124: What is your identity & does it serve you - Betsy Pake

124: What is your identity & does it serve you


Episode 124:


You’re listening to Episode 124 of The Art of Living big. This week is an exciting week because this week marks the two year anniversary since the art of living big began. So we started September 20, was the very first episode that came out back in 2016. And it has been so fun doing this podcast, it has carried me through a lot of times that we’re trying a lot of fun times, it’s been really fun to bring all kinds of stuff to you. And I’m excited to keep going and see what else evolves.

So as I was looking,

like over the last two years, like a lot of podcasters, the very first episode that I did was sort of like a recap of where I’ve been and how I got to this point where I was beginning the podcast. And it’s funny, because I listened to it, as I was prepping for this particular episode. And which, by the way, listening to episode, it’s so cringy. For me, I don’t like to listen. But that episode, especially if you listen to it, it’s it’s good. It’s got music, it kind of makes you feel something. But it’s funny how our perceptions and our memories change based on the experiences that we had. And so if I were to do that episode today, it would not be in the same way. I don’t even know that I see things exactly the same as I did on that episode. But here we are, it has it started me off on this path. And what has been really interesting over the past couple years is you know, in the beginning, I started really doing a lot of interviews and all different kinds of interviews, I mean, business interviews, interviews, just things that I was interested in that particular week. And then around Episode 50 ish, I decided that there was more stuff that I wanted to share. And I had started the podcast originally because I had things that I wanted to get out, right that I wanted to share with people and things that I had learned that I wanted to teach. And so that’s sort of when

things transitioned. And

I was like, Okay, I’m gonna, I’m gonna go ahead and teach and do my thing, and not sort of hide behind interviews with other people. And that might be kind of a weird way to explain it. But I feel like that’s sort of how it started for me was I wanted to do the podcast, but it was scary to put yourself out there. Anyway, the past two years has been such an evolution. And so today, on the show, I want to talk about who you really are, and how you view yourself. And maybe this will become a series because I think that there’s a lot to investigate about you, and about how you see the world, and about how that reflects in your outside environment. And everything that you experience, from your relationships, to your wallet, to your fitness, and everything in between. So let’s get started. Let’s go to the show. Welcome to the art of living big. I’m your host, Betsy Pake. And this podcast is

designed to share

interviews and new ideas to help you redefine what could be possible for your

life. Now,

let’s go live big. Hey, everybody, welcome to the show. So let me ask you, did you run your 10 miles this morning? Did you get your 10 miles in? I have a friend on Facebook that I grew up with. I went to high school with him. And he has always been a runner. In fact, I think his whole family was runners. And now I see him on Facebook. I live in Atlanta, and he i think is still in New England somewhere. And I noticed that his wife is a runner and his kids are runners too. And I just I don’t mean like he goes for a jog. I mean, like he’s running like marathons every weekend kind of runner. Right? You know, the type. He’s a runner, he probably got his 10 miles in this morning. I did not because I’m not a runner. So let me ask you, when I asked you that, did you get your 10 miles in this morning? If you thought yeah, I did, then you probably identify yourself as a runner. Until you are.

I didn’t run this morning.

So I’m not really a runner. I also didn’t smoke this morning because I’m not a smoker. And I am a mom. And so I brought my kids to school. I’m a coffee drinker and I had some coffee. Now the way that we define ourselves the way that we identify, it influences what we do. It influences the decisions that we make. And so I want to talk today about who you really think you are. And if you’d like to do something

that you’re not,

how can you begin to change your identity to support you. So here’s the thing. You know, I love of the subconscious. And I love talking all about that. When we make changes, typically, and you may have heard me talk about this before on the show, but when we make changes, typically what do we do? We go, well, let’s take the running thing, for example, like

