249: Eliminating resistance, creating space to choose - Coffee talk - Betsy Pake

249: Eliminating resistance, creating space to choose – Coffee talk


Todays episode is a coffee talk episode with some thoughts on resistance, and living for yourself.

Here are the links to the events Betsy talks about:




Welcome to The Art of Living big. I’m your host, Betsy Pake. I’m an author, speaker, a master hypnotherapist and NLP coach, and I help high achievers rewire for success. If you’re ready for the next level, you’re in the right place. Over the next 30 minutes, I hope to help you redefine what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Hello fellow adventurers. Welcome. Welcome to today’s show. We’re on episode 249 blows my mind, I feel like we just started this little journey together. But that’s a lot of hours with y’all. Thanks for having me in your ear. I appreciate it. I like being here. So I wanted to today we’re gonna do like a little coffee talk. So I have multiple things Number A couple weeks ago, in the episode where I told you the unfortunate story about my starter marriage, I said I have all these thoughts. And so I thought today, we’ll just do an episode where I just talk about a few of the thoughts because there might just be something in there that speaks to you, or helps you on your journey. You know, I always say this, but I’m gonna say it again, because we are all so connected. You know, if I’m going through something, some of you out there are going through it. And I think that’s how we help each other along on our journey. And I think that’s why we’re here right to kind of walk each other home. So anyway, onward with coffee talk, which I’m not going to have coffee, I’m going to have water, it’s like water talk because this morning, I had a Red Bull, a sugar free Red Bull. If you’ve never had one, or you haven’t had one in a long time, it’s just like sipping off the top of an alkaline battery. But it I really liked it. And then I went and met my daughter for coffee. Now you may if you’ve been here a long time, you might be like I thought you gave up caffeine. And I did. And I need to do it again. When I went. When I went to Philadelphia, when I went to my training in Philadelphia, which was like October, I started drinking coffee. Because the training was so long, and it was really helping me and because I hadn’t had coffee in almost a year, it really was amazing. It still is amazing. I haven’t like gotten used to it. So it still is amazing. But I know the tipping point is coming where it will no longer be amazing. It will become like a need something that I have to have. And then it’ll start making me really tired because I noticed that I don’t sleep as sound I thought I did. And even now as I say that to you. I’m like, No, I’m sleeping fine. But I’m not because I know when I was off caffeine, I slept way deeper. And I was surprised. I also was surprised when I woke up, I felt really steady. I did not feel like anxious or like trepidatious about my day. So I share all that just to say, if you’re wondering, sometimes I’ll get messages, you know, because because I’m human. And so I’ll I’ll do things and say I’m doing things and then I changed my mind. You may have heard me say that I’m a non drinker. I woke up. Like, I will actually I think it was January 1, I woke up and I was like, I don’t know why. But I’m a non drinker. I don’t drink. And I haven’t been a big huge drinker my whole life anyway, but I just woke up and knew I was a non drinker. And then last weekend, I went out with my husband on a date and I had a drink when we went on a date. And I had it and then I was like I don’t even I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t like it. I’m a non drinker. So anyway, I did drink. So anyway, I share all that just because we’re allowed to change your mind and to try again and to learn and go back. That’s what I’m doing. Alright, so I had some stories, I wanted to tell you one of them I actually told inside my facebook group today, but I’m going to tell it on the show, because a lot of you are not in the Facebook group, if you’d like to be, you can just go to the art of living big.com and it will forward you right to the Facebook group. I am going to try one of my goals is to be way more consistent in there. I go in so often into the alchemy collective group, but I’m going to be coming in there too. So make sure you jump in there. So this is my story. And it’s about resistance. And I want to dive into resistance just a little bit. And someone commented on the video today about the art of allowing and I think like two sides to every coin right? there is resistance and on the other side there is allowing and so I want to talk about that. And I have other things that I want to talk about too. But let me tell you this story. So I have been I’ve been really in the flow like this whole year on like getting up and and and working out and like feeling really like on track with the things I wanted to do. And I don’t know what happened a couple weeks ago, I just started getting off track. I got preoccupied with some other things and One of my thresholds is work. So I will