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Welcome to The Art of Living big podcast. My name is Betsy Pake, and I’m an author, speaker, and a master mindset coach focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of your subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Hello fellow adventurers. Welcome to today’s show. I’m excited to talk to you today. Because last week, we talked about self sabotage.
And I was gonna say I was surprised how many people reached out and said that that episode spoke to them so much and that they had been experiencing this. And you know, it’s only today, I guess it’s the 15th of January. So that episode came out last week. And people were saying they were already experiencing this for in the new year, right with their new goals and hopes and dreams for what could happen in 2020.
And so I think that this is so common. And it makes a ton of sense. It’s, it’s how our brain works, our brains are designed to bring us back to consistency and staying in the place where we are. And by consistency, I mean, staying in that little zone of comfort, right, it likes to be consistently doing the same kinds of things, not going too far off track, you know, if you get to the edges of the thing, it’s going to start your brain is going to start to do things to alert you. And it’s designed to do that to be helpful, right.
Because at one point, we needed to be really wary of anything that was new. But that’s not our reality now, and we’ve got some goals and dreams for 2020. And so as I started getting these messages, and I started thinking back to some of the things that I’ve talked about with my clients, and a reoccurring theme that comes up. So I want to dive into this, which is really like another side of the coin of self sabotage and how I see this happening. This is where a limited belief of self
causing you to choose small goals. Now you might be thinking, but I’ve chosen some really big goals, right? But I’m going to talk about this a little bit more. But I want you to notice what’s happening to you, as you’ve chosen these really big goals and how you’re feeling now, January 15. Most people get rid of their resolutions by the 14th.
There’s a reason why. So let’s dive into this. And we’re going to do a little exercise here together. But here’s what I see is that some people can dream really big, some people have trouble even dreaming. But some people have the ability to dream really, really big. You know, they have really lofty goals, they start off with a bang. But as things progress, and they start to make even starts to make some headway, then it becomes really complicated.
Like, things get a little confusing, or they get sidetracked. And so at first, they may have decided I’m going to go for that big goal, but all of the sudden, they go, maybe I need to do this, maybe I should just do this instead. So there’s like this rationalization that happens, right, this conversation in their head, and then that turns to a conversation with other people that maybe they’ve talked about the big goal. And they say, I’m gonna focus on the smaller goal first. So basically saying that the big goal, which is the real desire, and the real vision, this is really the thing that lights them up.
They’re like MIT, that’s probably not for me or not for me right now or not for me this year, I’ll get there. And so they have to bring it down a notch and go for something smaller, they convinced themselves that this is a really good solution, right? Because this makes a lot more sense. You know, you got to move up to one thing before you can move up to the other thing. And when you think about like smart goals, the are is realistic, right? Which is why I’ve always hated that. I don’t want to be realistic, but it’s realistic. And so they choose a smaller goal that feels doable and within reach.
And here’s the thing, this is, this makes a ton of sense. And it’s safe. You know, if you have a really huge goal, and you express it to somebody, they might give you the Ah, that’s not gonna really work. That seems like a lot. How are you going to do that? And many times people that really love us will do this because they don’t want us to be disappointed or to get hurt. And so their brain even has a desire for us to stay where we are not because they don’t love us. It’s because they love us. And so our default tends to be this like All right, I’ve got this big idea of his big dream, this is what I want. This is the ultimate vision. But right now I’m just gonna choose this other thing. It feels doable, and it feels within reach.
But the thing that you don’t realize is that this smaller goal is actually keeping you right within your comfort zone. I’m going to guess if this is you, and you’ve picked a smaller goal, that the goal you’ve chosen is not too far out from where you are, it doesn’t ever put you too far on the edge of what’s comfortable, or what’s normal. That’s why it feels better. That’s why it seems like a good idea. It feels like a good idea. And it seems like a good idea. And it sounds like a good idea. Because it doesn’t put you too far out on your comfort zone. It doesn’t make you go oh my god. But how could I ever do that? I like goals make me think how am I ever going to do that yet, I notice that I will try and toggle back.
