372: The patterns that control your life


In this podcast episode, Betsy Pake gets real about how our childhood experiences can seriously shape our adult lives. She opens up about her own story and shares how the patterns and expectations from her younger years influenced her behavior and emotional regulation way into adulthood. Betsy dives deep into the major role our nervous system plays in setting our comfort zones and how we react to life’s curveballs. She dishes out a game-changing roadmap for busting through limiting beliefs and rewiring our nervous system to match what we truly want. By the end, you’ll feel empowered to break free from those sneaky subconscious patterns and live a life that’s more authentic and fulfilling


Betsy [00:00:05]:
Welcome to the art of Living big podcast. My name’s Betsy Paik. I’m an author, a speaker, and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy. And I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Welcome to the art of Living big to this week’s episode. So, what are we going to talk about today? What are we going to talk about today? I don’t know, but it’s going to come to me, and it will be perfection when it does.

Betsy [00:00:45]:
So I’ve got a couple things. I’m just going to start sharing a few things, and we’ll kind of see where it leads. The beautiful thing is, I can just erase it if it’s not what I want. So here we are. I’m still suffering from my birds, so if you’ve been here for a little while, I had these birds nest on my porch, which I thought was going to be so great. And the birds finally flew away. The babies have gone and are living their best life, but they left behind bugs. They left behind bugs.

Betsy [00:01:20]:
And I honestly haven’t even been able to go out on my porch in a week. I’m so next year, when the birds come, I’m gonna be so mean. I’m gonna. I’m gonna put some birdhouses out so they have another place to go. But I’m gonna be aggressive in protecting my space because it. We got mites. Bird mites. I’m gonna completely gross you out.

Betsy [00:01:44]:
But we got these mites, and they’re microscopic. I’m gonna tell you some facts about mites, because I have researched. But bird mites, like, the kind of mites that are in bird nests and all of that, they’re so tiny, I can’t even begin to tell you how tiny. You can feel them on your hand, but you can’t see them. You have to, like, look so close. And they have legs that really. Only they’re really geared towards grabbing onto feathers and not skin. Even saying the word skin grossed me out, and they need bird blood, so they’re like vampires, only for birds, so they won’t live, but they’ll get on you and they’ll bite you.

Betsy [00:02:32]:
I can’t even tell you how disgusting. I would feel them. I’d feel them and I would be like, once I saw them and I knew they were there, then when I would go out, I sprayed everything. I mean, I’m talking. I just want you to know, as you’re thinking, like, why didn’t you clean it? I’m telling you, I have cleaned, I have sprayed, I have done dish soap. I have, like, all the things, okay? All the things. I’m itching just telling you about this, so. But I would.

Betsy [00:03:00]:
I would do all these things, and then a couple days would go by, and I would sit out there, and then I would be like, oh, my God. I can feel them. Like, I can feel them, like, all over my body. And I’d have to go take a shower, and then I’d be like, I must have got them off me. And then, like, hours later, I would get all these red marks on me. So, like, they were biting me. I. Oh, my God.

Betsy [00:03:22]:
I mean, are you still listening? Because you’re probably like, what the hell is she telling us this for? I. It has just been. This has been the thing that has, like, sucked up my life over the past two weeks. So I’m really hopeful that the mites have now dispersed. I think they’re probably dead. I went out two days ago and looked, and I think I got, like, one little one on my hand, but it not. Like it was. So I was like, I think they’re dying off.

Betsy [00:03:49]:
I have exterminated myself, slathered myself in all kinds of repellents of every kind. Anyway, if. If you live someplace where you’re like, oh, I’m excited. We’re getting birds nest. Just heed this warning. Let this stay in your brain for years to come if you see a bird’s nest being built, just. I’m not saying, like, I don’t want to be mean to the birds. Right? I mean, I was excited about it, right? But I will get birdhouses.