put myself first Intel, I’ve got work to do. And it’s just, it’s how my values are lined up. So the moment that things get really busy at work, I jump up, and I have to get going, right? So I want to get showered and get going and get ready and check my emails and get started. And next week, I am running something called alchemy leak. So I have been really busy, like, getting that ready and prepping it and, and promoting it, right getting people in there. I’ll tell you about that in a minute. So I like and I want it to be like this amazing week. Like, I want people to be like, Oh my God, this was so cool. everyday. There’s like events, and I’ve got giveaways and just really cool stuff. And it’s this whole cool free week. So I have been really focused. So when I wake up, it’s like the first thing that starts happening is like, the lists of things I get to do. But working out isn’t one of them. It’s like I’m geared towards this work stuff. So I noticed that the last couple days, I have been doing other things instead of because because I go I should work out right? Do you ever do this? So these are the words like I should I have to I could I probably need to those kind of words. Whenever I find myself saying those. I’m like, Oh my god, I got to look at this. So I was doing like I should work out I got to work out I need to do it now before things get busy. And so instead of saying no, I’m not going to work out because that didn’t feel good, right? Instead, I just started doing other things. Like I would be like, Alright, well, I haven’t showered. So it could still work out. I’m just cleaning up the kitchen, I’m running laundry, I’m doing whatever it is like to avoid working out but also avoid saying no. Okay, so what I do is I get up, and I get in like my workout clothes, and then I do everything else. And then it gets to be like 930 and I’m like, I gotta jump in the shower. I gotta go, right? And then I’m like, Oh my god, I didn’t get anything done this morning. I just did a bunch of other avoidance crap. So yesterday, I was like, Oh my gosh, I had not even occurred to me how much resistance I had. I don’t know why y’all things ebb and flow. And I’m a big lover and a flower. And so I was like, today, I’m not resisting anything. I’m going to just tune in, and really listen to my intuition to what I want to do to what my body feels like doing. And so I I brought my dogs out, I came home, I’m like, not resisting. I put my workout clothes because that felt fine yoga pants, you know, it is the costume of the pandemic. So put that on. And I was like, What I really want to do is i’m not gonna work out. So I allowed myself to say, No, I didn’t resist it. I felt a twinge. But I was like, No, it’s okay. I’m not working out. I don’t want to. I want to go downstairs and get my coffee. And then I want to just read, I want to sit in bed and read. And so that’s what I did. I read for like an hour. I mean, it was amazing. It It felt so good. It was so relaxing. I was super into it. You know, sometimes you go to read but then you’re like, checking your phone to just me. I do I am I the only one that does that. Or like I can’t stay focused or I fell asleep. It wasn’t that I was like really in it felt so good. So then I was done. And I was like, Oh, I’m noticing I’m getting fidgety. I don’t want to read anymore. It had been like, you know, 45 minutes to an hour. And so I got up and I went and got some water. And then I was like, I feel like moving. I feel like so I was like I’m going to work out. So I had been resisting, saying no to working out for two weeks. And when I just released the resistance and said I’m not gonna do it. Then all of a sudden working out was like, Well, hey, hey there, hey, you want to do it? Right. So opening the door stopping the resistance. Now, I want to say something about there are things we have to do. I realize that I am very fortunate in that I have created morning that I can take my time. I don’t take any appointments before 1030 typically, and I save all of that time for morning I get up at like 630 and I save everything for for me. Now. My life wasn’t always like that. I’m really, really fortunate and I created that. So there are things though that I have to do that I don’t really feel like doing Right. So we all have things like that. So I want you to take a look at what you feel like you’re saying I should I could I have to. And even if you have to do the thing, maybe there is another time that you could do it, maybe there is some flexibility in terms of the structure of when you do it. And you could release the resistance around it, you know, I have to file my taxes, right? I have them printed out, I need to sign them and file them. It’s got to be done. We don’t have a choice, right? Like, these are one of the things that has to be done. Right, I gotta pay my, my mortgage or my rent, right? I got to pay bills, I got to, I have to pay my cell phone bill, like I need to do those things. on time, I can’t just say, Well, I don’t feel like it’ll do it tomorrow, without consequences. So really, everything is a choice. And I just want you to open up to that thought everything is a choice. Now