And I have to catch myself. So I have to be aware of it. So in order to move out of that and to take the bigger leaps, you have to be able to ignore the reality right in front of you. And you have to believe in yourself in such a much deeper way that you must shift your representation of what you think is available to you. So I want to say that, again, when you choose a huge, huge goal, it puts you out on the edge of what you’re comfortable with. And not only that in the self, that self sabotage. But not only that, it stretches what you think is available to you.
It stretches what
you think you deserve. And so it changes what you decide
to go for.
Now, if you want to be able to avoid this level of self sabotage, which I believe comes, I think this comes up for everybody, even the the great the Oprah’s of the world, I do believe this comes up for everybody. But you have to shift so that you believe that you are able to manufacture magic in a really big way. If you have a big huge goal 2020 I want to do this thing, I have to believe that I am the kind of person who could do that thing. And so I’m going to guess that most of us have a block there.
I know I do. I’m including myself in that this is why I’m teaching it today because I’m noticing it in myself. So I want you to do a quick scan right now. And I’m going to name different areas of your life. So all I want you to do, you can be driving, you can just be thinking whatever walking, I want you to think about the things that I’m going to say. And I want you to I want you to notice them, and what ones cause you to feel restriction.
So how will you know what’s restriction. So when I feel restriction, I sometimes will feel like flip flopping in my belly. Sometimes, which can be confused with excitement. So I want you to just notice, it can also feel like a constriction in my chest, you know, it might be a sometimes I get a feeling of disappointment. It’s like I feel the the that it’s not available to me, I can feel that.
So what I want you to do is notice what you feel is available to you. Okay, so you’re going to feel this in your body. And the other thing that might happen is your mind won’t want to hold on to the thought it’s going to push it away. And it’s not going to want you to even think about it. Or your brain might immediately start to show you other times where you tried to accomplish something similar in that area and that you failed. And it is doing this just in a wild attempt to get you to not focus on it.
Because if you’re focusing on something, it means you might be doing it. And remember, your brain doesn’t know the difference doesn’t know if you’re just thinking about it, or if you’re actually doing it. And if that is too far outside this comfort zone, it’s going to alert you. So just notice your body. Okay.
So when you’re done, I just want you to remember which one you felt restriction you may feel them on on on all of them. And if you feel it and everything, well, then we really have to talk. So all right, are you ready? So I want you to think about your romantic relationship, the partner you have now or if you’re single, just the idea that you could have a partner. Is it amazing? Do you feel supported and loved?
Is this a partnership? Okay, now I want you to think about friendships. Do you feel valued? Is it a lot of fun? Do you feel connected? Do you have friendships where you could just call and talk to somebody on the phone? Think about where you feel restriction. You’re ready. Think about money. Think about your savings account.
Think about your income. Think about your ability. to retire, oh, you feel a restriction? way to think about your spiritual life, whether it’s a church or your own version of growth, and time spent learning more about who you are? Is there any restriction in there? Is there a restriction around the amount of time that you have to do it? Your lack of direction in it?
Now, I want you to think about your career.
Do you feel fulfilled? And what you’re actually doing? Are you engaged and happy doing during the day? Do you enjoy your co workers? All right, where did you feel the restriction? Was it on all of them? Was it on just one or a couple? Let me ask you this. Do you feel totally unlimited that anything is possible? If you felt restriction, then you don’t feel like totally unlimited and anything is possible. And I believe that we can create some really crazy big things I’ve seen. I’ve seen people do it.
I’ve seen other people do it, y’all. So I know that it is possible. And I know in my own life, I’ve created some magic. And I know that there’s still areas where I consciously, I feel, yes, that is possible, anything is possible. But when I start thinking about it, my subconscious tells me different. How do I know that because I feel it in my body. So remember, my body and my brain are communicating.
So I need to be paying attention to this stuff. And when I catch it, I am when I’m moving through the world, when I’m meeting a friend for lunch, when I’m driving down the street, and I think of something and I feel restriction, that is the thing. So that’s when you go, that’s the thing I have to heal. That’s the thing that has to shift for me, if I want to have the dreams that I want to have, that’s the thing I have to work on.
