111: Consciously Creating Self Confidence - Betsy Pake

111: Consciously Creating Self Confidence

arrowdown-black
Hello
PODCAST

On today’s episode, I talk about why it’s important to celebrate the little things in life, how to begin to shift your attention to those little things and how it creates a more impactful life.

You can create a life you want, but not if you don’t believe it’s possible for you. Let’s change that.

If you are interested in reading the essay I read The Universe doesn’t give a flying Fuck about you, CLICK HERE

Thanks for listening and continuing to Live Big!

Transcript:

Welcome to the art of living day. I’m your host, Betsy Pake, and this podcast is designed to share interviews and new ideas to help you redefine what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Hey, everyone, welcome to this show. I wanted to talk

to you today about

consciously creating your self confidence. A few weeks ago, a little essay flowed into my life called the universe doesn’t give a flying f about you. And I read it. And it was so interesting to me, when I read it, I was like, Oh, my gosh, the whole idea was really, that we are just specs,

right? And we’ve talked before on the show, I mean, quite often in all the episodes about the law of attraction, so the universe doesn’t care. If you’re really happy, it doesn’t care if you’re really sad, it only cares about what you’re giving it. And so there isn’t any big thing working against you, or there’s nothing that’s going to come down and punish you for trying something new. And the whole idea behind the article was like, why are you trying epic stuff like you’re here for like a blip? Like, in many respects, the time you’re here, it doesn’t even matter. So why are you holding back? Why are you not living like this really big life that you are destined? and totally, that’s available to you to live? And so I read it, and I kept thinking about it. And I was like, Ah, you know, there have been times in my life just like all of us where I’ve taken more risks, or I’ve tried, you know, bigger things, or different kinds of things than I had before.

And

I feel like recently, I’ve kind of just stayed with the thing I know, right? I do the show, and I have my coaching clients and, and that’s all really great. I have a lot of things happening in my life. And so that’s sort of been, you know, that’s been working for me and been making me happy. But really, when I thought when I read that article, and I thought about really what my goals are and what my big picture would be, I was like, Wow, my big picture is like that. It’s so different from how I’m acting right now. And so as always, with things like this, I got like down the rabbit hole, and really thinking about it. And I wanted to share with you some, some a different way to look at this and some actual actual action steps that could help you. So if you want to try this, if you’re having that feeling, too, as I’m saying it like, Oh, I do that too. Like I only take the risks to the certain edge of where I’ve taken risks before. And so

I started to ask myself,

like, okay, so if I were to do something, like right now, if somebody said, Betsy, you can do this thing right now, not like in 20 years, I want to be this. But I mean, like right now, what would you do? What would be an epic thing right now? And I’m going to tell you what my epic thing is, even though then you’re going to go are you going to do that? And I am going to do it. I am not exactly sure when but I am. And so I’ve already started taking some little actions on it. But here’s what came up for me is the times where I haven’t been able to impact somebody else have been the times where I have felt most fulfilled. And earlier in the year, we did an episode on on beauty and how we as a community, helped to sponsor a little girl in Uganda to get her clubfoot fixed. And I talked all about that in that episode. But really, that was about impacting somebody’s life forever. If you’re in a third world country, and you have clubfeet, your life looks a whole lot different than if you’re in a third world country, and you don’t have club feet. So the fact that I was able to impact that kid and so I started doing my live in give where I give 10% back to all from all my coaching programs to different things. It depends on what it is. But I just remember when I did that, it, it felt so different. It felt so good to me. And so if my epic moment, what would I do right now, one of the things I find is really impactful to people and if I want to impact people, is that getting out of your current situation. So many times we’re in this like, our current life everyday, our day to day life is can be overwhelming. And if we really want to take a step back and look at things and be introspective and understand how to change things in our life, or how to move forward in a different way or how to see things totally different than we have before. I think it’s really helpful to get out of our everyday life. So I think it’s really helpful to retreat and to be able to go away and, you know, many times people will go on a vacation maybe once a year, they’ll go somewhere on vacation. And, you know, they’ll lay on the beach. I mean, this is what I’ve done, lay on the beach, read books, you know, drink some pina coladas. I think that’s all really great. But what If you got away to actually work on yourself, like where you were actually spending time being taught something new, and having somebody help you get into your subconscious beliefs and help you learn new skills to be able to handle that. And so the whole retreat aspect of impacting people really, really felt like a good idea to me that felt like something epic. So when I was thinking of I read this article, I was thinking about what’s my epic thing, my epic thing would be to take people out of their everyday life, right, and bring them to a place where they impact somebody else. So thinking about my time, helping that little girl in Uganda, and how that impacted me, so taking you out of your regular life, bringing you someplace where you, you, and I’m talking, I’m brainstorming, as I’m talking to you, but like, where you go and visit elderly people that, you know, have been abandoned, or you work with kids in an orphanage, or you help somebody build a well, whatever that is. And then from there, you leave, and you go to a location that is inspires beauty. And you get a whole new perspective

