337: Steps to self actualization


In todays episode Betsy shares 4 steps to get clarity on what is right for YOU so that you can live and thrive in YOUR full potential (instead of living your life the way you felt someone else thinks you should be living)


Welcome to the Art of Living big podcast. My name is Betsy pake. I’m an author, a speaker, and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy. And I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big.

Hello. Hi, everyone. Welcome fellow adventurers. Welcome to the Art of Living big. So. All right, so

today, this this week’s topic comes from my journal.

So I’ve got some stuff to share some things that I found that are really good that you might like, and then I have, like the, the theme of today. So let me start by saying that I have had historically like issues sleeping all night. And I have wondered over the years if it’s because I

go to bed so early. Like I love going to bed. So I go to bed at like nine or 930. And I have wondered if that’s why I wake up so early or sometimes wake up at like three o’clock in the morning. I have a rule. Now that I don’t ask Alexa, I don’t ask her what time it is in the middle of the night because I don’t have a phone near me or anything. So usually, if I would wake up in the middle of the night, I would ask her to tell me what time it is. But then I would start thinking about the time. So I had this new rule a couple of weeks ago where I was like, I’m not going to ask. And if I do ask, if I decide no, I need to ask, then if it’s four o’clock or later I have to get up. So

so it causes me to like ask myself Do I want to stay in bed. And if I do, don’t ask just go back to bed. And that kind of worked a little bit. It was helpful. But I was still waking up. And there was times where I was like, I just want to get a full night’s sleep. I don’t understand what’s going on.

And then I thought Is it hormones like I mean, all the things, but honestly, it’s kind of been a thing for me

that this has happened. So.

So fast forward to me just like on the internet. And I needed to get new Epsom salts. So typically, especially after I have like an energy session with my coach, I will take an Epsom salt bath. And on the days that I do that I do sleep a little bit better. So I I just was on Amazon looking up like Epsom salts. And then I was like I knew it’s the magnesium in the Epsom salts. And then rabbit hole. Magnesium Chloride is different than the kind of Epsom salts, magnesium that’s an Epsom salts or it’s absorbed differently or something. So

and I am not a scientist, so if you know the science and I just said that wrong. Forgive me, all I want to say is it’s different. This magnesium chloride flakes I purchased it’s called the sleepwell Magnesium Chloride flakes. I purchased them on Amazon. I mean, I can’t believe how good you know that like, yummy, sleepy feeling. I’ll wake up at like three o’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom because I gotta pee all the time now because I’ve trained myself, and I’m so sleepy, I get right back in bed and go back to sleep. It’s amazing. So I have been doing these baths now, for three nights in a row. Now this kind of sleepy thing would not happen three nights in a row might happen once. And I’d be like, okay, cool. But then the next night I’d be up at two, right? No, all three night I just ordered more. I’m like I have to get this. Like speedy to my house. I’m not making any money by telling you this. I’m not some promoter of it. I just I’m telling you this work. So the brand I used was called Iris I’m looking it’s a blue bag, the one I bought and it’s seven minerals, sleep well, magnesium chloride flakes, three pound bag, that’s what I bought.

I just got more it’s gonna be delivered today. I can’t wait. So every night I’m taking a bath and you have to soak in it per the internet for 30 minutes. And so that’s what I’ve been doing. And it is it is chef’s kiss. So I wanted to share that in case you’re like me and you’re like up in the middle of the night.

So I have I have I will say the last two nights I’ve also thrown in some Epsom salts too because I liked the smell of the Epsom salts that I had. So you know I don’t know if that’s doing anything the combo. It’s like my own recipe I guess of absence of magnesium at night but that works. So I

Alright, so there’s my PSA for those of you up in the middle of the night like me. Okay, so you’ve heard me talk before about how I have like an online journal. So typically, in the morning, I will journal.

