322: Dealing with holiday stress - Betsy Pake

322: Dealing with holiday stress


In todays episode, Betsy shares some tips for dealing with holiday stress and defines what she thinks is going haywire at the holiday time.

After you listen, you’ll have a new way of thinking about everyone at the table and a new way of protecting your energy… and sanity!


Hello fellow adventurers. Hi. Welcome to the Art of Living big. I have a show for you today. That’s all about like Thanksgiving. So if you’re in the US or Thanksgiving is next week, and I wanted to share, like some thoughts about, about how tweaked out I think that the holidays, get everybody. I mean, there’s stats about it right that like people are way more stressed, people are getting together with family members that maybe they don’t spend time with, typically. And it tends to be a really overwhelming time. And I have some thoughts. So I just wanted to share those thoughts. Maybe it will help you. Maybe, maybe you’re one of those really lucky people that is totally in tune with your family and really close. And if that is you, then I love that so much. And maybe you could still give a listen and you could help your friends. Right. So okay, so let me dive into this

Welcome to the Art of Living big podcast. My name is Betsy pake. I’m an author, a speaker and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy. And I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Okay, so I just saw this thing on the internet. And as soon as I saw it, I was like, Oh, this, this this thing. This is the thing that causes everybody so much stress at the holidays. And so I want to talk about what I just saw. And then I want to talk about the stress that everybody feels at the holidays and some of my thoughts and things that you can do. Okay. So here’s what I saw. You guys know, Carrie Underwood, right? You know, she started on American Idol. So she, I think she won American Idol. I mean, one of like, the early early ones. I mean, I think it was like 15 or 20 years ago, right? She wins American Idol. And she’s very country. So at that time, she was really in even over the last 10 years, I’d say she’s like really embedded with country music, you know, she has sung at the Grand Ole Opry. She’s in with all the country music stars, and definitely like her job genre has been country. And then over the past few years, I’ve noticed there has been this shift, right? She, she got married and had some kids and clearly is working with like a really great trainer. And she looks amazing. And she started doing a little bit more like rock and roll stuff. And I think it was like The Rolling Stones like within the last year or so I saw her do something with the Rolling Stones. And you might be yelling what it is right now, because I just can’t remember off the top of my head. But she’s like, much more like crunchy or much more like rock and roll. And I noticed a lot of the pictures that she posts, or her team posts are, like, you know, from down low, like looking up at her with all the lights and she’s singing and she just looks really rock and roll like really cool. And I saw this really great picture of her today. It came up in my feed. And you know, I really liked Carrie Underwood. But I’m not like a super fan. You know, it’s not like, I’m not like a like I am with Taylor Swift. Do you know what I’m saying? So like, I like her. But like, I’m good either way. But I saw this post and it caught my eye because it’s such a badass picture of her. I mean, she looks it’s, it’s, you know, it’s got a filter on it, where it’s kind of darkened, and she just looks like her hair is rock and roll. And it’s you can’t even see your face because there’s just so much hair flying around and her legs are killer, and she’s got a awesome outfit. And she’s singing and like the light. I mean, it’s just a cool rock and roll kind of picture. And I clicked on the comments, which, you know, we should never do if we want to stay in a good mood. Because there’s just so much fighting, I’m like, is a picture of Carrie Underwood. And so people were going back and forth about how she’s given up on country and this doesn’t look country. I mean, everyone was like, This doesn’t look country. But one woman in particular said Don’t forget where you don’t forget who you are Carrie, and then like some hearts and you know, whatever it was happy emojis. Don’t forget who you are. And I was like, oh, Donna really wanted to comment but then I was like why? So I was like I will just go on the puck asked him comment on the podcast. But don’t forget who you are. Don’t forget, carry that I want you to be the way I’ve always known you to be. I don’t want you to change or grow or move into something that I don’t approve of. I don’t want you to do something that moves me outside of my comfort zone. I want you to remember who you are and who you are is what I think you are. It’s not what you think you are. It’s not what you’re growing into. It’s who I think you are. And don’t forget it. And it’s kind of like a shaming, like, don’t forget who you are. And I got this feeling like, oh, man, like, this is what happens when we go home for Thanksgiving, or Christmas. Because we’ve changed and grown, and we can feel like people don’t understand who they are, who we are. And they just want us to stay the same.

