224: The pain of upleveling - Betsy Pake

224: The pain of upleveling


Today’s show I talk about the pain of upleveling and everything that goes into taking on a new identity as we grow.

You can join the Facebook group here for the Live Show: www.Theartoflivingbig.com


Welcome to The Art of Living big podcast. My name is Betsy Pake, and I’m an author, speaker and a master mindset coach focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of your subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big.

 Hello fellow adventurers. Welcome to today’s show. So today, I want to talk to you a little bit about the pain of up leveling. And this might be something that you’re experiencing right now. I know it’s something that I’m going through. 

And so I thought it might be helpful. Well, I know it will be helpful for me to be able to express it all and share it and maybe it’ll be helpful for you too, because you may see yourself in some of what I’m describing. So as we talk about this and the pain of up leveling Want to let you know that over the next couple of weeks, I won’t be having a show.

 But there will be shows available. I’ve got two really great interviews like amazing, awesome people to bring you over the next couple weeks. But because of that, I want to share a couple things before we get going, because I won’t be able to tell you stuff that I might want to tell you in the next couple of weeks. 

So I’m going to be taking those few weeks off. I’ve got these awesome interviews. So still look for the show. But I also want to let you know that I’m going to be starting a live show. So you’ll still get this podcast but there is going to be a live show. 

That’s going to be starting in just the next couple of weeks, you’re going to be able to watch the live show on Tuesdays inside my facebook group. So you’re gonna want to go to the art of living big.com and that will push you right into the Facebook group. 

But that is going to be something you can put on your calendar. It will be coaching and live a live show every Tuesday. I think it’s gonna be at 10am so stay tuned. More on the exact time that we get worked out.

So I wanted to let you know that I also wanted to give you a couple of ways that you could work with me. We have a membership called the alchemy collective and we are going to be opening up that membership in the next week or so. 

So again, be sure that you’re either in the Facebook group, absolutely get in the Facebook group, but also on my mailing list and you’ll get a notification. The alchemy collective is a membership, it is a monthly membership where you can come in, it’s a freaking amazing community like the people in there are awesome. 

There’s really good shares in there we have a resident astrologist that kind of helps us through the stars and understanding that piece. There is training coaching meditations every month. It’s just really awesome. 

So make sure you get on the mailing list or get in the at the very least get on in the Facebook group so that you can be notified of that. And then the second thing is I’m taking applicants right now for the rise, my rise training. This is a training program that I run it’s a 10 week program.

 It is for people that are really ready to uplevel you know, I love the alchemy collective because it gives you some good information and kind of a piece of me but the people that are in the rise, these are my people. These women are incredible.

 And this is really where I spend most of my time they get tons of access to me, help on everything deep dives, weekly coaching all the things so if this is something that you’re interested in and you want to learn more and you’re really ready to uplevel then head to my website, go to BetsyPake.com/let’s talk and you can book a clarity call. 

It’s a free call where we talk and get clarity and I see if I can even help you. I will tell you if you’re not a good fit for the program, I will tell you that I’ll say I don’t think I can help you with that or I think you should go to see this person or whatever. 

So this is a stress free call but it’s a place for you Be able to connect with me and see if I can help you move forward. Alright, so a couple, those are the couple things that I wanted to say. And now let’s kind of get into the show here and talk about the pain of up leveling. 

You know, a few weeks ago, I talked on the show about how I had this day where I was like, I feel like I’m in the birth canal, right? Like, I just I feel like I’m being squeezed and pushed into something new and it was so uncomfortable. 

And that was the next day when I cleared my whole calendar, and I ended up going to the beach with my husband. So if you listened to that show, it was about lowering the bar to joy. And in that I really found like some really great lessons just about going with the flow and being in my happy place gave me time to reflect and figure out what I really wanted.

 It let me slow down a little bit. And when I came back, I realized that I have been Really in the hustle.

And as soon as I came back, I got right back in the hustle. So I had this lesson that kept kind of nagging at me. But I was back in this super hustle of getting up and getting going and doing all the things and trying to do all the things. And I was getting so overwhelmed. 

And I felt like the things that I was doing didn’t really align with me. It was like, those things made me really happy six months ago, but now it felt bad. And so I started to really take a look at that, like what is happening and why is it that the things that once made me happy are now making me feel really drained. 

One of the things that I’ve talked about on the show before is making a list right of what are the things that bring me energy, and what are the things that take away my energy and when I did that exercise And really reflected, I was like, a lot of what I’m doing is taking away my energy and feeling completely depleted.