Betsy [00:04:18]:
That’s what I’m gonna do, is I’m gonna have a whole village of birdhouses available for them in my yard. So that’s. That’s the update on the birds. If you’ve been here for a little while or you followed along on my instagram, one of the things I’ve been really working on in this summer, one of my focuses. I’m not going to say a goal, because a goal sounds so, like, specific, but one of my focuses is to make some friends real life. So I have had a lot of friends in my life. I have friends from high school that I still see and keep in touch with. I mean, when I make a friend, I keep a friend.

Betsy [00:05:03]:
But, you know, we moved during COVID I moved into the city in Atlanta during COVID and I haven’t really found my people around here. I have a couple friends that live nearby me, but not close enough friends to really do stuff. And I feel like I’ve asked, like, do you want to do something? And they’ll say, oh, I would, but I can’t. And so you only ask a few times, right? And then you’re like, I’m not going to ask anymore, but I’ve got to make new friends. So this summer, one of my focuses is on making new friends. So one of the things that I did was our community has a Facebook group, and I joined the Facebook group, and I started, like, scanning for things that I could do with people. So one of the things was there was, like, a community cleanup in the cemetery. Okay? So we have, like, an old historic cemetery near us.

Betsy [00:05:58]:
And, you know, if you’ve been here before, you’ve heard me talk about how I live in Atlanta, in east Atlanta in, like, an old neighborhood, and there’s this historic cemetery. And so I got, like, where I saw this. It’s gonna be this cleanup. I mean, it’s. It said on the sign. Also, they had a sign on the cemetery because I drove by to see the sign. It said, we’ll have snacks. So I was like, this is absolutely the event for me.

Betsy [00:06:25]:
I show up on Saturday, and there’s, like, nobody there. There’s, like, one older man, which I’m not opposed to having a friend that’s an older man. But it wasn’t really what I was looking for. And he was weed whacking, and that was it. There was nobody there, not even the snack person. So I kind of abandoned that mission, and then I was like, well, there’s got to be a better way, a different way for me. And so I have joined this app that connects you for dinner. So basically it puts you with five other friends.

Betsy [00:07:02]:
I’m using air quotes because they’re not your friends yet, but they will be supposedly after you have dinner. So there’s six of you total. And the app, like, it’s a paid app, but they ask you all these questions, right? So, like, about what kind of food you like and how much money you’d want to spend. And do you like talking about politics or not? Do you like this or not this? Do you want this or this? And it just kind of narrows down to give you people. Okay, so I did it. I paid my $26 for the month to see what I thought. And I’m going to dinner tomorrow night. So Wednesday night.

Betsy [00:07:41]:
So if you are listening to this on Wednesday. Check my stories because I’ll be posting on Instagram. But I’ve got paired. I will find out tonight. So the app, like, unveils who else is going to be there 24 hours before, and then the restaurant is. They let you know the restaurant the day before, like, the morning before. And so I’ll know the restaurant tomorrow. And then you meet up, and they give you, like, a game.

Betsy [00:08:08]:
Like, probably an icebreaker, right? You know, I am going. So I. So I’m taking. I’m taking action, bold action, stepping forward, doing the thing that I would need to do to be able to find the people. I’m in my fifties, right? But I don’t feel like my energy is in my fifties. And so I want to find other people who are like me that their energy isn’t necessarily in their fifties, but they are. Right. Like, their kids are grown and moved out or whatever that looks like.

Betsy [00:08:39]:
So I am going tomorrow, and I feel like. Yeah, I feel really good about it. I’m excited. There’s a part of me that’s a little apprehensive. Like, I don’t know. You know, I’m not necessarily. I wouldn’t think of myself necessarily as an extrovert, historically. Although when I look back when I was a kid, I think I was really extroverted.

Betsy [00:09:03]:
So part of me feels like over the years, I’ve just kind of closed off, and maybe that impacted my ability to find the right people that were my people. So I’m noticing now where I’m closing up, and I’m noticing where I’m not expanding into who I really am. Okay, so now this is what we’re going to talk about today. So maybe that’s, like, you. Maybe you’re like, when I was younger, I feel like I was pretty extroverted. And maybe you feel extroverted around certain people. Right. I have thought, you know, it’s when we’re in a safe place or in an environment where we feel comfortable, where we are more of ourselves.

