246: Being congruent for more confidence - Betsy Pake

246: Being congruent for more confidence


Today Betsy talks about how to have your values and beliefs aligned with your mission so you can live a life of more confidence, happiness, and energy!


Welcome to The Art of Living big. I’m your host, Betsy Pake. I’m an author, speaker, a master hypnotherapist and NLP coach, and I help high achievers rewire for success. If you’re ready for the next level, you’re in the right place. Over the next 30 minutes, I hope to help you redefine what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Hello, welcome fellow adventurers. Hey, everybody, I’m excited to be here with you today, you know, I have been gone for the past few days. First of all, if you’re new here, thank you for being here. Welcome. This is sort of, if you’re new here, this is sort of like a community effort. I feel like I get feedback from you guys either on social media or through my email, and then I create the episodes that you want to hear. So today, I’m going to talk about something specific that I have been hearing a lot about. But also I want to just give you a quick update. Because I had a lot of thoughts over the last few days, we headed out on Monday morning to North Carolina, I live in Atlanta. And we headed out to North Carolina to go to my husband’s cousin’s funeral. He was pretty young. I originally I thought he was 59. He was 61. And he had colon cancer and fought a really long battle. And you know, those things, especially when it’s someone that is so young, I know, you might, if you’re in your like, your 20s, you might not that young, but it’s not that much older than me, right? I’m about to turn 50. So I’ve, it feels like, Oh my gosh, there’s still so much life ahead, right? It feels cut short to me. And so in that, you know, we had a lot of discussions and a lot of talks about life and things we want to do. And I think anytime I go to a funeral, and you know, I get inspired by other people’s lives and how they lived, and you know, how many friends they had, and the people that show up in the things that they say about them, it always makes me think like, Where could I be doing? I want to say more? Where can I be? We’re gonna work? Where could my life be even more robust? Right? Like, could I be taking way better care of my health? Are there things I need to do there? Are there? Are there more adventures that I could have? Are there deeper friendships that I need to work on? That makes you kind of evaluate things? You know, a few weeks ago, I did an episode on a self audit. And you know, that I kind of set up a self audit in terms of like my schedule in my day, but I think you can, I know, you can self audit, for lots of different areas. And in this experience of, of going there and, and, and being at the funeral and being inspired. It made me think about doing a self audit in different areas, too. So I share that with you in case that’s where you are where you’re like, you know, there’s more I know, I can expand into more. And I just need like a little guidance that the second thing that I will say is if that’s you, if you’ve had that thought, and when I said that you felt something, we really, really need to get on the mailing list on my mailing list. For the alchemy collective, we’re going to be opening it up again next month. And the alchemy collective, you know, the more that I get feedback from people, the more that I’m in groups, the more I’m learning about things, the more I believe that the alchemy collective is the best place to be if you want regular, regular self growth, if you want to expand and get new ideas, and be around a community that’s helping you rise to a greater level. You know, at the beginning of the year, I was thinking about the alchemy collective, which it’s my membership, so it’s a monthly membership. And in there, I was like I want the people in my membership to be like to be magical. Like, I want the people in my group to have the most magical experiences. I want them to be thinking totally outside the box. And so I really I revamped things. I was like, how can we do that? And so inside there, there’s lots of like little goodies that you get, you know, there’s a guidebook at the beginning of the month, and there are, you know, playlists and wallpaper for your phone and like those kinds of fun goodies. But there’s also a Connection Kit, which is typically like hypnosis or subliminal audio. We do happy hours in there. There is a monthly workshop where I teach you something right so you’ve got to be able to expand. So you’ve got to be learning some new things. And you’ve got to have a place to ask questions. So there’s a q&a time. We also have a monthly coaching session. You know, last month we did it. And it was the first time we did it, right, because I have revamped some stuff for 2021. I mean, I think the class, the coaching session was like maybe two and a half hours to 20. It was so fun, everybody got a chance to shift and we made huge shifts in there. And then you know, of course, then there’s the community. So I think there’s three things that you need to have, you’ve got to have expansion and learning, you’ve got to have a place to ask questions and shift. And you’ve got to have a place to practice, right a community where you can be the new way you want to be. Anyway, which brings me into the whole idea of, of this week’s show and what I want to share, I want to talk today about being congruent about living a life that’s