 And so I really was looking at this, like, what is it that I need to do? And I wanted to understand what was happening. Like why this was happening. Now. I don’t know that we need to understand every little thing. But for me, I like to map it out so that I can see it. 

And then I can help somebody else to see it when it’s happening to them, right. So I felt like, Alright, if this is happening to me, then I know it’s happening to other people. And what was the catalyst? How did this start? And I’ve definitely felt like I was up leveling and it was uncomfortable, right? 

Because the things that I used to do didn’t feel good. So that means I’m moving to something else. But because I kept doing the same old things, it was making me it’s causing me to feel stuck, right to feel like I’m in this old version of me that I don’t like but I’m not doing anything different and I don’t know what to do.

 And so I just decided to just pause to just stop. And I changed my calendar all around so that every day I did not start work or have an opportunity to start work until 1030. So I know that I’m lucky that I’m able to do that. 

But maybe if you work for somebody else, you can adjust your calendar so you’re not having meetings with somebody so that you’re taking care of the stuff you need to take care of first, or whatever that means for you. 

But for me, I wanted to be able to have the time in the morning where I could follow my intuition where I could just do the things that felt good to this new version of me because it was painful trying to stay in the old version. 

And you know, I love my peloton and I talk about my peloton. But it wasn’t feeling good to me to get on the peloton. In fact, I was starting to feel like I should do that. Right? I should do it and So I started listening to what it is I really wanted to do. 

And I kept going back to this idea of me living at the beach. And if you’ve been here for a while, my god, you’re probably exhausted hearing me talk about the beach, but I’m going to tell you a couple things that are that are that are that have been happening. 

So I, but first, let me say this. So I started thinking, like, I just want to be at the beach, because then I could be that version of me. And that’s what I realized. I was like, Wait a second. I want to get to the beach because then I think I can be that version of me. And what does that version of me do? And I have been saying to my husband the last couple weeks if we lived at the beach, I’d go for a walk right now.

But that the experience of me going for a walk here where I live now isn’t what I want, right? It doesn’t make me happy. I don’t like my neighborhood. My neighborhoods. Fine yell. I just don’t like it because it’s not the beach neighborhood that I have in my head.

 It’s a neighborhood. It’s very cookie. cutter. It’s just not what I wanted to experience when I went for my walk. And so I started looking at what are all the things I would do if I was at the beach. And I know that if we want to create the experience, then we’ve got to create the experience regardless of the reality. 

And so I made a list of the things I would do differently at the beach. I would go for a walk every day, I would find joy in the simplest of things, I would relax, I would appreciate where I am. I feel like when I’m there, I will have a freedom I will be able to exhale. 

And so I looked at my life and I was like I have to create that right now. And so I started walking every day in my neighborhood, but only if I felt like it in the morning so far I have but every morning I go for a walk and I haven’t been bringing my dogs because that felt different than it would feel at the beach.

 It brought back into awareness. And if I could just be listening to music or listening to an audio book, I could separate from the reality and just create the experience that I wanted. So I’ve been walking, I’ve been relaxing, I’ve been thinking about things that I would want to do. I’ve been getting way back into scheduling real quality time for my meditations, something that I haven’t done in a long time.

And so I want to offer that to you to start with is that when you’re starting to feel an uncomfortableness with where you are, pause, see what you can shift. Can I shift everything I want to know? 

Not right now, but I can shift a lot of the doings especially in the morning, I can have control over that. And so I’ve started to bring in the things and that has felt so much better.

The other thing is, I’ve noticed in the morning, as soon as I wake up, I’m starting to evaluate beliefs. I’ve noticed as soon as I get up, I’m thinking about what do I really think about abortion, and pizza and health and my family and how families are supposed to be. 

I’ve started to reevaluate everything things that I thought were settled. But when you are up leveling, when you are changing your identity to a new version of you, some things have to fall away. And some things have to just be reevaluated in light of this new version that you’re coming to be. 

So if you’re starting to notice that you feel differently about things that you felt the same about for a long, long time, just allow it just get to a space where you can investigate it. Don’t push it aside because it is part of the up leveling. 

And for me, I feel like the evaluation is as much Part of the up leveling as the new belief, or some of it is the same beliefs, but I’m realizing that I’m looking at them differently. And so it’s important for me to be able to have space to do that.

 If I don’t, then I will continue to stay in the old beliefs. And what that does is creates my identity. So I will continue to stay in the same identity, which isn’t bad if that’s where you want to be. 