I want to be a runner,

I want to get my 10 miles in this morning. So what do I do? I might like get some new running shoes, right? And maybe some, like running shorts. If it’s hot out, maybe I get some glide for my chub rub, right thinking about myself here. So I do certain things to prepare, right? I do certain things so that I’m ready. And maybe if I live in a cold environment, maybe I get a treadmill. So now I’m actually creating an environment that will help me create the identity that I want. Now, here’s the problem. And if you have ever had a new year’s resolution, then this might resonate with you. Most people start their new year’s resolutions, and what happens, like they start off strong, like they start off, and I’ve done it myself, right? I mean, I am strong, I’m ready, I know, I have a plan, I have all of the environment ready to support me, my head is in the right place, so that I know I can change my behavior. And I’m ready,

right. But then what happens,

but most people by January 20, studies show that they have totally fallen off the wagon. And it sucks, it’s not because you don’t have willpower. It’s just because you’re working from the wrong end of the spectrum. And so I want to talk about that spectrum today. So here’s the thing is that when we change our environment, or our behavior,

it’s a conscious sort of change.

And we’ve talked on the show before about our consciousness, and what is our consciousness, it’s 5%. And I have read some things that say even less than that, of who we really are. So we think we are the thing right now that is listening to me or, or driving your car or thinking or making judgments and evaluations of things. But there is a whole other part of you that is running underneath that you don’t even that you’re not even aware of. And it’s your subconscious or your unconscious. So you’ve got this sort of program that’s running, here’s the thing is like, as you’re looking around the world today, as you’re going throughout your day, and especially when you were a kid,

you were going around, and you were soaking up information. So my consciousness can only absorb a certain number of bits, 126 bits per second of information, but my unconscious, that can soak up a million bits. And I’ve seen other things that say like 4 million bits, it depends how you’re dividing your bits, but just go with me here to understand the difference. So my unconscious is absorbing tons of things around me that I do not consciously notice. But my unconscious notices. So when I’m trying to make changes in my life, and I go and I change my behavior and in my environment, and those are all conscious things, what’s happening when I’m not consciously thinking about those things, so I get a new year’s resolution, I’m going to be a runner, I get all the gear and I get this stuff, and I get motivated, and I get excited. And I even have a plan. But what happens is that there are levels that are above that, that start to dive into your unconscious. And it’s things like your values and your belief systems.

And more than anything at all your identity.

So what do you say after you say I am,

I am not a runner, but I’m trying to be.

So whatever you truly identify with

that the unconscious programming that’s running. So okay, so let’s back up for just a second. So we’ve got these ideas of things that we want to have in our lives. And we know how to make environmental and behavioral changes, but most of the time, it just doesn’t stick. So we know that there’s some sort of unconscious programming running, right, because if I look around my life, and it’s not exactly as I want, then there must be something unconscious that I’m doing to create that. So now I know that I have to jump to the unconscious part of me, that is like my values and beliefs, and most of all my identity. So your identity, it controls your life