So if you felt any restriction, that’s where you begin. So let’s just pretend it’s money. What I want you to do is I want you to pause this or after you’re done. I want you to think about what is true about it. What’s true about money, what do you really think? Do you think it’s like abundant? Do you like really think, like, when you write this down, if you feel a restriction around what you’ve written, I want you to erase it.
Backspace, I want you to write what you really think this is a time to get super honest with yourself. What is it? I really think about this, because you can shift it. But we’ve got to get clear on what the reality is. Look at what are your beliefs? What are your values around each of these things? Do you know what you would like them to be?
Once you know what they are you can look at and go that doesn’t feel good? That’s not what I want. That doesn’t serve me. So there’s two different questions here. What are your what are what is true?
What do you really believe? What do you really believe about money? Write it down? And then the second question is, do you know what you would like those beliefs to look like? So you know, inside my coaching program, that’s what we do is I give so many tools, because we can change, we can change anything any belief at I mean, it can happen so fast, your head would spin. But you’ve got to know what it is you need to change.
And so that I think is where the work is. And really like, you know, I say to the ladies in my program, if we can get through a ton of clearing in those 810 weeks get through a ton of clearing. And but then every day moving forward, you are clearing, clearing, clearing, you know, every day, I’m looking at stuff noticing where I feel restriction, I’ll grab my phone and write it in the notes like I am keeping a tally, so that I can be constantly clearing.
And you know, over the last 18 months, so many things have changed about my life. And I know I get a lot of emails about the beach house. My daughter lives here. My husband is an attorney that is licensed in Georgia. I really want to live next to a huge airport. I want to live in Atlanta inside the city instead of where I live. And I want to have my beach house as my second home. So there is a reason why I live where I am. It’s a conscious decision.
But so much has shifted because I couldn’t have gotten to that place with that level of clarity around what it is I really want. If I had layers and layers and layers and layers of restriction and crap. There was a time and you may have heard me say it on the show. I mean, even six months ago, I was like I don’t really know where I want to live.
This was a huge problem. But it was because I couldn’t Dream big enough because I had still layers left to release. So if you feel restriction, that is where you’re going to begin because here’s what happens when you start to dream really big. If you dream outside the edges of where you felt that risk. friction, what your brains gonna do?
It’s gonna say, you know what, don’t do that do this, it’s going to give you a doable solution that will say that that thing that’s way too big right now, that’s too much. Try something else. Let’s be realistic. Come on, take this little thing. This, I see this happens so much. I see this happen over and over again. Well, my real goal is this. But right now, I’m going to do this.
And I’m not saying there’s not steps and plateaus and things that you need to get to, you know, accomplish to move up, move up, move up, but you hold the large image, you hold that you hold the desire, the deepest desire. And here’s some truth to are you ready, because all the things that you felt restriction about, I’m gonna say something that’s might make you feel more restriction.
Here’s the truth is, uh, you configure your own perception in your mind. you organize your own goals within your mind, you create this. So you may have taken it originally from somebody else, you may have taken it from a parent, when you were five, it could have been something you learned along the way, it could be something that you created when you had a crappy boss two years ago, right? But you have created it.
Even if your parents were broke, and your parents were always losing their jobs, and you never had enough money, you still created the vision and the restriction around it. The circumstances don’t hold the restriction, it’s your feeling around it. If that’s true, that is so empowering. Because that means you can change it.
That means anything that feels limited, anything that feels restriction, anything you think has been holding you back, any huge issue in your life, any drama that you’ve had any trauma that you’ve had, it can be shifted. It might not happen just like that. But a lot of things can. A lot of things can. So if you have a belief that you aren’t there yet.
And this is something that I see, you think like, and I talk to coaches many times and they’ll say this, well, I just need a little bit more training, like I do got to get a little bit more training, right.