But if you’re trying to uplevel and you’re trying to grow and you’re trying to create new experiences, so getting out of the hustle, starting to notice those beliefs, doing the things that I would do if I was where I wanted to be, and then I it kind of caused me to go back and go What, what started this, you know, today I was walking and I was like, what, how did this begin? How did this start?

 And if I want to create this again, if I want to up Again, how can I create it? Once I get through this? It’s painful right now. There’s a lot of almost, I would say, like mourning. Like who I’ve been realizing that I’ve got to let go of a piece of her, and being able to just appreciate her for what she’s done and where she’s brought me. 

You know, sometimes we look back on things and we’re like, oh my god, that was so cringy or, I can’t believe I thought that or did that. But it’s part of the learning. It’s part of what got me here was going through those moments where I screwed up, or I did something I wish I didn’t do, or, or I thought something I wish I didn’t think right. 

And it’s also about letting go of the idea that I want other people to perceive me. Like, I don’t know, let me say it in a different way. People have always perceived me in a certain way and it’s scary to to know Know that they might perceive me in a different way. 

Right? So if I change, if I uplevel, how much will it be? How much will I change? How much of my behavior will really change? Like if I allow these new beliefs because beliefs are going to change what what I do, it’s going to change my action subconsciously. 

So if I reevaluate these beliefs, and I believe something different, then who do I become? And how do people react to me? And are the people that I’m around? Do they stay? Or do they go with what happens? 

So as I was walking, and I’ve been thinking about when did all of this start, what happened? And a few months ago, you know, in the midst of Corona, I think we’ve all kind of scaled back right? We’ve all not been able to do all the things that we’ve always done. 

And so it’s left us sort of with ourselves, and maybe you’ve eaten and drink in yourself to not pay attention to your I’ve done that off and on over this time. So I’m not standing here to judgment. I’m standing here in a understanding. 

But also it is there is a point where then you evaluate, it’s giving you time to look at stuff. So I looked back on my calendar and I journal every day. So it was easy for me to go back. And on June 18, I took a did a breath work class. 

And in that breath, work class, I had a very mystical experience similar to when you’re meditating and you have a really interesting mystical experience when you’re meditating. It was basically the same kind of thing. 

But in this breathwork class, it was like an hour long, breathwork class. I remember I finished and I wrote in my journal that I felt like I was on drugs. I was very much experiencing things in another way. 

And I’ve noted this on the podcast, I’ve talked about this if you listened to all the shows, about me being in the pool, and I can hear the I can feel like there’s rock like a rock wall behind me and I can feel and hear the waterfall. 

And I’m standing in the pool. And there’s somebody talking to me and I know the shape of the pool and I know what the house looks like. So in that experience I, I believe I was there. And it was that experience where I felt the resistance to me moving to the beach dissipate. 

So if you’ve heard me and you’ve been listening to the show for a long time, I talk about moving to the beach all the time. And and if you know me, then you know it’s not really been a thing because I cook because I couldn’t because my husband is his has his job here. 

My daughter has lived here. But in that moment, not the resistance went away. I didn’t have that resistance. So whether my daughter lives here, you know, y’all she’s getting her first apartment. She’s starting her second year of college like her dad lives a mile From her, right, so like it, the resistance to I can’t leave because my daughter’s in high school or whatever it was it, it isn’t valid anymore.

 And in that breathwork class in that mystical experience, all of the resistance went away. And I experienced the reality of me being there. Now, there was absolutely the physical things that I just talked about being in the pool and feeling the water and all of that. But there was also a level of joy that is different from my usual self. 

Now, when I work with my clients, I’ll get them in a state of where they want to be. And then we do a process to notice what’s missing. Like what do they normally have in their life that they don’t have in this experience?

 And then what do they have in this experience that they don’t have in their normal life, right? So I’ve gone back to that moment and Tried to identify what that is. And there is definitely a level of joy.

 It’s almost a carefreeness it is being in the moment, like a very much being in the moment, feeling all the things, seeing all the things and being so appreciative now, in my real life, I think I’m appreciative and I’m grateful and I do all of those exercises, but when it when it comes down to it lately, as I’ve been up leveling, I’m realizing that I’m not really feeling that because I’m so resistant to what is happening right now. And so, as I had that experience, as I had that mystical experience, I realized that I could bring that into my right now that it wasn’t just the physical stuff. It was a sense of being. 

It wasn’t a doing it was the being who Was I being in that moment was really different. Right after Do that breath, work class, everything started going wrong, everything started going wrong. I could give you the list, but just trust me that every thing started to go wrong. 

And I know that when we are creating something new, everything that is currently, your experience has to break apart so that something new can come together. Now I’ve kind of joked about it, how everything broke in my house. My, all of our cars got hit or broken, like everything was changing. 