You know, just stay the same, because you changing and growing, makes them have to interact with you different. And some people don’t like that. It can feel really disorienting, and it can feel it can feel like if I if you’re not the same, and I am then then that feels uncomfortable to me. And don’t think you’re better than me now. Because you’re growing and changing. Who do you think you are? Don’t forget who you are. And I just was like, and I think there’s this like whole idea of changing and growing. Like as a like as a concept. We’re like, yes, change and grow. But when it comes through really doing it, when it comes to really having growth and doing new things, we still want you to be Jenny from the block, you know, don’t be anything else than what we perceived as comfortable. And I think that what happens is we go home with family. And that experience happens. Right? There’s a lot of reasons why we struggle at family events. And it doesn’t mean our family isn’t lovely, or that they don’t love us, it just means that they probably see us and we probably see them in the way that they were when we used to live with them, right or when we were young, or when we used to live near them. And it can be really difficult for people to understand that we may have grown and changed over the years that where we now live has impacted us and exposed us to different things. And we are different because of that, that the people that we hang out with might be different than they were when we were growing up and living with them. And so we’re exposed to those people’s thoughts and ideas. And some of them maybe we really like and we’ve picked up and now they’re different than the people that we grew up with and that we love. And this can lead to so much tension. And the weird thing about it, I think is that it’s like this undercurrent of tension. Because nobody wants to say like you’ve grown and changed and it makes me uncomfortable. Because nobody has that awareness. I don’t even know that I have that awareness, right. Like you just go like, Oh, I what’s happening, something feels off. And I think if you add in any kind of up leveling in terms of your money mindset and your financial position, that can make people feel really off kilter. And so I’ve got some tips that I think can help when we’re going into a situation where we start to feel like we’re being misunderstood, or that somebody is trying to pull us back into who we were. And I’m gonna say it, I’ll probably say it a couple more times, but it’s not because they don’t love us. And it’s not because we don’t love them. It’s because these patterns are deeply, deeply ingrained. There’s probably not an awareness of it. And so it impacts how we act because that’s all unconscious, right? So if you’ve got somebody in your life that you always react to in the same way, and then they come to you and they’re totally different. So when you react to them in the same way, they have a different response that can be really jarring for our nervous systems. Right. And so, all of that is happening. Okay. So here’s, here’s some things that I think could be helpful. Okay. So, you know, we want our family to see how much we’ve grown. And if that’s what we want, then we have to do the same for them. So my suggestion is to get really curious about everybody that’s there at the family dinner, especially If you don’t live around there anymore, don’t assume that you know how they think, or what they’re going to do or how they’re going to react. Pretend that you are putting on a suit of curiosity, and ask them questions and get to know them. Like they were a stranger.

If you start to get into a conversation where you find that you’re disagreeing, you know, and you’re just like, oh, my gosh, you know, Uncle Joe hasn’t changed at all. One great thing that I love to say, is, that’s an interesting perspective. I don’t have to explain what I think. I don’t have to continue to listen. And I can just say, that’s an interesting perspective. And there’s no way to argue with that. Because it is it’s different than my perspective. But all I have to say is, that’s an interesting perspective. And one of the things I think can be really helpful. And, you know, we’re not always going to agree with people that are in our, even if they’re in our families, right. But if it’s an interesting perspective, or it’s a different perspective, than you have asked more questions about it, like understand why they think that way. I know there’s somebody in my life that thinks very differently about most things in the world. And I’ve gotten to understand their story. And I think, you know, what, if my story was exactly like theirs, I would probably think the way they do. And my perspective is different. Now, because I’ve lived a different story. It helps me to take away the judgment, and to say they’re having this experience this life experience, and I’m having one that’s different. And that’s okay, but I can learn about theirs. I don’t have to agree. But I can learn about it, and just get really curious. All right, the second tip is do remember, you don’t have to dive into conversations that are hard. You don’t have to, you don’t have to have any conversation over Thanksgiving dinner that you don’t want to have. And you don’t have to just sit there and say that’s an interesting perspective and allow them to tell you everything you can also deflect. And you know, I think we’re really good at doing this with toddlers, I’m going to explain what I mean. But with toddlers, you know, they were playing with something and you don’t want them to play with a light socket, you throw something else in front of them. And you say here, play with this, look at this. And they do they just grab it and go okay, right. That’s how we deal with toddlers think of it in the same way. So ask another question. Right? Or simply walk away. So one of the things that I like to do let’s, let’s say, you know, Marge, is, is saying, are you still doing that? Voodoo hypnosis, right, I don’t have to, I can see where that conversation is going. And I don’t have to have it, because I know they don’t understand hypnosis. And they’re not going to want to understand they’re not trying to be curious. They’re trying to, like pick out something, right. So I can just say, you know, those roles that you’ve always made every year, have you made those this year? You can just deflect, put something else in their hand and start talking about that. Oh, have you? Are you going to get married this year? Are you guys just going to live together forever living in sin? You don’t have to answer that. You don’t have to dive into that conversation. Because there’s no way you could explain it. And you don’t have to explain yourself. So you can just say, you know, I love that you were married for 49 years, what a great thing that is, then we’ll start talking about that. So just bring up another topic, ask a different question. Or you can just walk away. Like it’s okay.