congruent. And this was something that was coming up for me as we were on our trip this week, was how to live so that you are totally congruent in all areas. Now, let me tell you why this is even important. So when you can be congruent in your life, you have way more confidence. You you have like peace inside you, and you have a lot more energy. So you’re not being drained all the time of your energy. Decisions are way easier. And it feels like things just fall into place. So you know how I was saying, I wanted everyone in the alchemy collective to have a magical life. That’s like everything falling into place. And how do you do that? You do that by living a life that’s really congruent. And so let’s dive into like what is congruency? And how can you get there. So congruent to me is when you are thinking things, and doing things that are the same that are propelling you forward and moving you forward. So I’m in congruent if I am selling a car that I think is a piece of crap. And I’m trying to sell somebody a car, and I feel really out of alignment with it, right? I’m not congruent. Why? Why can one person sell a car that’s a piece of crap and not be congruent? But somebody else can sell a car? That’s a piece of crap and be totally congruent. Right? What is that? The difference is how your values are lining up. So the person that’s selling the crappy car and is totally fine with it is somebody that has a value that says that that’s okay. Right? That there’s some part of that that’s okay, that maybe it’s that all cars have a component of crappiness to them. And everyone has to get things fixed. And so there’s nothing wrong with selling a car that needs to be fixed, or that’s crappy, right? That’s just a generalization. But do you see the difference? So the difference doesn’t come down to what you’re thinking and doing as much as what you’re valuing and doing, because what you’re valuing is actually impacting your thinking on a subconscious level. So let’s dive into that just a little bit. And what I mean by that. So when I am going about my life, there is only at most 5%, you know, I feel like that’s being pretty generous. I think that’s if you have like a high level of awareness 5% of what you’re doing, as you’re walking around is conscious. The rest of everything is unconscious. So what does that mean? That means that I’m just running on habits, basically, right? I’m just running automated programs, my brain is like a computer, I’m running an automated program that is running with the components, and it is configured with my values, and my beliefs. So my values, and my beliefs may be totally unconscious to me. So I am out living my life. Right, I’m living my life. And my subconscious programs running in the background. It’s running based on my values and beliefs, which aren’t conscious to me, I’m not aware of what they are. And so as I try and do things, the things I want to do consciously don’t work out. There’s always something going wrong, you know, and I can’t figure out why or what it is, and it is this incongruency it is this part that my values and my beliefs are not lining up with what it is that I want. This leads us to feel so drained, and then we can’t quite figure out like why we’re so drained. Now, to go back to the example about the car salesperson, if you’re in congruent doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong or illegal or anything like that. It’s just means that that’s just an example of how somebody that can feel totally fine selling you a crappy cars because it is within their value system, they see things a little differently, right their lens in which they see the world is just a little bit different than the person that wouldn’t be able to sell you the crappy car. Now, you could argue philosophically over what’s right or wrong, right? Because there’s components and sides to that even further. But when we’re looking at your life, we’re looking at the things you want to be doing. And we’re looking at the experiences you want to have. And then you look, why do I keep getting sucked back in? Or why is it the things that I want to do aren’t really happening for me, or I can’t find the opportunities or I don’t see the things. It’s because we’re not in congruency from a values and beliefs level. Now, this morning, I was actually writing in my journal, and I think I’ve talked about this before I use a journal called day one, I have used it for years and years. And so it’s on my computer, it’s on my Mac. And I can see when I go to today, I can see previous years of what I wrote. Now, I don’t make it a habit so much anymore of going back and looking. Because when I go back and look, I’m like, Oh my god, what was I thinking? Because here’s what I’m thinking most of the time, I’m very much, you know, six, seven years ago, very much cheerleading myself into, I know, I can do it, I know it’s gonna happen. I know, I just have to believe it, like very much that my thoughts, which is great, there’s nothing wrong with that. But my values and my beliefs about what I was doing, were not in alignment. So it was like sludge. I mean, it was like moving through sludge, like why can I make this happen? Like, when’s it gonna happen? Something has to happen in order for it to happen, right, somebody is gonna see my stuff and share my stuff. And then somebody will famous will see it and go, Oh, my god, she’s, like, so stupid. But what was really happening was that my values and my beliefs weren’t really aligned with what