to what you think you want does not even matter. It doesn’t matter that you want to make a million dollars, it doesn’t matter that you want to lose 20 pounds, it does not matter which would be the total wrong way to say that but that’s another show. Maybe I’ll do that in this little series. But it doesn’t matter that you want to be a runner, none of that matters. So what you become is what you are as a subconscious identity. And your identity is really like your self image. So how do we actually create this? How do I get my identity? Like, how do I even have this identity that I might not even totally be aware of. So when we’re born, we immediately begin to experience things about the world. Remember, my subconscious is totally open and absorbing. When I’m little, when I’m born to the time I’m around seven, I’m absorbing everything. I’m like a big, huge video recorder, and I’m absorbing everything. And not only am I absorbing everything that I’m seeing, but I’m also interpreting it. And I’m interpreting it based on other things that have already happened that I have experienced. So I’m experiencing things, I’m soaking it in, I’m taking it in, I’m starting to interpret it, and I’m starting to place a meaning on it. And then that meaning is beginning to create my beliefs. So here’s what happens is I have stories from these beliefs. And that starts to create my identity. So if you were unfortunate enough to have a parent who always said like, you’re not very smart, or you’re never going to be able to do that, or, you know, I’m a loser. And so you’re going to be a loser like that will be very ingrained programming and probably difficult for you to move past even if consciously, you think differently. Now, if you think about people that win the lottery, they have been typically in there, they’re typically not already millionaires, right? Would can we agree on that, like, if you win the lottery, chances are you’re not already a millionaire. So your consciousness, your wealth, consciousness is different from somebody who is a millionaire, right? So if I am making $50,000 a year, and I buy a lottery ticket, my wealth consciousness is different from someone who makes a million dollars a year, right? My identity is different. I buy the lottery ticket, and I win, what happens? What happens to like 95% of all people that win the lottery is that they lose it and they’re bankrupt within like two years. So why would that be? And it’s because it’s not about the environment. And it’s not about anything conscious. It is about their unconscious beliefs about who they are and what their identity is. And their identity is that they’re a person that doesn’t have a million dollars, their identity might be that they’re broke, or their identity might be that they aren’t a saver or that they they are like always in debt. Now, here’s the thing about your brain and your subconscious is that it really likes to have things that are predictable. That’s what it it yearns for predictability, which is why when you go to do something new, it makes you feel anxious, or it makes you like, not want to do the thing. You want to stay in your comfort zone. It really likes predictability. So what happens when I’m a $50,000, a year earner, and I win a lottery. It’s unpredicted that is new that is unpredictable. And my brain goes, No, no, no, I need to get back to where I feel really comfortable. And it will do whatever it needs to do to help you get rid of that. So you get back to feeling comfortable. So see, we’re always succeeding, we’re always doing well, because we’re doing exactly what our subconscious wants us to do, which is get rid of that money. So you might look at that and go, Wow, that was a failure, that they lost all that money. But really, it was a complete success, because that’s exactly what their brain wanted to do to keep them safe. So how do we shift out of this, right? How do we change that mindset and change that identity? One of the things I talk about when I work with my clients is I want to have a transformation. So I’m not just helping somebody work through a problem. Like I want to have a transformation and the transformation means

changing at the

identity level. It’s it’s totally changing from the inside out. So it’s not just a little bit different. It’s like a lot different in that you see the world a lot different.

I listened to somebody the other day and they said

I can’t remember who it was now. Maybe it’ll come to me but they said motivational speakers keep you trapped. And it that resonated so true with me because I might go and see a motivational speaker or you might listen to a video on Instagram or you might hear something that makes you go Yes. Yes. So motivational, so excited. Like I can do it. But what happens immediately after is that then the, the words are gone and the sound of it is out of your head. And then you’ve gone back to being who you really are, which has not ever been changed at all. So although I see value in getting some rah rah like that can feel really good. And that can help to start unearth you or get you to the point where you want to explore something different. I think that people that are motivational speakers or coaches that are just raw, raw and not changing your identity are missing the boat. So that would be one thing, if you’re looking for a coach, find somebody who wants to work and change who you really think you are. So here’s how we’re going to start. First of all, you really need to understand who you are. And you need to understand how the stories that you tell yourself sort of work into that we’re going to talk about stories, I think on another episode, but let’s get into who you really think you are and what your identity is, I think the best way to do this is to get yourself like a little notepad, or you know, decide to jot things down inside the Notes app on your phone throughout the day. And I want you to just start becoming aware, every change you want to make, it always comes down to awareness. So become aware of the things that you are seeing in your life. So start to become aware if you are getting angry in a meeting, or you find that that’s a pattern that you never get along with your co workers. Or if you really love your spouse, and you find that when you come home, you’re super excited to see them. That’s a pattern too. So your patterns can be good, your all of your patterns don’t have to be bad. But just start to notice, notice the things that you are really seeing in your life. Now, once you start to notice, like this thing always happens in my life, like I always will, you know, I’ll always like I have an idea I want to work out but then when I actually go to workout, I dread it or I just don’t feel like it right. So that’s a big one people say they just don’t feel like it, or I don’t really enjoy working out now is somebody that is an athlete do they enjoy working out, like most likely, right, because that’s why they’re an athlete because they enjoy it. So there is another way of being. So start to notice all the little things that you do and have in your life. And that’s how you can start to notice what it is you’re telling yourself that you truly are. So you can start with things like I know that I am a mom and a wife. You know, I’m a business owner, I’m a coach, right? So all of those things can be part of your identity. Notice the things you really like to do. So what are the things I really love, I love my dogs. So that’s I’m a, I am an animal lover,