All right, here’s my third one. And you’re not going to like it, but I’m just going to say it anyway. If if you find that it is like a stressful thing, like you just know, I’m going in this might not be your situation. But I know some people that are like, I’m gonna go, I’m gonna stay there for two and a half hours. And then I’m leaving, like, like, like, it’s so stressful. And there’s a lot of traumas in families and just hard things, right? Skip the cocktails. You know, if you need a glass of wine to numb out and get through it. Like you might just say something that you regret, so just skip it. You can make like fun mocktails and you can even calm your nerves by going to sit at the kids table. So I think that there are some things that I want you to remember, because you’ve grown and changed. And so the number one thing I want you to remember is that that is okay. You can be different than how you were. And it’s okay if they don’t understand. The second thing I want you to know is that you can continue to grow and change. And you can change your mind from something you said last year. And next year, you can say something different than you said this year. It’s okay to actually change your mind about things too. And the third thing that I want you to remember is that you have value outside of what people think about you, that the value that you’re bringing, if they don’t appreciate the value that you’re bringing, then it might be time when you get home for you to spend, you know, if you’re the kind of person that’s like, I’m going to be there for two and a half hours, the alarms going off, I’m, I’m having a friend pretend to call me with an emergency, like, if that’s you, when you get home, give yourself a chance to regulate your nervous system. Give yourself a chance to take a big deep breath and remind yourself of how great you really are. Remind yourself of all of the value that you bring. And all of the hard work that you’ve done to get where you are. And all of the things that you’ve overcome, and how much you really have to offer to people. And we can create our family anywhere that we want. You might spend your holiday with blood relatives, and it might not feel good. But you can create an experience with people that you love, that are your made up family. And I would almost say if you have a really hard family experiences to plan something like that, like immediately after even that same night, I know friends that get together on Thanksgiving night just to all get together and celebrate the family that they created together. Right? Good friends can be like family. Now, on the flip side, if you really enjoy being with your family, and everything’s good, and you feel like everything’s happy, and like none of this lands with you at all, then I love that. I really, really love it. And the offering that I would give you is to just see everybody as they are today. Continue to allow people in your life to grow and change. And just love them wherever they are with whatever struggle they have, or whatever celebration that they have, that they’re bringing that and you can be witness to it. How lovely. I hope that you have an amazing holiday that you feel celebrated and appreciated. And in the end of the night, you know that you are living a big life. I will see you all next week. Happy holiday. See you soon. Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show. And thank you for sharing the show with your friends. I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me a review on iTunes. I know that it matters because when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to like figure out how to even make that happen. Now, if you want to find me find me on social media, I’m usually on Instagram, starting out on Tik Tok. It’s just my name Betsy pake, and that’s my website to Betsy pake.com. And you can find out all about the work that I do having me speak for an event that you might be hoping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy Institute. But to make it really easy, if you want me just shoot me a DM shoot me a direct message on Instagram and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening. And I will see you all next week.


Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs


*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.