you might be thinking I have to get these things done for my boss, or I’ll get fired? Well, it’s still a choice. Like even breathing is a choice. And when we can start to shift and look at it like that, then we go, you know what I’m gonna take the time it feels aligned to pay my car payment, because I want to keep my car, right? Or I want to keep my phone line open. Right? So when we start to look at the shoulds, could I have to notice? Is there a place where I can shuffle this and do it at a time that feels more aligned? One, two, do I even really have to do this? Or can I just release it? Right? Like with the working out? Can I just release it? Now I know, working out is one of my values. I know it’s in my value system. And so I want to just allow that to come up when it’s ready to come up. Just see what happens. Just test things. Right? And, and maybe it’s that you realize, I don’t want to do this. I don’t ever want to do this. Like I’m not doing this anymore. And I have been resisting. But if I release the resistance, maybe I realize it just needs to go away. So you know, every time we have a challenge in our lives, we have a couple different options, right? We can change it, we can learn to accept it. Or we can just get rid of it. So think about the things that you’re resisting and what bucket they fall in. What do you need to do? And maybe, you know, I decided to just get rid of it to say no to working out. And then it came back. Because it was waiting. Right? It was pushing up against my resistance. And when I just released the resistance, it was like okay, well, let’s do it. So, I offer you that story, just in case that might help you know, if you want to jump in to alchemy week, what I was talking about what I was so excited about that I didn’t want to work out, I am running this free alchemy week. Now, you may have lots of things happening next week, it is next week, March 8, through the 12th. I will have live events but their Facebook Lives. So there’ll be recorded, they’ll be in the group. Now if you’re in the art of living big group, it’s not going to be in that group. It’s in a separate book a second look, it is in a separate group. And the reason for that is because I didn’t want to inundate that group if those people weren’t interested in it. And I want to be able to really form a deeper connection with you guys in that group. And I want you guys to be able to find each other, you know, I want you guys to be able to connect and and make some of those friendships and connections inside that group. So you can get there, you can go to my website, you can just go to Betsy pake.com. And if you scroll down just a little bit, there’ll be a big blue box that says join us with alchemy week. Or you can go to Betsy pake.com slash alchemy leak, and you’ll just just fill it out. And then you’ll fill in your email address and it will forward you to the Facebook group and then we’ll add everybody into the group on Sunday evening, we’ll do a little kickoff and then we’ll get started next week. So I’m excited for it. I really want you guys to be in there with me, especially if you listen to the show. I just think it’s going to totally be your jam. Alright, so here’s the other thing that I’ve been doing that I’ve been really loving. And so if you guys are on clubhouse, have you heard of clubhouse? So clubhouse is an app that’s just on iPhone right now. But it is an audio only app. And so you can go into rooms. And there are people running the rooms, moderating the rooms, maybe answering questions are offering new ideas. And you can ask to speak and you can be moved up to where the speaking people are on the app. And you can ask questions, you can get feedback, you can interact with the speakers, and there have been some really amazing speakers. I’ve listened to some really awesome stuff on entrepreneurship, some really awesome stuff just on spirit and science. I’ve been in some neural plasticity rooms really, really fun. So I am running two rooms. If you’re on there, find me. I’m Betsy Pake on there. But I am running two rooms, one on Wednesday, I am running at 130 Eastern time. And it is love bombs. It’s Hump Day with love bombs. It’s been really fun. I’m doing it with my friend Gina. Self sound bath haven on Instagram. I’m doing it with Gina. And we’re just connecting with people seeing where you are midweek and just giving you some love and encouragement for the week ahead. So that has just been a really like fun feel good room. And then on Fridays at noon, Eastern. I am doing a room on the subconscious mind. So asking questions, getting some coaching. Really, really fun. So anyway, you can look for me. And if you follow me, you’ll see both those rooms pop up. So if you are on clubhouse, find me and connect, and then message me on Instagram. So I know that you’re following, and we can connect further so I can see what you’re up to. Alright, and then my last little story. So I had an awareness this week. And this is why I think looking at our own stuff, and having awareness is so important. So I had an awareness that I was really seeking the approval of someone close to me someone in my family. And if