Like just kind of the thoughts that are on my mind, like when I wake up, I get those out, it’s sort of like I discharge those whatever’s on my mind. And then I can go on with my day. And I don’t continue to go back and see it. So I use this app called day one. And I’ve been using it for I don’t know how long, I want to say like at least 10 years, it was before I was married. So probably 1215 years, I don’t know, a long time. And I used to, I wouldn’t have not always been super.

Like, probably like the last five or six years of just about every day, I will write in it. Alright, so then it shows me on this day, you know, so like, one year ago, or five years ago. And sometimes it’s really interesting, because it makes me I go back and look, and then I’m like, Oh, my God was why was I thinking about that. It’s so funny, because that thing I was worried about really means nothing to me now. Like, I don’t even remember worrying about that thing. And it does give a bit of perspective of like, most of the things I worry about are inconsequential. And I always say that word wrong, y’all.

I should edit it out. But I’m not going to in conch consequential. Thank you. Okay. Most of them don’t matter. Right? Most of them don’t matter. But every once in a while, I’m like, Oh, my God, what the heck was I thinking? Like, why was I even thinking this? Okay, so now I look back. And one of the previous years, I’m talking about my life, and sort of

how I was trained. And I’m was want to share this because I am curious if this happened to you too. And I have thoughts about it and things that I’ve done differently. So I was taught to care deeply about what people think. So this is the biggest thing in my life that I have had to undo. And lots of times there is layers to our undoing. And that is one where I have found layers. So I want to explain what I mean, I was reminded, like, all the time, as a kid, that I represented my parents, and that my behavior reflected on them. Now, my dad, I lived in a really small town, but my dad was like on every board and school board. And like

valant, my parents volunteered for everything, like very active in the community. And so there was always this, You better behave if you don’t all find out. And it reflects badly on us as parents, if you don’t act right now, I am not slamming my mother and father, like I get it. And maybe in some ways, that’s right. I don’t know, I’d have to spend some time thinking about that. But what it did was, it made me hyper aware of everything that I did, and how that was reflecting, like, on my parents or my family. And it taught me to watch what others did first. So

like, I would be scanning sort of for like, How do other people behave? What’s the appropriate thing to do in this situation, so that I could,

I guess blend in in a lot of ways not, or not be not represent my parents in in a way that they wouldn’t like, right? If I’m acting like everybody else, then I’m totally fine. It also taught me to work really hard towards accomplishment, instead of towards things that made me feel like really alive. And this has been a huge struggle in my life, where I want to succeed, and, and sometimes at the detriment of people around me or relationships or, like fun things in my life, or like other things at one point. And I’ll give you an example. A recent example, when I was in Iceland, I was working, and I was really focused. And I felt like what I was writing was important and I felt like this is going to help my business. This is going to help me succeed. And everybody in Iceland started screaming because the Northern Lights were outside. And I didn’t go out right off. I waited because I needed to finish what I was doing because success was so important to me now. I did go out and I did see the Northern Lights many times


And maybe it was a little bit of

a knowing that there’d be lots of opportunities, but Oh, my God, come in Iceland the first time, you know what I mean? And so I’m node I noticing this right and this and that in Iceland is after, like, I thought I’d healed a lot of that stuff, right? So it taught me to put,

like, success really above a lot of things. Now, I know that our parents do their very best. I’m a parent. And I know my daughter, I know my daughter goes to therapy and talks about

the ways I’ve screwed up. So I’m not blaming my parents, I know that they learned that from somewhere else. But I am noticing how much of my programming that I have had to reevaluate for myself to unlearn and to make my own rules about what to focus on. You know, the first couple years of my podcast, and I think I talked about this, in the episode a few episodes back where April was on with me the AMA episode we did. But in the first few years of the podcast, I got a lot of feedback from people. And some of them like would love an episode, and I felt really good. And then I’d get another email from someone who hated the same episode. And then I feel really bad. You know, one person would join my training, and I would be rejoicing, and then another person would reject me. Yeah, I’m just like, roller coaster of emotions, trying to decide if I was good, or if I was bad.