that’s who I am.

start to notice the things that make you different from other people. So I think I have a pretty clear way of communicating. So that’s somebody I am is a pretty good communicator. Notice the things that are like special and unique to you. So maybe you are a really good artist. Or maybe you’re like amazing at crafting a wonderful marketing slogan, or whatever it is, think about the things that are unique to you. And that can help you start to understand see your world and understand who you really are. So if you had the words I am really what we’re trying to get to is what you would be saying after that. Now another clue that you can look for is some of the metaphors that you use throughout the day. So your subconscious, speaks in pictures, right speaks in pictures and emotions. And it really likes metaphors. Now, when you were young, you probably got a lot of belief systems that were implanted by the use of metaphors. Money doesn’t grow on trees, you have to work really hard. If you want to get ahead, you got to be focused, like what were the things that you heard? And so start to notice, where the metaphors are that you have in your life, the things that kind of come up the kind of like cliche is right the things that you say, because those are all clues and tapping into who it is you really think that you are. If you think about, like Muhammad Ali, right? What did he say I’m the greatest fighter that ever lived, right? Guess who he was. And so that is who he became. That’s what he thought. In fact, he talked about that long before he ever won some of the biggest fights of his life. He talked about how he was the greatest, I’m the greatest. So what are the metaphors start to notice. So here’s going to be your first assignment is to start to become aware, become aware of the things you’re saying to yourself, how you view yourself, how, what the metaphors are that you use to describe your life throughout the day. Now, once you have all those, be really honest with yourself and this is where it can be really helpful to have a coach or a friend that you trust to kind of go through this with you and hold you accountable because part of what our brains wants to do is keep you right where you are, right? Because it’s predictable and it’s safe. And so sometimes it’s hard to actually see the thing. You might look at it, you’re like, I don’t really see how that’s keeping me. It’s because your brain doesn’t want you to it’s like, oh, no, oh, no, no, no, we’re not gonna change, right? unsafe, unsafe. So once you have that list, and you’ve had somebody kind of help you kind of unearth some of that, and you have a clear vision of what your subconscious is really playing in the background. Now, what we need to do is we need to shift right because I want to become this new thing, I want to become somebody different, I want to accomplish new things and change. So what I need to do now is get really clear on who it is I really want to become. So what are the what are the characteristics and the traits of somebody that is who you want to be?

Now, this can be

like sort of a weird thing because it’s not that you’re trying to become like if I want to be like, I love NLP, right. So if I want to be amazing NLP coach and a speaker, that’s what Tony Robbins does to that’s NLP is what he uses. Right? So I and I use him as an example because everybody kind of knows who Tony Robbins is. I don’t necessarily want to be Tony Robbins. But if Tony Robbins and Wayne Dyer had a baby, that’s who I would want to be so. But when I think about Tony Robbins, like what are the things that he thinks about himself, so that can be helpful for me to kind of have somebody to look towards and say, What does he think about himself? Like, if he were to come and do a podcast? He wouldn’t

go? Uh huh. I wonder if I could do it?

