In todays episode Betsy talks about how the trust in yourself may have eroded and the steps to take to begin to hear your inner voice and take action from that space.
Hello fellow adventurers. Welcome to today’s show. So if you’re new here, my name is Betsy pake. I am an author, a speaker and I have a training program called The Alchemy Institute where I train NLP practitioners and Hypnotherapist. So if you’ve ever thought about becoming a coach, join me over there, we’re going to be opening the doors in the next couple of weeks. So really good stuff happening over there. Alright, so let’s dive into today’s show. I’m in the middle today of I’m going to give you a really amazing visual and I just want to apologize in advance. But if you’re listening to this on Thursday, I am getting a colonoscopy probably as we speak.
So today I am in colonoscopy prep, which means I have drank more liquids, I will be on clear liquids all day long. It’s fine. It’s kind of like a good little mental challenge, you know, but I’ve never, I have never been as hungry as I was this morning. Just because I knew I couldn’t eat. You know what I mean? I just was like, oh my god, I’m dying within like 15 minutes of being up and I was like, Ah, I can’t have my Cheerios, I’m gonna die. But I have walked to the grocery store this morning. And I have gotten all different kinds of clear liquids hot, clear liquids called clue I’m gonna make it like, I’m gonna make it fun. So, anyway, if colonoscopy has been on your list, if it’s been on your list, do it make the appointment, we could be on a regular rotation of having colonoscopies around the same time, if you schedule now,
every year, you could be reminded by me. So anyway, get your colonoscopy. And then I wanted to talk to you guys today about something that has been coming up for me quite a bit. And as I’ve spoken with other people over the last week or two, I realized that it’s something that I think is like an undercurrent for a lot of people. And so I was like, you know, I want to talk about that on today’s show.
And what that thing is, is this,
this feeling of, I need to make a decision.
But I’m fearful or I hesitate, or I put it off, or I procrastinate, because I’m not sure. And this might be like big decisions where you’re like, I have to make sure this is the right decision. You know, I talked last week about about raising my standards and about how I noticed I was having these things that were in my life that I was complaining about for years. But in order for those things to change, I had to make a decision. Right, a different decision had to make be made. And I had to raise my standards, but in that required really tough decisions.
And you may have that right now too, right? Where you’ve got things that you know, need to change. Maybe you’re maybe you’re not even aware of what those decisions are like, specifically, you just know, it’s gonna entail a bunch of big decisions. And honestly, like, that just feels overwhelming. You know, maybe it feels like right now, I can’t deal with that, too.
I think that what happens as time goes on, and time goes on. And this was the case for me was that in those specific areas, we start to doubt ourselves, there is a thing where we know what the decision is that needs to be made, we’re not really unsure. We’re just afraid to make it. We’re just afraid to make the decision. Deep down, we know that we know.
But to make that decision means that a lot of things are going to change. It means that we’d have to trust ourselves. And I think that we have a problem in trusting ourselves. And here’s why I say that. I think there’s a bunch of different levels to it. I think that there’s a the patriarchy, I think creates an unsteadiness like you don’t really know. Right? Like, like, Are you sure you don’t really know can you really make the that kind of decision? And this is an undercurrent, right like it happens in marketing. Like our you don’t really know, this way you need this thing to find out, right? I think that we really know but we have lost touch with that inner
And here’s how I think that starts to like fester and get bigger and bigger. There are some areas of my life where I’m like, I know and I will make a choice, like no problem at all. But then there were these other areas of my life that were big. And I was going to have to make a choice, I was gonna have to make a decision. And every time I would go to do it, the fear would set in. But do I really know is that really right? What if I’m wrong? What if I make that decision, and it’s not? Right, and then I’ve made the decision, and then I can’t go back.
I think that we lose sight of the fact that when we make a decision,
based on our inner knower, based on what we know, then when we go forward, it, it won’t be wrong. And even if
even if there are parts of you that go, what I’ve chosen, isn’t right. It doesn’t mean that, that we shouldn’t have made the choice. It just means that from there, we have to make new choices.