You know, if, if they felt like the cost was too high to work for me, then I’d be like, Am I over valuating my work. And then if a client would reach out to me after, like, we stopped working together, like after they had completed their program with me, and it was like a year later. And they would reach out. And they would tell me that working with them was the working with me was the thing that, that that changed the whole trajectory of their whole life. And then I’d feel like my price was a true investment. Right. So the ups and the downs of loving myself, based on all of these individual external factors was, was like killing me. And I knew that that had to change. So it was probably probably six, five or six years ago, where I started to really get an awareness of this. And I started to choose to listen to my body as a way to evaluate what feels off. So when people would talk about something, I would check in with my body and say, does that feel right for me? Now, we can do a lot of things in a lot of different ways. There are a multitude, endless ways to succeed in life doing a lot of different ways to get to the same result, honestly, everybody has, like, their own way of doing things in their own way that feels like authentic, you know, I do a podcast and I love doing that. It feels really aligned. And it’s super easy for me. But I don’t love.

Like writing. I don’t make YouTube videos, like I’m not wanting to show up on YouTube and have like the words in front and like the, like, I look at people and I’m like, that’s really cool. Like, I watched those videos. But that’s not my thing. You know what I mean? Maybe that could change at some point.

But I think that, like noticing in my body, what is right for me, what’s the path for me? And and when I notice, you know, where I can, where I can shift? What is my own truth, then I can feel much more aligned with how I want to live instead of based on what I think my parents would think was succeeding. Now, my mom has been gone for like 35 years.

I think it’s 35 years this week. And I’m still evaluating things based on if she would be proud of me, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s only bad when it starts to pull you away from you. So

I changed, right, I changed and I’m in a constant state of changing, I want to make decisions on what I want before I react, right. So I use different tools like EFT to calm my nervous system in times where I would have been triggered or overwhelmed or felt like I had to keep pushing to do something. And I created some space for myself to decide how I wanted to experience myself. And that gave me room to start to grow. And I started to feel better. And I started to make better choices for my life choices that actually made me feel alive and made me feel excited. You know, choices that made me feel like I was thriving.

It’s still hard sometimes to not care about what

People think or not be pleased when someone gives me positive feedback. But now I have a way to temper it with a dose of what I think. Right, I ground it with my own beliefs and my knowledge about about myself and my intentions for living this life. So reprogramming and recording that thing that was holding me back and keeping me from showing up truly as myself has been a thing that has really, really shifted my experience in this world. And when I saw that, that journal entry come up from years ago, I thought, oh my gosh, like so much has shifted, so much has changed, almost that I didn’t notice. And so I wanted to share some things with you that I think might help make help you make this shift to so obviously, I, I always always always believed in a in NLP, right Neuro Linguistic Programming, it’s what I am a trainer of I train people to be practitioners and NLP hypnotherapy all of that stuff. But also, when I work with my clients, I use NLP extensively, to be able to shift this stuff so that it’s really fast. And you’ve heard me talk about this before, if you’ve been here for a while, but so much of what we do is just from our unconscious mind, like 95% of the choices that you’re making, the way you’re seeing things, like so much of me wanting and striving for success was based on an unconscious thing that was happening. But when you can make that unconscious thing conscious, then you go, Oh, well, now I get a choice. Because now it’s conscious instead of just this thing that’s happening in the background. So I absolutely believe in, in coaching for that having somebody help you shift. In fact, there’s more to come on this, but inside the collective, which is my annual coaching program, we actually are breaking this down, based on focusing on different intensives each month, so that there’ll be like a process that you work through that will bring you into this level of self actualization that you get to choose. Right. So here’s the things that I think can really help. In the meantime, join the collective, absolutely come and join us and we’re going to be starting that process. In April of really toning in and doing these monthly intensives. This month, we have done an intensive in March on on finding miracles and how to change your, your,