Betsy [00:09:49]:
And I think as we’re more of ourselves, we probably open up more and share more. One of the things, and this is what I want to talk about, is I have noticed that I will do this. This thing. I’m going to explain the thing, and then I’m going to talk about how it shows up for me and what I’m doing about it. Because you may do something similar, and it leads into this, like, extroversion. Introversion. But it’s also about being seen and wanting to close off and historically, over the last decade, I have had my coaching business since 2012. It’s been a long time, and it’s been a huge part of my life.

Betsy [00:10:31]:
I mean, the work that I do is truly, like, I’ve dedicated my life to doing this work with other people and with myself. So it’s not a small thing, but I noticed, have noticed over the past ten years and probably eight years, like, with Instagram, I will show myself until a point where suddenly I feel like there’s. I’m showing too much. And by too much specifically, I mean, like, it’s. It’s overkill. Like, I don’t want to. I start feeling like I’m viewing myself through somebody else’s eyes, and that person is saying, why are you. Why.

Betsy [00:11:15]:
Why is it all about you? Why do you. Why do you have to be the center of attention? Why do you like? Which is so silly. Okay, it’s so silly. But I start to view my self through that. Now, that frame, that lens isn’t my lens, and I certainly don’t think it’s the lens of, like, the deepest part of me. Like, my soul. Right? Like, the deepest, deepest inner knower of me, I don’t think is like, oh, you want to be the center of attention. Stop acting, stop sharing, you know, stop acting out or whatever it is that I’m hearing in my.

Betsy [00:11:51]:
In my head. And so when that happens, I instinctively just start to shrink up. So I instinctively, like, don’t post as much or really temper myself if I’m out and about and I feel like, oh, my God, you’re talking too much, I’ll shrink back and I’ll not share as much. Or if I feel like, with a friend, maybe I’ve said too much stuff, or I’m not. If I’m going through something or I have things I want to share with them, and I’m not asking enough about that. Like, it is this whole mind screwery, right? That’s not real. It’s not real. And maybe you have this, too.

Betsy [00:12:31]:
I mean, I think some people might call it anxiety, but I don’t feel anxious. I just feel overexposed. And so I have noticed that this has been happening, and I have had a lot of up levels in my life and my business. And over the past year, I’ve done a lot of really intensive work in order to be seen. Nervous system regulation. It’s the work I do with my clients so that they can take bold action and step forward. Right. So I’m doing that work myself, which is how I know that it creates a shift in what is comfortable for your nervous system.

Betsy [00:13:11]:
You know, when we talk about, like, you’re living outside your comfort zone, you know, you got to push outside your comfort zone. I always kind of hated that because I was like, I mean, I would always think, I’m fine outside my comfort zone. I’ll take risks. And in a lot of ways, that’s true. I’m totally fine with failure. And maybe you are, too, where you’re like, I don’t mind failing. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being a beginner.

Betsy [00:13:35]:
I am. I’m going to use the word hypersensitive, but maybe it’s just sensitive now. Perhaps that one time hypersensitive. Now sensitive. No, now aware. Now I’m aware. So I’ve gone from hypersensitive to sensitive to aware of how other people may be perceiving me. And, you know, when I was growing up, that was a really big thing.

Betsy [00:14:01]:
So much of how we act and respond in the world is formed. The patterns are formed. Our nervous system regulates to what was acceptable in our family unit, our family of origin. When we were young, you know, I worked with women, with their marriages, and so much of that is what we were modeled. Right. What feels comfortable, what. What’s right, what’s not right. Who we’re attracted to is so much about nervous system regulation.