So here’s how I think this connection between our inner Nora and us actually, making those making the choices starts to disintegrate. I think that we rehash a lot of old experiences. So you may be thinking a lot about the past, you know, I talk all the time about being in the present. I mean, a lot of
a lot of people talk about it, be present, be mindful. I talk about this all the time. And it’s hard sometimes for me, a lot of the times, it is a practice, it’s like riding a bike, you know, when you ride a bike, you go like side to side to side, right? You’re not like straight on riding your bike, it is a practice of bringing yourself back to center, leaning to the left, bringing yourself back to center, leaning to the right, bringing yourself back. And I think that when we aren’t in the present, then we’re either in the past or in the future. And I think the default is to go to the past. Now why would that be? Why would that be our default? If it’s not really good for us? Well, you’ve heard me talk about this before, but I think that we are listening for the rustle in the grass, right? We are wanting to make sure that we’re not going to get eaten by the lion. And so we we think about all of the things that could go wrong. And an easy way to do that is to think about the things that we perceive as having gone wrong. So we’re rehashing those experience we linger. Have you ever been in the shower? And then you’re like, oh, remember, like five years ago? I should have said that? I mean, I do that sometime. Right? I noticed I did this past week, where I was like, I was 14? Why am I thinking about thing I should have? Like if I should call and be like, do you remember at the school dance, like I wish I had said this instead? I don’t know, I’m not the only one. I’m sure I’m not the only one. But I think that we rehash these old experiences. And when we do that, we start to weaken who we are. Right, we start to weaken the present moment, because we’re out of it all the time. And the only place we can make these hard decisions, and rely on our inner knower as if we are present. So we start to break that ability by rehashing these old experiences.
The second way is that we don’t keep promises to ourselves. We set these promises, we set these goals or these ideas or things that we want. Or we say, I’m going to do that, I’m going to do that for myself, or I’m going to I have this goal, I’m going to do this thing.
And then we don’t we’ll keep promises to other people, like 1000 times more than we would keep them to ourselves, oh, I was gonna do this thing for myself, but so and so needs this or my kid needs this, or my husband needs this thing. So it’s fine. I don’t have to go do this thing for me. I was gonna go and walk around the mall and do some shopping, just to chill out right? Or looking for something I need, or I was gonna get my nails done, or I was gonna meditate. But you need something. So it’s fine. I don’t need to do it. It’s fine. So we’re not keeping these little promises to ourselves, that we said we were going to do something and then we change it. Now.
We can change your mind. I’m not saying that we can’t change our mind. But you know the difference between changing your mind having a different decision and just letting go
Things go because something else becomes more important when I could argue that perhaps it isn’t, perhaps keeping that,
that that promise to yourself is much more important. And, you know, we see this with goals like on New Year’s resolutions, right? I think we see this a lot. And I could do a whole show on why those don’t pan out. But I think that when we think about keeping promises to ourselves, and we, we, we missed the mark on that over and over again, it starts to break down this connection between us trusting the decisions that we’re going to make, and knowing that those are the right decisions. Here’s another way I think that we do that, is
we rely on our conscious mind. You know, we we like noodle through stuff like Yeah, but have you ever made like a pros and cons list? Right? I mean, I have to pros and cons relying on my conscious mind to make a decision that needs to be made with my intuition.
When I do this, we have an inner Knower. Right. There is a part of you that just knows that just knows things. Sometimes people call it a gut feeling. Right? You have this inner knower, you have this gut feeling that you know you can rely on.
And when you say I have this ability, this innate ability, everybody has it. And instead, I’m going to make a pros and cons list.
And rely on that, because that just seems so much more logical, that makes so much more sense. But if I can rely on my gut instinct, what if that is the thing that makes more sense, I think we’ve lost to this connection, where we think that’s not as reliable as our conscious mind. But honestly, our conscious mind. I mean, it is like,
it is dealing with a whole bunch of patterns, right? It’s dealing with tons of filters, it’s dealing with beliefs that probably weren’t even developed by you, but by your parents and people that you admired and loved your value system, it’s dealing with all that put if you could just rely on your inner Knower. So I think we start to break this bond, when we rely on our conscious mind for decisions, big or small, instead of listening to that gut feeling,
instead of just listening to the inner Knower.
And I think the last way, which is, I think one of the most insidious ways that we do this, is when we allow other people to make decisions for us. And we don’t listen to ourselves. Now.
I don’t mean when you say like, where do you want to go eat and someone says, blah, blah, Mexican food, and you’re like, oh, okay, that that’s not making a decision. For me, that’s what I’m talking about is when I have to make a decision of impact. And I know, deep down, but I am so influenced by other people around me that I make a different decision. This is like when I know I need to do something. But instead, I call a couple girlfriends. And I say, What do you think? What would you do? All you’re doing is asking them what’s the filter you see the world through? Right? But you got to listen to your filter, you got to listen to your knower, or get rid of the filter and listen to you. This happens when
your partner makes the decisions. This happens when you know what would be right for you. But your partner is making the final decision instead of partnering with you to make the decision.
Like coming together and making a decision together isn’t what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when you give up the decision making process to someone else, whether you know it or not, whether it’s just by asking for advice from everybody to make sure because what you’re really doing is feeling Is it is it okay, is it going to be seen or perceived as okay, if I make this decision?
I have found more and more and more over the past five years that I won’t go to a friend to discuss something. When I’m really ready to make a decision. I don’t want to talk to somebody else.