your scanner, right your your unconscious scanner so that it picks up more of the things that seem like oh my god, I never noticed that before. Right? That oh my god, this thing can happen. So here’s the things I think that you need to do to make this shift to go really into a self actualization. So to shift your focus from external validation to an internal purpose and fulfillment, right? And the number one thing, I think, is to reflect on your values, so understand what truly matters to you, like, what really brings you joy, it’s really hard to make a choice on like, Am I just doing this thing for external fulfillment? Or is this the thing that brings me joy? If I don’t know what brings me joy, right, or if I don’t know what joy feels like in my body.

So this can be just like thinking about your personal in interest, right, like exploring, like different hobbies or things that you’re interested or passionate about. But also noticing where you’re spending your time? Like, where do you shift when you have free time? And that might be like, What are you thinking about? Like, what is it that you’re drawn to? And so a second, like, sort of other side of the coin of this, of

reflecting on values. And when I work with clients, so many times people will say like, this is my value this thing.

But then when you look at what they are doing with their time, this thing that they said was their value isn’t showing up. And so

it may be there is a distinction between what you want to be your value, and what is your value. Now, I found I actually took tick tock off my phone because I found I was going to tick tock so much like just going to tick tock and looking at tick tock

any kind of like free time or if I was struggling with something like if I was stuck on a problem I would go to like, let me just pick up my phone. Hey, like I don’t want to can’t think through this. And so, my, my value I realized I was I was sort of offering it. Do you know what I mean? Like my value was

to work hard and to show up and to work through the hard things, right to not opt out, and I wasn’t drinking or, you know, crazy online shopping or whatever, but I was opting out by picking up my phone, right? So sometimes just looking at that makes you go, Okay, I’m not living in alignment with what I want to be my values. So reflect on your values, number one thing to be able to start to make this shift,

then set up goals that are really meaningful. Now, here’s what I mean by this, I realized that in this experience of mine of trying to do what everybody thought I set up a lot of goals that were what I thought other people thought I should be doing, right, or goals that were

like, would be celebrated, right.

But not necessarily goals, where I would be like, oh, I want to do that thing. You know, I want to do that. We learned so much from our kids, you know, and my daughter wants to be a piercer, I’ve talked about that before on the show. Like that’s, she’s super into it. She’s into the like,

history of it, and meaning of it and like much more than just the aesthetic of it, which I think is really cool.

But it’s not what I would choose.

And so I have had to really watch myself, in me putting what I would choose on her. And she’s set a meaningful goal for her, which is that she wants to be a piercer. So she’s doing things now, taking little classes, you know, being in that culture in that environment, to reach that goal. It aligns with her passion and values, right? So think about your goals and think about are you setting goals? Just because that’s what you think you should the goal you should set? Or are you setting goals? Because that’s what brings you joy? Like, who cares what your mother thinks?

But that’s what brings you joy. All right. The third thing is,

is I think we would describe this like in a,

like in a personal development world, we would say a growth mindset, right? But I think of it more as like, make failure means something different. Like, I think that we’re really frightened of failure, right, I want to succeed. But in that, in that I want to succeed is a in NLP we call this like a towards motivation, or in a way motivation. Although I want to succeed seems on the surface like a towards motivation, I want to go towards something really, a lot of mine came from a fear of failure. Like I didn’t want to not succeed. It wasn’t about like, I want to achieve this cool thing. I want to do this because it was like, I don’t want to not do what I’m supposed to do. And so for me, I had to really shift what I thought about failure, like what I thought about,

like things not working out. And when I changed that, then it became easier for me to go for stuff that filled me up instead of stuff that I thought would be achievement. So when I was in Baltimore in January, I had a speaking gig and I went a few days early and spent some time with one of my high school girlfriends. And that night, we played Gin Rummy, we played cards. And she had like a book, like a notebook where she kept track like, and we were looking back, you know, she’s like, Oh my God, when my mom was here or during COVID Like my mom won all these games, you know, like she had the, the things. She had it all written down. So we were writing our scores down. I mean, I was losing all the time, but she plays all the time.

