Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: RSS
In this episode the big take away is, you don’t have to know exactly what you want to begin; clarity can start with “Not This.” Betsy explains that naming what you won’t tolerate draws a line, reveals vital self-information, and starts a practical rhythm of change where action creates clarity over time. Another reminder that we don’t have to have every detail figured out. There is power in knowing what you don’t want.
Transcript:
Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.
Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. Happy after the 4th. Last week was the Fourth of July week, you know, or before the Fourth of July, I guess, and I took several days off, which was actually , a really welcome rest. And I thought I was gonna take time off from work, but , get all these projects done, and I feel like I just was really depleted.
I ended up just resting and going where the g- going where the wind took me, . And yeah, just kind of allowing my body to get what it needed, and I feel so much better coming back this week. You know, I took time off in February when I went to Morocco, but that’s really the last time that I had off.
, I’ve gone away for weekends and stuff, but that time in Morocco was so hectic. So I feel like it’s been since Christmas since I’ve just been able to, like, you know, take a nap in the afternoon and chill out. Uh, there was one day where it started… It was a nice day, and then at, like, 2:00 in the afternoon, it started raining, and I was like, “Oh, that’s my cue.”
I just, like, stripped down and got in bed in the middle of the day. I was like, “This is perfect. This is exactly what I needed.” So I did get some things done, though, and one of the things that I have been working on is the retreat that we have at the end of this month, at the end of July, , in Belize. So we are going to Belize for the Reimagined Life Retreat, and I’m super excited about it.
I have been ordering the little things that I want for the gift bags and ordered a couple things for the first five people, got some special things in their gift bag. So I ordered those things. And when I got the order in the other day, I got it from a company called Huckberry, and , it’s, , one of those companies that sends like
You know, you get stuff, and it’s, , wrapped in tissue paper, and then there’s, a little note from the founders and, , a sticker. You know what I’m talking about? And I think it’s, , an outdoorsy company. I actually knew what it was I wanted, and I Googled it, and then I came upon this company, and so I ordered it.
And I got this little card inside, and I wanna read it to you because it really got me thinking, as I li- as I like to do. Find a random thing and then overthink it. Okay, so I’m gonna read to you what this little note says that they put inside all their packages. It’s from the two co-founders, and it says We were on a rickety chairlift in Tahoe when we decided to go for it.
Looking back, we didn’t know exactly what it was, but we knew what it wasn’t: staring at spreadsheets for the rest of our lives. We quit our jobs, invested 10K each, and vowed to bring Huckberry to life, no matter what it took. And what started as a small shop run out of our apartments has grown into something way bigger than us, a brand that is equal parts store and source of in- inspiration, helping guys like us suck the marrow out of life.
I don’t know. I didn’t even look at the rest of the website. Maybe it’s menswear. , But the bags that I got, I got on that site. So here’s… It is a source of inspiration because of this little card that I thought about for a long time. And I actually, , I saved it and put it on my kitchen counter, and I was like, “I’m gonna go back to that.”
You know, h- how often do we wait to know what we want before we move? Right? How often do we tell ourselves, “I am gonna really go for it when I know exactly what it looks like,” like, when I have it all mapped out, when everything in the plan is complete and I know exactly what all the steps will be? But these guys didn’t wait for a vision.
They waited for the knowing, and that knowing was of what they were not willing to do anymore. And that’s the part that I kept thinking about, because I think a lot of times we don’t know the path, but we do know not this. And I think that is a missing piece for so many of the women that I talk to, you know?
They’ll say, “I don’t know what it is that I want.” I hear that all the time, and I kind of hate that we’re supposed to know. I don’t know. I, I have said often when we do, , goal-setting stuff or inside the Navigate method, like, every year I’ll do, , a goal-setting workshop, and I always say, , we’re not setting…
At the beginning of the year, I, I just never go, like, five-year goals. I know there probably is some data on why that could be helpful to me. I just have no idea who I’m gonna be. I don’t even know who I’m gonna be next summer, you know? And I think wanting to have all the pieces in place and to feel a level of certainty about anything in our lives is really, really valid.
And I think knowing what you don’t want, not this, is actually a okay place to start because it is information about what you’re willing to tolerate, all the things. All the things. Okay. So when I think about what happens when someone is able to say, like in our groups, like someone is able to say… And I wanna say, like, well, you know, I’m, I’m framing this around relationship just ’cause this is what we’re talking about, but , it could be anything.