And so I felt really safe in all of the change where I should have, I say, should have. Maybe in the past, I would have been like, Oh my god, now we’re up to, you know, $10,000 of things broken, but I just didn’t care.

 I just was like, This is the brain apart because something really good is coming together. So now, a couple months later, I can start to feel all of these changes internally. All of these things in the up leveling and I know that whatever is coming together whatever was the catalyst in that breath work experience is starting to move from my reality breaking apart to my internal self questioning breaking apart, right? 

And so it doesn’t feel scary as much as it feels exciting and I’m ready for what’s next. So if you’re feeling stuck or stagnant, it is because where you are no longer feels good, what used to feel good, doesn’t feel good. 

It is a calling and an offering to uplevel. And you can choose to take it or not take it right you can choose to stay stuck, or you can choose to uplevel and that’s that’s the work I do with it. It’s incredible. 

And so it’s wonderful that I’m getting to really do this with myself once again, you know, and it happens over and over and over again, I was talking with a friend, just this morning, and we were talking about how this is what happened when, you know, she said to me, I have been feeling the same thing. 

And this is what happened when I decided to leave my job and you know, change, everything changed. And that is exactly it. Everything changes, and you get new experiences. And then you choose those new experiences. And then after a while, you have the opportunity to uplevel again, and so you get to choose yet again, other experiences.


So, back to who I was allowed to be in Key West who I was allowed to be in that breathwork class when I experienced that. It was this level of joy. It was somebody who took walks for fun, right? instead of walking For exercise, I did not care.

 In my walks in Key West, I did not care about being fast or any of that I could have gone for walks in my flip flops It was about experiencing, being outside and experiencing the environment and experiencing myself in that environment. 

And so I want to give you a couple things that might be helpful to you. So if you feel stuck, and you feel like I must be trying to uplevel and you’re ready to uplevel then ask yourself, what is the what’s happening in my environment? 

Where do I need to release things, and move forward with other things, you know, make your list what is draining me of energy and what feels really good, what gives me energy, and then start doing those things that give you energy, like take the actions to shift and this is the part I think can be really difficult because we’ve always done what we’ve always done, and so It feels scary to do something different. 

You know, today I was walking, and a really good song came on. And right off, I was like, I want to dance. I know this sounds so weird. And I immediately thought, if I was in Key West, I could just dance because everybody in Key West is weird, right? That’s my perception. 

And but here, I would be the weird woman. And then I would be the weird, like, almost 50 year old woman, middle aged woman. And then I realized, okay, Betsy, look at that. Look at all of the beliefs like I just named, I mean, there’s probably 25 or 50 beliefs just in that right there. So like, what a 50 year old woman woman like is 50 midlife. 

What does it mean to be somebody outside as a woman? That’s midlife. I immediately I go to like, how does she act? What does she do? How does she dress? Right? What how much joy Are you allowed to show Are you only allowed to show joy that society Except right, who is the woman who dances when she walks? 

She’s the kind of woman that gets made into a meme. Right? So I don’t want to do that because I don’t want to be a meme. I don’t want people looking at me. Why don’t I want people looking? Do you see how there are so many beliefs in this?

 I use that example because it is the thing that would bring me joy. As silly as that sounds like and I in even as I’m saying it, I’m like, I do not want to be the woman that’s like, walk dancing, but why not? Like why not?

 When we really look at those people in those videos, we go, they’re really happy, maybe a little weird. But like, I think if I lived in Key West, I would be that happy. And so when I felt that today, I was like, whoa, I’m bringing that reality into me because I’m feeling that happy. 

So I want you to notice that use your environment to give you clues around what it is that you need. You know, this past week, I had a really interesting experience that I’ve never experienced before. But I had someone that reached out to me to coach with me. And then I got kind of ghosted.

 It was really interesting. But what I did was I said, What? Where am I ghosting myself? Where am I giving a commitment to myself and not following through? Where am I just not acknowledging something that I thought or that I needed or that I asked for. 

And then I’m not giving it to myself, I’m disregarding that internal request. So use your out your outer experiences as a mirror, right to reflect what it is that’s going on and what you really need to look at.

Because I believe that that experience was all about what I’m what I’m putting out there, right. It’s a mirror. There’s something in there that I’m putting out that I need to self reflect on, and make changes and really show up for myself. 

And I realized that there was a variety of things that I said I wanted, but probably weren’t really Very high on the value list because I wasn’t following through. And if that’s what I’m doing, if that’s not as high on the value list, as I tell myself It is my actions are going to be different. 