And if I do I know it’s that I’m not ready to make the decision. Because when we’re ready to make the decision we know and when we
are in the present moment, we can hear the right knowing and make the decision is when we’re all over the place. We’re asking everybody else and we’re listening to everybody else. We’re not keeping any promises to ourselves. So of course, we don’t trust ourselves. How can you trust yourself if you’re constantly like skipping out on yourself? Right? How can you trust yourself? When you offload decisions to somebody else? Like, how can you trust yourself? When you don’t listen to the inner instead you reject it, and you make a pros and cons list and just use your conscious mind and all the things that that entails? How could you trust that inner knower if you’re constantly rejecting it? And so over time, it starts to disintegrate and break up that deep connection.
It starts to change things. So now, you’re in a moment where you’re like, I know, I have to make a decision. I know what the decision is, but I’m not going to do it.
I’m not going to do it, because I don’t, I can’t trust that. That’s right. What if I’m wrong? I can’t trust that thing.
So how do we start to get that back? Like, how do we fix that? So the first way is that we just do that thing we listen in, and then we act. But the way to do this isn’t going to be on those big things that overwhelms you where you’re already doubting yourself, it’s going to be on really little things, really little things, things that you may perceive as inconsequential. This thing doesn’t really matter. But I’m going to check in with my inner Knower. Here’s what how I’m going to do that. I’m going to go out to lunch with a friend. And I’m going to look at the menu. And I’m going to pick based on what my intuition, not like, Oh, but I should have that thing. I shouldn’t have that I should have that. Oh, you’re going to stop that. And you’re going to just listen in to the inner No, or what should I have?
Right, you’re going to lay in bed in the morning. And you’re going to ask yourself, What should I do first, and then you’re going to do it.
So you’re going to really listen in and you’re going to start making little changes, little decisions that you can actually act on from a place of knowing, not from your conscious mind. But from a gut feeling.
The second way that you’re going to do that is you’re going to give yourself grace, you’re going to just forgive yourself for all the times that you didn’t do it. Forgive yourself for all the times where you didn’t keep promises to yourself.
Forgive yourself for all the times where you perceived yourself in a certain way, because you did something in a certain way. And give yourself the same grace that you would give somebody else.
If you were in your situation.
If if a friend was in your situation, and they called you?
How would you what would you tell them? You know, if you if you’re like I have I’m keep rehashing this stuff from two years ago, if a friend called you and said that, what would you say?
You’d probably say like, you know, nobody’s perfect. We all make, make mistakes. And we can get a new learning from those mistakes. And it’s not doing any good, like zero, for you to be thinking about it still.
Just let that go. And what what can you focus on in the future? Here’s what I do. If I notice I’m doing that. As soon as I notice, I go, Oh my god, first of all, I go, Oh, my God, what am I doing that, and then they immediately think of something that I want in the future. Because your brain can’t think of two things at once.
So I can immediately shift, I just think about something I want in the future. I used to have a little list in my wallet, it might still be there, I should check. But it was a list of things that I loved to think about. So that when I noticed that I was doing this, I could just look at the list.
And the list included things like when I would hug my little dog, you know when I would hug Miley and kiss her, it would include me the sound of the sound of your foot when it goes into a swimming pool. You know when you’re sitting on the side of a pool and then you put your foot in it goes clunk, you know. I love that sound. I think we think about the ocean and standing with the water up to my ankles and the ocean, right? So these are the things when I think about that. I can’t think about that dumb thing I did. So I can start to shift this by leaving alone the past and just shifting into the present moment or shifting to the future if I need to do that. In order
To get out of that cycle, because sometimes that thought can be more entertaining than the thought of the present moment. If you need to ground and be in the present, then just start naming everything in the room.
So if I notice I’m thinking about that thing, I’m wondering about that thing. Then I just look around and I go computer, microphone, iPad, keyboard, box of Kleenex, I don’t know if you can hear my thick, I’m getting a cold, like Taco Chico, I just started naming things around me. So bringing it back, getting out of the past and bringing it back, I’m going to start to fix that connection.
The second, or the third thing. So listen in and take and take these small actions, give yourself the same grace that you would give to other people. And then the third thing is, when you set your goals, when you set, you know, we’re heading, we’re in the fourth quarter here. So we’re heading in, it’s going to be I mean, the next two months are going to go by super fast, right? Because it’s the holidays, and everything starts to like, become like a super fast vortex, all of a sudden, we’re gonna be like dumped out onto 2022, right. And when you look at your goals, for next year, we are in the process over the past week of setting our goals for the business over the next year, I want to set an achievable goal, I want to set a stretch goal.
And I want to set a holy shit goal.