This could be your work, your, you know, , your career, the way things are going. Maybe you’re in a career that you’re like, “I don’t even know what it is that I want, but it’s not this.” Oh, like, just being able to say that and have the relief, feel the relief of that acknowledgement is huge. I don’t know what I want, but it’s not this.
It’s not what I have right now. And that is not vague talking. That’s not, , wishy-washy. That can actually be a statement of fact. You know, when you say that, when you actually say it and mean it, you are telling yourself something that’s true. And whether it is intentional or not, you’re drawing a line.
And , that moment, you know, that you draw the line, you get a next level of information about yourself. And, , I know I talk a lot on here about, like, how our brains work and how we process information. And I know that our unconscious minds love metaphor. That’s why I tell so many stories on here.
But I think that when we are trying to get someplace other than where we are, but we don’t acknowledge where we are, it would be like if you got in your car and you set your GPS, but you, it, but your GPS had no idea where you were starting from. , You’d never be able to figure out how to get, even if you knew you were going to Target, if your GPS didn’t know inherently where you were, it would be very confusing and really challenging to get where you wanted to go.
And I think a lot of us think, “I have to have the entire picture before I can make any kind of move.” And I think that we think that we need to know what every step is going to feel like and look like and, and what will happen. But the truth is, the very first part of that is just knowing not this. Not this.
Because I think that’s actually how any change begins. You know, life isn’t exactly the way that we want it, right? Life isn’t you know exactly what you want, and you go out and you get it, and then you’re done, and it’s a clear trajectory, and you are making all the next steps and the next right steps and the next right steps, and things fall in line, and people come into your awareness that make it all happen with ease and flow.
I mean, that would be so freaking co- uh, sign me up for that. That’s where I’m going. That’s where, that’s where I’m going. But what life actually is, is you know what you don’t want Like that’s how it starts. You make a decision based on that, and then you move just a little bit. And as you move, things start to become clearer, right?
You push down that road for a little while. You, you rest for a little while, and then you adjust, and then you push again. It’s like a rhythm, you know? It’s not just like a straight line. And, you know, I think the Huckberry guys here didn’t know what their company would become. They just knew that they weren’t gonna spend the next 40 years, of, of their life in a, in an office watching spreadsheets.
And so they went, right? They just went, and in the going, it is in the doing, it is in the showing up day after day that they figured out what it was. And I, , I’m willing to bet the site that I didn’t even look at, I just bought the one, the one thing that I wanted from their website. I am willing to bet that things will look different in five years than they do now, in 10 years than they do now.
Maybe they’ll sell the company. Maybe they’ll be done. Maybe someday they’ll look at this and go, “Not this.” Because that’s just how life works, you know? And so here’s kind of what I want, where I wanna go with this. I wanna offer you the idea that you don’t have to know what you want yet, but I want you to know what you don’t want.
I want you to get really clear on that, on the thing that you are not willing to do anymore. Like , on the way of being that you know just doesn’t fit, you know? On the pieces of your life that feel too small or too quiet or, or there’s pieces of you that are disappearing, and you’re like, “I’m not gonna do that anymore.”
And I think that clarity is actually enough to begin. And I think when we acknowledge it, like when we say it out loud , or decide this thing for ourselves, we say, “I don’t know what I want, but I know it’s not this,” I do think it’s like making a vow to yourself. It’s not a vow that what comes next has to be exactly perfect, but it is a vow that you are not gonna keep abandoning yourself where you are.
Not in your relationship, not in your work, not in your friendship, not in your health, , not anywhere. And the vow is to stop making yourself smaller to fit into a life that was never built for who you actually are. I think that becomes the work. I think that is always the work. How do I keep choosing myself even through life, even through challenges, not knowing what comes after, but the permission starts with not this.
And if you’re listening and you have been waiting for the perfect answer or the perfect plan or the perfect moment when you’re gonna know exactly how it’s gonna go or what it is that you really want, I wanna offer you some permission to stop waiting. Just start there, and start with that line that you draw for yourself, ’cause that can be enough.
And I think when you can do that, that is how you live a big life. All right, everyone. If you have been struggling in deciding whether to stay or go in your marriage, you know, you’re always welcome to talk with us about the Navigate method. You can find the link to book a call on my website at betsypake.com or just message me on Instagram.
I’ll send you the link. We can talk, see if it’s a good fit, if we’ll be able to help you, and then, you know, you can say, “Not this, but this is what’s next.” All right. Have an amazing week. I will see you guys next week. I love you so much. Bye.
Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today.
You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