Betsy [00:14:35]:
So, you know, so many times, people are like, oh, my God, I had the same boyfriend basically, over and over, and then I married him, and now I realize he’s my dad. Right. Like, acting the same way, because your nervous system was primed for that. So when I was growing up, my dad was super active in the community, like, loads of community service, and, you know, he was a school board member, and, you know what I mean, all of these things. And I was told a lot, and I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, but this is how it manifested for me. I was told often that behave, because how you act is a direct reflection on us, like, those exact words. I was told this so much that I had to filter myself and my behavior through what my parents wanted as opposed to who I was. Now my parents were real.

Betsy [00:15:36]:
Oh, my God. I just found a little bug on me. I swear to God, I’m gonna go burn my house down. Oh, my God, you guys. Okay, okay. So. So much of our nervous systems regulated to this idea, right, of who we’re supposed to be and what was acceptable and what would keep us in the good graces of the people that were in charge of us, right. Or overlording whoever our parents were.

Betsy [00:16:08]:
Right. And so I. And my parents were great parents. This is where I was. My parents were great parents. They were open and loving and they wanted me to explore who I was. And they were like, really great parents. And.

Betsy [00:16:23]:
And they cared very much what other people thought about them. And I learned that it’s not a bad thing, but it worked. This pattern of really watching what I did, I always, I mean, I. I didn’t get, I was not a trouble kid getting in trouble or even, like, having really good fun stories. I don’t have a lot of good fun stories because I didn’t do anything really outside the realm of what my parents would be able to know about because they know everybody. Everyone’s going to know, okay? So my nervous system is primed for that. Okay? It worked for me when I was a kid, and this is what happens. We have patterns that really work for us to adapt and to, you know, be successful in that environment.

Betsy [00:17:09]:
And so I was. I was successful in that environment. My parents liked me. All my kids, my friends parents liked me. Right? Do you know what I mean? Like, I didn’t. I mean, I’m sure I wasn’t perfect, but you get the idea. Okay, so now. Now, twelve years ago, I started business where you have to be able and to have an online presence or to really live a life that feels authentic.

Betsy [00:17:36]:
Take social media, take business out of it, to live a life that feels authentic, to have friends. Right. To actually find your people, you have to be able to show who you are. But I was finding, I was pushing it through this lens of, like, what’s acceptable. How much do I show? What’s the threshold for what people can take? And over the past seven months, as I have gotten a lot of feedback on Facebook and I did an episode, I don’t know, a month or six weeks ago, probably on the hate I get on Instagram, right? The hate on social media. I’ll tell you that if I were to do that episode today, it would be totally different from that episode to now. I have made a huge shift, a huge shift, because I went from being hypersensitive to being sensitive, which is when I did that episode, I was sensitive to. Now I just have an awareness.

Betsy [00:18:37]:
I’m aware if people might not like me. And I have come to, I want to say this. If you had asked me, like three years ago, are you okay? If people don’t like you, I would have been like, yeah, I’m me. Because it was really largely unconscious to me. The hate that I got on the Internet, I now see as this huge gift, a huge gift, because I never could have grappled with what that meant for me. If I hadn’t been receiving that. I could have gone forward and kept that pattern as a very unconscious pattern. And so being visible, being truly visible.

Betsy [00:19:21]:
And what I think. I mean, I’m sharing a kind of bit of a controversial opinion about marriages and about how I think from my experience and my professional training, what I think about all of that, it’s not always well received. A lot of people get really frustrated, and I decided that that was okay. I decided that if I really frustrated people or even made people mad because I was sharing something I truly felt was true and was coming from, like, a deep place in my heart of wanting to be helpful, then I was okay. Because they’re getting mad was just part of their process to coming into awareness of the truth, of their truth, whatever that is. And they can choose to believe part of my truth or not. We can have different truths. But I had to overcome a couple different things.

Betsy [00:20:24]:
One is the unconscious pattern that was happening, okay? Unconscious to me. I had to have either something really disruptive, or I had to have somebody pointed out, okay? The second thing I had to overcome was that my nervous system was regulated to that. So what does that mean? That means that acting in that way, having that hypersensitivity, is what made my nervous system feel even. So anything outside of that felt dysregulated. Felt like anxiety, right? Felt like, you know, unease, felt like unhappiness, felt like nerves, right? Felt like being overexposed, felt like too sensitive, right? So I had to. I had to repack pattern my nervous system so that the regulation came to the point where I could share what I wanted to share, right? So I had to decide what that was. I had to recognize the pattern, decide what it was. I wanted re pattern my nervous system to that and change my beliefs and mindset around it.