Like, no, heck, no, he grabbed the microphone and go right, he’d probably be able to talk for hours and hours and hours and hours. So what are the characteristics of the person that you’d like to have to be? So if I would like to be an amazing speaker? What does an amazing speaker do? Well, they are super clear about their message. They, you know, they’re not afraid to pitch themselves. They’re really plugged in and networked, probably so they can communicate with people and understand what speaking gigs are coming up. They know who their audience is. Right? So do you see all the things? So now, now that I know those things? How do I begin to make those things me? How do I become the person who is that? So? Like, when I talked in the very beginning? Am I the kind of person that ran 10 miles this morning? No. And that’s not really one of my goals. The you know, I live on bottom of a hill, y’all. So ain’t running so. So. But what could I do to become the kind of person that I do want to become like, how does that actually work? So here’s the thing, I got it, I know who I am. I know what all my metaphors are. And I know where I’m coming from, that’s so important to do first, then I’m going to have a list of all the things that I do want to become, and what those people think.

So how do they think,

what are the actions that those people take that I want to adopt? Now, remember, in the past, all of your stories have been subconscious. But now you’ve unearthed them, and you’ve made them conscious. Once you’ve made them conscious, you can begin to change them. So now you have two things, you have this huge list and you also have a list of who you are, and you have a list of where you want to be, we’re going to start to move, I want you to do this first. And then in our next episode, we’re going to start to move from where you are to where you want to be. Now, there are some ways that we can do this that are much more efficient than other ways. But I want to be able to dedicate an entire episode to that. So get this part set first, and start just thinking about that when just thinking about what it is you would be doing can make a difference. Here’s an action item you can take before next episode, so you can start to feel like you’re moving forward. So I have an idea and a whole vision of what somebody does every single day, how they act, what they think about what how they dress, how they sit in their chair, how they interact with people, if they are a high multi six figure business owner. So if somebody is a coach like me,

and they make, I don’t know, $30,000 a year.

What is the difference between that and somebody that makes a multi six figure business? It’s totally different, right? Like inherently you just know that is different. So part of your lesson for this week and your homework is to get really clear about where you are and get really clear about where you want to go. So for me where that multi six figure business owner, what does that coach do? And then what I did is I have a little card that is taped To my computer, and it says, What would the version of Betsy Pake with a multi six figure business be doing right now, it’s a reminder, I already know I have another list with all of the things that they do. This is a reminder to do it. So that can be a one step, we’re gonna get into it a little bit deeper next episode. But that can be one step that you can start to take to create a reminder, the other thing you can do is set timers on your phone set timers, so that they go off and remind you are you acting like that person, I’ll guarantee you, if anything, it will give you awareness because I guarantee you’re not acting like that person, because otherwise you’d be that person. Right? So this can start to help you move towards that. So to get started, we got to get clear on where we are, get clear on where we want to go, who we want to be, what it looks like, what the actions are, and then we can begin to move in that direction. Now. I do this in depth with people inside my No Limits program. And we are just finishing our fourth week. And it’s been really, really fun. And I do it live. So like live on the computer so people have access to me if they have questions. I would love if you’re interested in this at all, and you want to be on the mailing list for that you can go to my website, which is Betsy Pake comm backslash, no limits. But you know what you can just get on my mailing list if you want to text. If you if you live in the US, you can text the word, live big, just one word live big, you can text it to 444999. And if you text that, it’ll auto respond and put you on my mailing list. That way you’ll get notification when we go live with no limits. I already have some ideas on how we’re going to improve and expand upon it. I think that it’s been really impactful. And one of the things that I’ve heard from people is that it is information they have never ever heard before, which thrills me. So I’m super excited. And I’m excited to share that with more of you if this kind of work interests you. So, thank you so much for listening to today’s episode. If it was helpful to you, please take a screenshot of this. tag me on your Instagram stories or share it with a friend. That is how word gets out. And that is how the show begins to be shared here on our two year anniversary. So thanks so much for listening. And

as always, here’s a little message from my husband.

That’s it.


Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs


*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.