And so she said, Oh my god, she kept writing it down. Because that’s what she does. Right? She keeps track. It’s kind of fun. It was like a guest book, but for card playing. And

it she was like I’m sorry. I it that’s when it hit it hit me. I said, Oh, you have that. Oh, like, Oh, your idea of this is that this is not good for me are wouldn’t be what I wanted, because I’m not winning cards, and you’re writing it down.

But to me, it means something totally different. To me, it meant that I’m getting to spend time with my girlfriend. It’s super fun. I’m learning how to play this game I haven’t played in a long time and I’m in the guestbook. So to me, I never it never honestly never occurred to me. And I think of myself as pretty competitive like if there’s something I’m competing for, but

I didn’t see that as a competitive thing at all. And so failure meant something totally different. So, recognize start to notice, like, what does failure mean for you, like, if you when do you notice during the day that you fail. And it might just be, you might not be labeling it as failure, but it might just be like air, right? Like a buck clench, like, you’re like Nana, like that might be you scrolling on Facebook, or Instagram, and you’re like, Ah, right, because somebody else is doing something, are you interpreting that as you not doing something, and that’s what’s causing the clench. So developing a growth mindset, but I think it’s really about changing how you view failure. I think this could change, like everything, but I’m gonna do like a whole month on this side, the collective. All right.

The next one is to start to become self aware. I mean, I preach this all the time. And I’m always talking about this, like, just start to become aware, be honest with yourself, about where you’re

really good, and where you’re struggling, you know, some of the things I’ve been struggling with, recently, in my business I had to get really honest with, it’s okay that I’m struggling. Like, it might look like a failure, this like thing that’s happening, but it’s okay that I’m struggling, because there’s just something for me to learn. It’s a skill. So many things are just skills that can be learned. It’s not like you born knowing how to do stuff, I had to learn how to podcast and do all this stuff. So it’s not the gift of self awareness. And be honest with yourself about what your strengths are, what your weaknesses, where you need to grow, where you need to get help, right. And then,

and then use that, to get to that meaningful goal, to get to the goal that really lights you up.

So I think those are like four things you can do that can really start to shift your experience, if you’re like me, and if you’re not, and you don’t have this, like, I gotta make my parents happy thing. Maybe you have like your own version of that, you know, and how can you start to shift so that you are living in alignment with you, you feel so lit up, and happy and alive every single day, because I think that is actually a big life. I think that is the big life is living as big as you can in the space where you are today. Not tomorrow, straight now, being in this moment and noticing that the infinite in this moment,

and not connecting it to all that other stuff. It’s just about you for just a minute. Just let it be about you. All right. All right, join me inside the collective, we’re gonna do some cool stuff. I’m really excited about some of the stuff that’s coming in the next few months. And I want to have you join me. So head over there, you can just go to my website, Betsy pake.com. And then you’ll see it right there underneath the big picture in the front where it says join the collective, I think you’re gonna love it. And you get access to me, and we meet every week and all the courses that I’ve got available too. So you can dive into these specific things that you need to work on. So all right, I will see you inside the collective and if not, I will see you next week. Talk to you soon.

Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show. And thank you for sharing the show with your friends. I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me a review on iTunes. I know that it matters because when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to like figure out how to even make that happen. Now, if you want to find me find me on social media, I’m usually on Instagram, starting out on Tik Tok. It’s just my name. Betsy pake, and that’s my website to Betsy pake.com. And you can find out all about the work that I do. having me speak for an event that you might be helping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy Institute. But to make it really easy, if you want me just shoot me a DM, shoot me a direct message on Instagram and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening. And I will see you all next week.


Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs


*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.