So they think I don’t have the skills to do it yet, or I don’t have the resources or I don’t have the network, I just haven’t met the right people. Right? Once I have that, then I’ll be able to experience what it is I really want. This is just one more way that you’re saying no to yourself. It’s one more way that you’re keeping yourself, right where you are keeping yourself in this loop of like Groundhog Day. So you think of a big idea. And your brain toggles you back down to something doable. And you’ll know that’s happening because you’re going to feel this restriction. So here’s why.
I believe it is so important to have a vision of what feels fun and what feels good. You know, there was a time where I didn’t know where I wanted to live. But I knew how I wanted it to make me feel. And I knew the rest would unveil itself to me as time went on. Because I held the vision. And I got really clear around what that is.
And now here’s going to be the trick is that we cannot change anything about the future. The only moment you can change is this, this, this and this and this and this this moment.
So if that’s true, if I can only be like this is the only moment then how do I create something that’s really big and like way outside of me like absolutely action, massive aligned action. I’m a huge fan of let’s do that. But also noticing in every moment, what is causing me to stay where I am, and releasing that.
So you have a place that you go to that is your home, it’s your emotional home. And I’m going to tell you how to figure out what it is if you don’t know what it is. You’re gonna get cut off in traffic. And you’re gonna find your emotional home.
So your emotional home might be anger, or your emotional home might be sadness, mine sadness. If somebody says something mean to me, I don’t get angry, I cry. Right? So if something happens, I just feel bad. So yours might be sadness. Yours might be anger, yours might be remorse, yours might be like whatever that is. You’re going to notice it when something triggers you What’s your default emotion?
Where do you go? And I believe that those are really great places to start to. So what is it that I need to heal? There’s so many things. I know that a lot of my sadness comes from my mom dying when I was in high school. Right. And I’ve talked about that a lot.
So I know tons of it come from that. And that is something that I spend time every single day clearing and trying to just identify and noticing and giving myself the parenting that I needed at that time. Right. So going back using meditation, like there’s so many different tools we can use,
but it is in those
moments that you’re going to notice what is happening. And it might be something like, you go online, and you look at your bank account, and you feel something. Even if it’s not a moment, right, then that you can explore that write it down so that you can explore it later. But if I can, when I have an emotion that feels like a restriction that feels like this isn’t this I can tell there’s something that’s causing me to not feel good. And it’s surrounding my thoughts around this thing. I know that I configure my own perception.
So what do I need to do to be able to shift that perception, it is within my ability and having tools absolutely can help. But it is it is within it is within me, that can create this. So feel empowered, that as you noticed any restriction when we went through that list.
That was awesome, like rejoice, because it is exciting times my friend, if you noticed, where your restriction is, you can dive in. And I always say like, I grab it like a dog on a bone. And I don’t let go like I get to the bottom of that thing. No matter what it is, I’m I’m like, if I can’t get it done, you know, in one episode, figuring it out, like I continue, continue. And then I have a plan to be constantly reinforcing what i do want.
And there’s so many different ways to do this. But I think the very first thing that you need to do is to find where you feel the restriction, and then dive into what you really believe about it. Yesterday, I worked with somebody and they pulled out pages of their beliefs around one thing, pages, getting clear, that clarity, just the clarity alone, you bringing that into your conscious awareness, having your consciousness and your subconscious align and going this is how this is what we’ve been believing. And making the choice to be able to shift is huge.
There is so much goodness ahead for you, goodness that I believe we have not even tapped into. If we can release the layers that are holding you where you are, you can start to experience your own kind of magic. And when you do that, I believe that is when you’re living a big life.
Now, if you want some help with this, I have a free training on my website. You can start there, you can be sure to join our Facebook group. You can get to that on my website as well just go to Betsy pake.com. And of course if you’d like to talk to me if you’re ready to take these steps and you want some clarity around what you’re dealing with,
you can schedule a free breakthrough call with me.
You just go to Betsy Pake comm backslash, let’s talk and we will hash it out. So I will see you all next week. Thanks so much for being here. And I’ll talk to you soon. Thanks so much for listening today. Just a reminder, we’ll see you on Mondays and Thursdays. Now if you enjoyed this show, I would love it if you shared it with your friends.
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