Betsy [00:21:35]:
So, you know, like I said, I have a belief now that that was the best thing that could have happened to me was the hate on the Internet, right? I mean, some of it was really hurtful at the time, but now I’m like, well, that’s fine, right? So it served me because I chose to see it a different way. Okay, so here’s the thing. This blueprint you can lay over anything in your life, right? You could lay it over your career, you could lay it over your relationship. You could lay that blueprint over being seen on the Internet, whatever that thing is for you, because we all have patterns that are unconscious. You know, this is the work that I do, at its essence, at its core, inside the navigate method with women who are trying to make these big decisions about their marriage. Like, how could I possibly create a good relationship on the Internet, right? I mean, we’re just going to put it back to this on the Internet and share what I wanted to share and feel aligned and be okay if somebody disagreed with me, right? If I didn’t do, if I didn’t know what the pattern was. So flip flop that over to relationships. How do you be okay being authentically, you showing up the way you want to show up, and being okay if someone has a different opinion than you, right? Your partner isn’t always going to, you guys aren’t always going to be aligned.

Betsy [00:23:12]:
But when you believe that it’s there, if they’re unhappy, that it’s something you have to manage. That’s what I was doing essentially, with people on the Internet. They didn’t agree with me. I was like, I have to manage this. I don’t, I can just let them go do their thing. It was like a thing where I was like, oh my gosh, I need to just take the blueprint for what I do in other areas and put it over this. And once I saw that pattern, you can’t unsee it. I mean, that’s the beautiful thing.

Betsy [00:23:40]:
I think it’s um, Wayne Dyer, right? Doctor Dyer, that says like once you the way to change something, I’m gonna screw it up. But you guys know it because you’re saying it in your head, you’re yelling at the, at your phone. When you change the way you see things, the things you see change, right? It’s something like that. So changing the way you see it, all of the sudden the thing changes. And the interesting thing, and I could do a whole episode on this is, I don’t get that much hate anymore. Like, I really don’t, I don’t know where all the, I don’t get it. Why don’t I get it? Well, I’m not in the vibration end of it anymore. I’m not calling it in, right? I’m not broadcasting fear of it.

Betsy [00:24:25]:
So it’s just not showing up, which is kind of fascinating, right? So there’s a way and a structure to overcome the things that are bogging you down, no matter what it is. And if it’s with your relationship, I’ve got that blueprint. I have a whole plan, if you want to learn about it. You can go to my website right at the top. There’s a link for a free masterclass. It’s like 20 minutes, 25 minutes, maybe. And I share with you kind of how I break this down and what the elements are that you really have to have if you want to create clarity in your life. And you know what? If you’re like, I have a great relationship, or I don’t have a relationship at all, and I don’t need that.

Betsy [00:25:11]:
You might still be interested in the masterclass because the blueprint’s the same, right? The overarching blueprint is the same. So I’m gonna go shower and get. Because I have one little bug on me. And I will see you next week. We’ll do it all again. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for listening. I love you guys so much.

Betsy [00:25:33]:
I’ll talk to you next week. Bye bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show, and thank you for sharing the show with your friends. I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me a review on iTunes. I know that it matters because when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to, like, figure out how to even make that happen.

Betsy [00:26:01]:
Now, if you want to find me, find me on social media. I’m usually on Instagram, starting out on TikTok. It’s just my name, Betsy Pake. And that’s my website, too, betsypake.com. and you can find out all about the work that I do, having me speak for an event that you might be helping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy institute. But to make it really easy, if you want me, just shoot me a DM. Shoot me a direct message on Instagram, and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening, and I will see you all next week.


Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs


*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.