I was doing. Now, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t aligned with a message, it means that there was something within me that didn’t, wasn’t congruent with me getting to where I wanted to go. So let’s talk about that, again, in a different way. So, and I’m going to use myself as an example, just because I think y’all can relate to it. And I’m, you know, an oversharer. But, you know, I had these big dreams, like, I want to be speaker, I want to do a TED talk. But I was not doing the things in order to be able to do that. Why? Because my values and my beliefs were structured in such a way that, you know, maybe there was an unworthiness component, maybe there was a part of me that didn’t want to be seen. So even though consciously I had these big dreams and goals, I wasn’t really taking the appropriate actions. I wasn’t really stepping in, I wasn’t being who I needed to be in order to do those things. Now, I had somebody say to me recently, that they listened to some of my old podcast episodes, and how different I sound it and in fact, I think they said my voice even sounded different. Now. I’m gonna guess it’s like my inflection, the way I’m talking, right? The certainty in my voice. Now, that is all unconscious stuff. That’s because I’ve been doing so much work, that it’s showing up in who I am being. So if you’re feeling stuck, or you’re struggling, or you’re like, I don’t have any confidence, I feel completely drained. I don’t know what I’m doing. I believe that there is an in congruence in there, and you’ve got to heal that in order to be able to move forward, right? One of the things a lesson and one of the workshops that we did inside the alchemy collective, so if you’re in there, and you haven’t done this yet, is to actually elicit your values to go in and actually find out what are your values, those are so unconscious to us. And it’s really hard to make shifts and changes if you don’t know what they are. So, elicit your values, find out what they really are. From there, you can start to shift them and change them. You know, one of the programs that I have on my website is is something called up leveled. It’s where I work with people. It’s very intense. It is for people that want to shift like immediately and they want like a severe shift, right? They want like a remarkable shift. And it’s about an eight hour session, a seven to eight hour session and there’s like a bunch of things. Follow up to it so that we can fine tune. But what we do in that the very first thing I do is I get your values, I elicit those values, then we do all of this work. And then I elicit your values. And it is astounding how different they are at the end of the session. Now, why would that be is because we are shifting, we’re making changes, we’re moving you so that you’re moving towards the things that you want, instead of running away from the things you don’t want. So this is really important when we’re trying to be congruent. Let’s use that same old example of the TED Talk, which if you follow me on Instagram, you know, I that I applied to Ted last week, I probably won’t get chosen this time. I’m okay with that. Because I tried, I’m going to try and fail lots of things. Here’s the difference between me and five years ago, five years ago, I didn’t try because I was like, I don’t know, I’m not really ready, I don’t have the fit, right, I’m totally freaking ready. And I have a kick ass idea. And so it’s so different. Now, what makes the difference is that I have aligned my values and beliefs so that I’m moving towards the things that I want, instead of moving away from here’s why that’s important. When I’m moving away from things, I go up and down in my focus up and down in my focus. So we’ll use weight loss as an example. I want to lose weight because my jeans are too tight, what happens, I lose five pounds, and what happens to my jeans, they’re not as tight. So my motivation, I’m using air quotes, my motivation seems to dip down. But it’s, it’s that what I was running away from has gone away, so I have less to run away from. So then what happens is I get comfortable, I never really reach the goal of what I had. And I kind of get where I’m like, okay, it’s fine. And then I start doing my old patterns, I gain the weight back because the old patterns still exist. And then what happens is I gain it back. And then I start over again and say I got to fit into my jeans, right? So if you could imagine like, up and down up and down like a wave, right? So I’m running away from and then I it’s fine to run away from and then it’s fine. Well what happens when I can align my values and my beliefs so that I am moving towards something? Okay. So now imagine that I’m moving towards a greater vision of health that I’m moving towards feeling really great in my body, right? There’s no doubt because I’m only getting more towards that the fitter I get, the more I work out, the more I eat healthy, the better I feel. I’m only moving towards so now it’s like a trajectory up. Right? What’s the difference is that it’s congruent. my beliefs in my values are congruent with how I’m acting. One of the things that I have been working on over the past seven weeks is actually some hypnosis for myself with getting that congruency. And I’ll be sharing those with you guys. But getting that congruent congruency inside deep inside my subconscious mind, for health, for exercise, for eating really healthy for drinking a lot of water, for changing the reward, and how I experience