I wasn’t getting it in the way that I thought I should be getting it, I felt badly. And I was realizing that I was trying to figure out how to shift my behavior in order to get that approval. Now, I will say that this other person has no idea any of that was going on in my head. Like, I think that’s probably been going on like unconsciously for a long time. It just became conscious to me. And I was like, wow, I’m doing that. I’m trying to change what I think I should do to what I think they think I should do, which who knows if it’s even what they thought I should do is just what I thought they thought I should do. And I realized, that’s not a behavior that I want. A couple days later, I went to lunch with my daughter, I picked her up. She lives like 10 minutes up the road from me, she has her own apartment, you know, she’s a young adult, and I picked her up and we went shopping. And then we went to true food kitchen, which is like one of my favorite places in Atlanta. It’s all like vegan healthy food. And so we ordered our food, and she is in college right now what she really wants to be a tattoo artist. She’s really, really a good artist and has like a kind of a funky style. I think she’d be really good at it. And it’s something that she’s talked about for years and years. And she’s going to college, and kind of you know, figuring out her path. Now, one of the prerequisites of her college being paid for by her grandfather was that she waits to get piercings or tattoos other than our ears pierced, but that she waits until after college. Now there I could go back and forth on if I think this is right, or okay or any of that. But none of that matters. Because she has a choice. She can choose not to take his money, right? Or she can choose to, like be able to tough this out for a couple years and then not have any debt when she graduates. Like what a beautiful thing. And so she’s made that decision, but she struggles with that. Because it’s something that she really wants and I feel for I get it. So my thing is, and again, this is just my personal thing. It does not mean I’m right. It’s just my beliefs and my beliefs unless I consciously chose them, or not even something that are probably mine. It was probably something that was given to me, right. my beliefs are what creates my reality. It’s what I think is right or wrong, my beliefs and my values. And so my thing has always been like I I’m fine with tattoos. They’re not for me. But I don’t, it doesn’t like, bother me to see them on somebody like I don’t. If my daughter was covered in tattoos that would really wouldn’t bother me. I’m sure she would get cool ones and it would look cool. But the one thing I really don’t like, are those gauges in your ears. You know what I’m talking about? Like they make your ear lobes the whole bigger. I, I it’s not wrong. If somebody wants to do it, it’s fine. It’s just not for me and I, I don’t like those. Like, I look at that. And it makes me like, I have a hard time looking at something about it. Now, I get Botox, that’s a body modification. Like I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m just saying for me. It’s not It makes me uncomfortable. There are certain modifications that made me uncomfortable. And for whatever reason, I don’t know where I picked that up. I’m sure it’s something I could shift if I wanted to, but I don’t like it. So my daughter’s whole life. I told her like, I don’t care. Just don’t get those gauges in your ears. So there we are at lunch at true food kitchen, I look over. And I was like, what’s in your ear. And I could see that it was this gauge, like a very small one. But I can see that it was like an expander in her face went totally white. And then it went totally red. And then her bottom lip started to quiver. And I think that if I hadn’t had the awareness in my own life, just recently, I would have reacted differently. I don’t know that I would have reacted any worse. But I would have reacted different. I don’t know how that would have turned out. But here’s what happened is, she saw me ask she knew I knew. And it wasn’t against the rules. That’s why she wanted to do it because it was like the only thing she could do, because she can’t get tattoos or get pierced. But she could do that. And it was kind of in the conspicuous because they’re just little. But she knew I didn’t like it. She knew like on a deep level for years, I’ve said I just don’t like those. I just don’t like gauges, I used to say when she was younger, the bigger the gauge, the lower your wage, which is so not even true. It’s just my truth at the time. And so I saw her looking at me and I saw all of the all of the yearning to be accepted. wanting me to love her and accept her, I saw it all go across her face. And I just paused. And I said, all of your job isn’t to make me happy. Your job is to make you happy. And I can dislike it. And it doesn’t matter because it’s your life. It’s your body, it’s your ears. And what I would really love for her as a mom, is for her to be able to say you know what i’m doing something that my mother doesn’t like. But I know my mother still loves me. And it’s my choice. And so I’m