreed with me, and he saw the world through a woman’s eyes, right. So that’s really what I want, I want him to go wow, that that’s what it must be like to be a woman, I never noticed that before, I would feel significant and feel seen. And so is there a way that you can just simply ask for that, I would like you, maybe you explain that maybe you share this podcast, I would like you to, I’m going to try to understand your sunglasses, and I want you to understand my sunglasses. And when you can do that in a way that is respectful, and sharing. And you’re both in it, like you’re both in it to win it, then you can have a much bigger conversation and actually gain a whole lot of growth, which is another one of the basic human needs. significance, you can feel heard and understood. And that connection, which is another one of the basic human needs can all be brought together. So maybe this whole experience doesn’t have to be as dividing as it is, maybe there is a way for you to move through it in a in a new way. Understand the Oneness that is there and how we’re also connected and what you were saying about other people your brain thinks you’re saying about you. And if you can use this to your advantage, if you can use this as a place to drop your guard and be open to a new way of thinking and to expressing yourself and being heard in a new way. Now you have to find the right person to do this, right. But if you can do that, and if you have friends that love you, then they probably want to do it too, then you will meet so many of these needs, you’ll get more certainty and comfort. You’ll feel love and connection in a different way you’ll feel significant because you’ll feel heard, and you’ll have gross all the things. So take care of yourself. If you’re struggling with what’s going on, I see you and I know that this is a difficult time. And I know one little 20 minute podcast isn’t going to change your life about it. But I hope that it gets you to maybe just think a little bit differently about what could be possible and how you could be moving this and how you could be making change in the world in a new way. Because when people are heard and when people feel significant, and they feel certainty, then they may be more apt to listen to you to and your point of view. And you may be able to move things faster and quicker. And in a way that benefits all of us as one. So thank you so much for listening this week. I hope that this served you please come and find me on Instagram. That’s where I am most of the time. It’s just at Betsy Pake I would love to hear what you think, or how you’re moving through this or what you’re doing to help bring us together as well. And, as always, here’s a little message from my husband.

That’s it.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai


Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs


*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.