reward all of those things. So I have been testing it myself, I have someone else that’s going to start testing. And once we get some really good numbers and we have refined it, I’ll share those audios with you guys. But you know, I the point, the thing to remember is that you’ve got to be congruent. And how can you test what’s congruent? Are you are you? Are you in this like Limbo where you’re not able to figure it out? Or are you feel like you’re moving on a trajectory towards where you want and I’ll tell you when you’re moving in a trajectory towards where you want, it feels so much better. You know, I’ll share this from my own point of view. And you guys if you’re new here, you haven’t heard this story. But if you have if you’re if you’re old here, then Forgive me because you’ve probably heard this story a million times. But I used to own a CrossFit gym. I used to compete. I I’ve won a bronze medal in the Pan American Games, doing Olympic style weightlifting, the snatch and the clean and jerk. I competed in a sport where you had to be weighed in so I had to weigh a certain amount I would compete anywhere from if you’re looking at it was 53 kilos to 58 kilos, so from 118 pounds to 128 pounds depending on where I was. So So that was something that was super important to me. It was who I was then my daughter got sick, my focus went other places as it needed to. And then I stopped those patterns. I created different things. patterns, I became very incongruent. And over the past few years I’ve talked about, I gotta do this, I gotta get back into it. I’m trying, I’m doing different things. And I kept saying to my husband, I got, I’ve got to just release the environment and bullet and my environment and behavior. Because I know that’s not where changed. That’s how come I keep going up and down, like running away from I knew it was happening. I just wasn’t mentally ready. Right, you know, you’ve got to be ready to forge for change. And so last December, when I put together those audios and started working on that, to just I was not going to do any. I was going to do zero planning, zero thinking zero worrying. I was not going to think about my weight. I wasn’t going to weigh myself. I wasn’t going to do any of those things. I was just going to focus on my unconscious mind in every day, sometimes twice a day without fail. I have listened to the hypnosis audios and I have started to make shifts. Now. The interesting thing is I run every day now. It’s not an issue. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve lost 10 pounds. I don’t know because I’m not getting on a scale. I eat so much healthier. I’m so dry. I have not had any. I mean, I drink so much water. So many changes. Now. How did that happen? It was because I got my values and my beliefs, my beliefs, specifically with a hypnosis so that I was moving towards what I wanted. Then it became effortless. I became congruent. Now it feels really fun. You know, I got up today I couldn’t wait to go run. I went to this trip to North Carolina. I brought my sneakers and stuff to get outside. And I walk ran I joked with the alchemy group because I went live inside the group while I was on a walk. But I was like I only know how to run on a treadmill. I’m afraid to run on the street, which is kind of funny. But I it The point is it. That’s who I am again. Now, when we can become congruent, our confidence gets bigger, we become more energized. We find this inner peace. We know who we are. Decisions get way easier. I do things naturally, I don’t have to think about it. I wasn’t sitting there going, should I bring workout stuff or not? Like I’m not sure? Oh, well I just bring it in that use it. No, I was like I want to get out and get a walk in at least. Like that’s who I am. That has shifted. So if you want to really understand yourself, the one biggest thing that I can say is to not wait for a crisis. Don’t wait for something really big to happen for you to go oh my god, I got to work on myself. You know, don’t wait for like my relationship is falling apart or, like, I hate my job. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Like, it’s great to get help when those things happen. Absolutely. But if you’re not in that place, don’t wait. Start working on yourself. Start making those values and beliefs conscious so that you can actually design your life. Be sure you get inside the alchemy collective, when it opens, it’s so powerful, and you don’t want to miss it for the price. It’s insane. It’s insane value and if you are going to move forward and you’re going to shift and create a life that you really want. So that someday when you get to the point where it’s the end of your life and people are talking about you and celebrating you, they can be saying exactly what you want them to be saying. I think that is how you know you’ve lived a really big life. Thank you so much for being here with me today. I love you all so much and I will see you next week. Thank you so much for being here and for listening to today’s episode. If you liked it and got something out of it please be sure to share with me by leaving a review over on iTunes. And if you’re not following us on social media, I am everywhere at Betsy Pake but most of the time over on Instagram, so follow and comment on my latest post so that we can connect there. I will see you next week. And until then, keep living big


Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs


*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.