Because I want to have something that’s achievable. Because if I’m only setting a holy shit goal, and I don’t, and I continue to not get it and not get it, and every month, I’m not getting it. Like, you’re just going to throw in the towel.
So we look at where I’ve been. And I look at what’s achievable based on everything I’ve done, I am comparing, right, I’m looking at this and saying, Okay, this trajectory, what’s achievable, so then I can always go for that. And then I’m gonna have a stretch, if ePHI. Like, if I really am going for it, right? Like this month, I’m going to really push, I’m going to really go for the stretch goal. And then if I miss it, I hit the achieve goal, which was, you know, that’s where I wanted to be. And then I can have this whole shit. Like, what if I just get like, if I did some mindset work and just released the parameters, right? And I just went like, full hog on it. What could I do? Like, those are really fun to have some time because then you, you’re like, I don’t know, and you have to judge your energy. But I don’t know, for me that I can have a holy shit for every single month, like, I might get a little worn out. But sometimes it’s fun to be like, I’m going to do that one this month, I’m going to I’ll set little, little goals for myself, throughout the month, you know, let’s see if in the next 10 to 10k in 10 days is always a fun one for me. Let me see if I can make 10k in 10 days, it’s always fun to see how far I can get can I do 20k in 10 days, like those kinds of
tangible goals can be fun. And what they do is they start to build up that confidence. I can trust myself, I can do this thing.
And if you’re constantly just going for these crazy goals that that you just never can hit, it’s going to start to wear it down. Right? You’re going to start to not trust yourself because well, I’m going for stuff I can never get can be really overwhelming. When I was in sales years ago, I always had a goal, right that was set by the company. It was always an income goal or a you know, revenue goal. And I would have this revenue goal. And then I would set up my own goals and how I would do it I at one point I sold copiers and fax machines. And I would walk door to door here in Atlanta and go to small businesses and ask them what like, like what they had for copiers when their lease was up. And I would keep track of all that. So then I could go back when it was getting towards the time their lease was up so or did they need service? So most of the time I would get in no because most people were in a contract. So I made this page when my daughter was young, so I’m sure that’s where I got the idea. But
I took a page of like cartoon noses. And I just I I’ve photocopied the page. I remember I photocopied the page like a bunch of times. So I had like pages and pages of noses. Okay, so then I would go around. And every time somebody said no, I would cross off a nose. So I was hitting a goal I was achieving. And that was
like a huge thing for me, because I don’t know if you’ve ever known anyone or you have sold copiers. It’s one of the hardest sales jobs. And I knew if I could do that, well, I could get any other job that I wanted, which was true. And that’s what happened.
But I knew I had to do this. And I knew that I couldn’t do it if I was just hearing No, and that was a failure. So I turned that no into something good that was actually helping me achieve a goal I set for myself. So now, every time somebody said no, I would be like, yeah, Heck, yeah, I just, I’m getting closer to my goal. And at the end of the day, I would go to the next place, even if I was tired, because I’d be like, Oh, I just want to get one more No. Like, and then if I’d get a yes, I’d be like, Oh, sometimes I remember getting a yes and being like, disappointed, because I hadn’t gotten to know and was able to check off my list, right? So having a goal that is achievable, having a stretch goal and having that holy shit goal, right. So
the last one of how to fix this is to listen in to practice, practice listening in, just sit, just sit on your bed.
Sit Taylor style on your bed, with your hands on your knees, and don’t look at your phone. And just listen. Ask yourself, what do I need to know? What are you trying to tell me? What do I need to be paying attention to?
And just listen in. You don’t have to do it for two hours. Do it for like five minutes.
Maybe that’s the thing. As soon as you get up, you sit up and you put your hands on your knees. And you say, what do I need to listen to today? How can I connect with you, your inner Knower is waiting, is waiting for you.
And the moment that you do this, you’re going to make a connection that you can start to build on.
You don’t have to second guess yourself all the time and you don’t have to wonder Can I make this decision? Is it wrong? Will it get screwed up?
You can make decisions and you can know and you can trust yourself. And if you’ve broken that trust you can build it back. And I think when you do that, that is how you live a bit life. So try this out. Join me on the waitlist for the alchemy Institute get to know yourself. By using these tools. You can help other people to become a board certified NLP practitioner hypnotherapist deep streaming facilitation. EFT time techniques. It’s all there. Check it out on the website. I would love love love to get to see you and get to know you.
And if you liked this episode, please share it share it on social media and tag me it’s at Betsy pake or share it with your friends. Maybe it will help somebody else that’s got to make big decisions and you know they’ve been struggling. Alright, have an amazing, amazing week. Send me good vibes for my colonoscopy. schedule yours. And I will see you all next week.
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