going to do it because I want to you know, I think sometimes our kids try so hard to please us or I know from my own self, I try to please right? I don’t tell my dad the dumb stuff i do i only tell them the good stuff I do. Right? We we want to be accepted and to please, most of us. And I don’t want to have her have that. Now, here’s why this is important and why I share this story. Because if I hadn’t been doing my own work, if I hadn’t had my own awareness, I would have been like, take that thing out of your ear. Oh my god, that’s so gross. Right? Don’t do it. But because I had the awareness that I don’t want to live my life trying to please somebody else. I knew I didn’t want that for her either. And because I had that awareness, I could create space between what happened the trigger, right her telling me me noticing and my reaction. I could create space. And in that space, I could decide how I wanted to react, I could make a decision instead of just having a reaction. Because I’m doing the work on myself every day. I’m able to see where things are coming from and how I’m responding based on what I’m able to understand based on what which is so important because most of the time we do things without knowing the reasoning. You know what happen. What’s that stemming from? Is that even true? Do we even question our reality? We just go this is reality. That’s yucky. I don’t like it. But I created the space where I could then question, is it that awful? When does it turn off? or How big does it have to be to be awful? Is it awful? If my own kid does it? Can I change the way I’m thinking? What’s the I could get? I could ask questions about what do you like? What do you like about it? What is it that calls you to it? What makes it interesting to you, and then I could start to see another way. Now, if I hadn’t been doing the work, honestly, like 10 years ago. I mean, if she had been 1910 years ago, I would have been like, Oh, my God, I can’t even look like I’m not gonna look. And I would have made her feel badly, probably. Right. And I know she is in control of how she feels. But I’m in control of how my communication is received. That’s the premise of communication that it comes from me, I’m in control, or I’m responsible, I should say, for how that is received. If it’s received incorrectly, then I need to alter something because it’s me trying to communicate. So I don’t want her to be 50 years old and go, Oh, my God, I can’t believe I’m still trying to please my mother. I want her to live her life and listen in to the her internal, what’s going on inside, I want her to be able to understand and listen to the part of her that only she can hear. I don’t want her listening to me. So I share that with you. Because it felt good to me to have that space, it felt really good. Like I felt like I’m doing something right. You know, I’m sure you’ve had that before. So all of the tools that I talked about all of these things I teach inside my program, it’s called the rise, and I’m going to be opening that back up again, I have not opened it up in many months. It is it will change the way you see things that will create that space. And most importantly, it will give you the tools to be able to see your situation differently. So if you feel stuck, or you’re struggling, or you’re overwhelmed with something, or you’re just like I’m not living like this anymore, then it it gives you that space. And it shows you what to do next. Lots of times I think people want to change or want to shift or want to have the awareness, but they don’t know what to do with it once they get it. And so we teach all of that. It’s a very, very strategy based, and it’s very much connection with you and what you want to do moving forward. So powerful, and it’s so much fun. So if you are interested in that, if you go to my website, if you just go to Betsy pake.com, you’ll see it’ll say book a call for the rise, or you can watch my free training and that’ll kind of give you an idea of kind of what we do. And we can just chat see if you’re a good fit, no pressure. Man, I can give you a little bit more information. So if you want to book the call, if you’re serious and you want to be able to be part of that. Just go to my website or just shoot me an email or dm and I’ll be happy to direct you to where you need to go. I’m Betsy Pake everywhere. All right. This was so fun. Thank you for coming and having some water with me today. I appreciate you. And if you found this helpful, please share it with your friends please jump into free alchemy week. It’s going to be really fun. I’m excited to see you all there. See you later. Thank you so much for being here and for listening to today’s episode. If you liked it and got something out of it please be sure to share it with me by leaving a review over on iTunes. And if you’re not following on social media, I am everywhere at Betsy Pake but most of the time over on Instagram, so follow and comment on my latest post so that we can connect there. I’ll see you next week. And until then, keep living big


Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs


*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.