So where do I need to look at my actions? And then maybe I need to reevaluate, reevaluate my values. Now there’s a way I can do that in my subconscious. And so I can actually do that work and go through that process. So that I can start to show up for myself in a different way. That’s easy and effortless. 

The next thing is make space to allow this new version of you to come in, right, so I blocked off my calendar. I blocked off the next couple of weeks of doing the podcast and I’ve got shows for you. But for me, I won’t have to do them because they’re all set up and ready to go. So I created space to allow this new person to come in to fruition, right? 

How will she be I’m not totally sure will she be that different than me? Right now, maybe not. But maybe there will be some specific things that will feel really good because I’ve given it the space to show up, you know, you hear about you like clearing out your office or clearing out your garage or whatever to create space for something new. 

And that’s exactly it. So nature abhors a vacuum is what they say. Every time I think of that, you guys I think of that far side video or far side cartoon. Have you seen it where the woman’s vacuuming you need to google it? So I can use that to my advantage and I can create space so that something new has has space to come in? 

Right? I stopped trying to stop the inspiration. Right? So I when the inspiration would come to me to do something instead of going that feels uncomfortable, because I’ve never done that before.

Now I did stop myself from dancing in the neighborhood. But when I came home, I danced in the kitchen. So So kept trying to have the inspiration and then halted it right? Now I’ve got some growing to do to where I could actually do that in my driveway or in my neighborhood. And maybe I would feel more comfortable doing that someplace like us. 

I don’t know. But it gives me something to look at, right? And I asked myself, what are the things that I’ve believed about me that I believed about everything? And everything about me? 

So, you know, what are the things take a look at what my beliefs really are, you know, I was doing it so much. I was waking up thinking about beliefs and reevaluating things, and I was reevaluating the things before that seemed like reality. 

And I think that’s super important. Because when we start to question what we thought before was our reality, then it gives us an opportunity to really grow into somebody new, right? So, you know, there might be things you know, I’ll give you an example.

 I was on the phone with somebody. This is when I did the up depth. You event live. And we went into these like breakout rooms and there was a woman in there maybe in her 60s. And she said, there was a young woman in the group also, and the young woman said something she wanted to do. 

And the older woman said, It’s way easier to do that when you’re young. Do it while you’re young. And that was she believed that was reality for her. And I remember thinking that’s a really interesting belief. Like, maybe it’s not easier when you’re young. If you’re older, maybe it would serve you to have a belief that it’s easier when you’re older. 

Right? So do your beliefs actually serve you? And even if it feels like reality, if it’s not serving you, there are other ways to look at things. And I started to release the the idea that it was scary to change, right that people have known me in a certain way, and that maybe they will not want to know me in this new way. 

And then I decided so what so what if they do But if they don’t want to be friends with me, then what does that mean? Or if they don’t feel as close to me, or they don’t feel as aligned to me, then they’ll probably be new people that do, and new friendships and maybe it’s exactly what I need. 

And so releasing any of the resistance, and just allowing this new version to come and it is painful, it is hard, and it feels like off and on, you know, sad and scary and confusing. But I do believe that that’s what we’re here for us to grow. 

And I, I believe that so many of us keep ourselves small, keep ourselves in the same space for fear. I talked to a client the other day and she said that she had just listened to the first episode of this podcast and I was like, Whoa, that version of me is so different than this version of And I wonder it’s so different that I wonder if that version of me would be attracted to this version of me and the version of me that’s coming.

 Like I’m not sure. And I also think she was really hungry to, to change and to grow. So perhaps she would have grown faster if she found me. So, you know, look at your look at what’s happening. 

Look at what’s happening in your environment, release the need to control everything, create this space, and allow yourself to uplevel And remember, if this is the work that you want to do, and you want to guide this is the work that I love. 

And so just reach out to me. You can DM me on any social media or just go to my calendar and find a spot Betsy Pake comm backslash, let’s talk and we can just talk about it and see. So when you do that, that’s how I think you live a big life. 

So don’t forget to get in the Facebook group. You guys I’m going to be doing that live show. I think it’s going to be really fun and it’ll be more fun. If I have friends in there. So join me in there and I will see you next week for an incredible interview. I’ll talk to you soon. 

Thanks so much for listening today. If you want to take a moment to leave us a review on iTunes, take a quick screenshot before you hit submit and email it over to us at support at Betsy Pake calm, and we will send you a special audio hypnosis to help you overcome a limiting belief. Thanks so much and I’ll see you next week.


Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs


*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.