on

life and your world. And then you have somebody walk you through exercises and a retreat aspect for yourself. So one day in medic meditation, I don’t know, maybe four months ago, three months ago, I heard, get the URL to consciousness retreats, calm, which I felt was really crazy, because consciousness retreats seems like something that would be taken. And right around that time, I had been talking to a friend about a retreat and helping her find a name, and any name that you could find that was retreat was, was taken or was like $20,000, right? So I had this thing in my meditation consciousness retreats. And so I just went, and I tried to buy it, and I bought it for 11 bucks, I was shocked it was available and that I could buy it. But I didn’t know what it meant yet. And so I’ve just hung on to it. And I thought, well, it’ll come to me at some point. And so as I read this little essay about the universe doesn’t give a flying f about you, I started to think, what would feel really expansive for me. And it would be to build consciousness retreats, where people get away, they have a chance to give back to somebody else, get a new perspective on life in the world, and then come together and learn in a beautiful location about themselves and how to better change things. I believe that the growth really happens not in the business, but it happens in the gaps. And so being able to create this gap in somebody’s life. I mean, it almost makes me want to cry. Like that would be amazing. Sounds amazing, right? So I asked myself, like, why aren’t I doing that? Like, what is that. And you know, I’ve talked about on the show before about how our brains are actually designed for fear, like they’re designed to be constantly scanning and looking for things that are going to hurt us or harm us or cause us not to survive. And that really was helpful when we were cavemen or in the wild, and we had to be able to, you know, hear a twig snap and know that that could be a lion and run for safety. The adrenaline of that was helpful to us to be able to stay alive. But right now, we don’t have those things. We don’t have a tiger running after us. And so our brain still has that desire to create this fear. And so I believe that this fear just gets attached to things that really shouldn’t be that scary. And it did for me, so things that really shouldn’t be that out of the ordinary, or that insane feeling, end up feeling really, really scary. And you know, I think the media supports that. And so now we get we’re, all of the sudden, the confines of our fear to try new things gets re brought really in close to us. So anything that pushes the boundary of what we normally do on a day to day basis, is triggered and feels like fearful and scary. And I don’t know if that would work. And when I think about when I thought about those retreats, like why aren’t I doing that? And I was like, well, it’s a time thing. Do I have like, an audience that would really participate in that? You know, I started thinking of all these things, but all of the things I thought about weren’t really things I would know the answers to, unless I tried it. Right. So I was like, wow, like, I’m so afraid of even finding out the answer that I don’t even want to try it. But really what I want, what I should want is new problems. What if I set up this whole retreat, and nobody joined? That would be a totally new problem than I have right now. Which is like I just have ideas and I’m not doing anything and that feels stifling. And

small and sad. And so really what I want is new problems. Because when I have new problems, that’s when I know that I’m expanding and growing, we’re always going to have problems. But when I can get new problems, ooh, like that feels different. And that makes my brain work in a totally different way. And that makes things come to me and makes me have new experiences, which is really what I want. Because in the core essence of who I believe we are, is growth seeking beings. And if we are seeking growth, then we’re going to fail. So think about what kind of epic big thing would you do now? Okay, get it in your mind. And here’s the next thing I want to ask you. Can you tell me one success you’ve had this morning? This might be really hard for you. Now, you might be thinking like, well, I’m just driving to work. Like, I haven’t even had a chance to have anything happen. But no, you’ve already had tons of successes. not want me to help you. Alright, let me just tell you some that may be true for you, you might have gotten up on time, that’s a success, you may have gotten ready today, maybe you’re having a good hair day, you have brushed your teeth without jamming the tooth breath in your gums. Have you ever done that where you’ve jammed the toothbrush in your gums? Now, if you had done that this morning, I bet you, when I asked you to think about your morning, you would have thought about that,

I bet you would have thought like,

dammit, I jammed that toothbrush in my gums. Because you’re so focused on the negative, it’s not your fault. It’s how your brain is designed. But what we want to do is we want to design it to think in a totally new way. We want to design your brain so that you’re constantly pointing out and noticing all the really good things. Now, here’s why this is really important. Let’s say that you and I sat down to play poker. I don’t know how to play poker. But let’s say we sat down to play poker, and I had 500 poker chips, and you had 40

poker chips,

which one of us is going to be riskier?

Which one of us is going to play all out, which one of us is going to take more risks, which one of us is going to be able to afford more losses, which one of us is going to want to keep playing me, because I’ve got more poker chips. And so this is a really big deal how your brain is pointing out good things and bad things to you because of your self esteem, because of your self confidence. Now research shows over and over and over again, the research shows that the more you can celebrate success, and just just simply acknowledge it, the more confident you become. So the more you risk, the more you can win. Right, if you think of a basketball player who has the ability, or the option to take 75 shots in a game, compared to a basketball player that can only take five shots in a game, who’s gonna make more baskets, typically the one who has more chances.

So if you’re playing small,

you’re not going to try anything epic, because your brains wired to keep you really small. So just you’ve got to consciously break out of this, you got to consciously take steps to start to think different. So I’m going to give you some ways you can start to work on this, that’ll be really easy, and maybe even fun, and can start to shift things for you so that you start playing in a bigger way. You may have heard me talk on the show before about Louise Hay and her mirror exercise. So her whole thing is, you know, every night you you step up to the mirror and you look in the mirror and you say I love you, and you do it for 100 days. And I’ve done this before it feels super uncomfortable and weird. And then after a while it becomes like kind of transforming and much different. I’m in a Facebook group where we were talking about that very thing the other day, and it made me think I need to do that. Again. I haven’t done that in a long time. And I think there’s something really powerful about looking into your own eyes. So you’re looking in the mirror and look into your own eyes. But here’s my spin on it. Now. I look into the mirror at the end of the day, I’m brushing my teeth, right, so I finished. Maybe I put a post it note on the mirror. So I remember to do this. And I say three things I’ve done that have been really great. For my day, what are three things I did really great. Now many times we our lives are just regular, right? So we’re just going through the regular things. So it may be where you look in the mirror and you think like I haven’t done anything like today was just a typical ordinary day. But I promise you, there’s things you do that are typical and ordinary to you, that wouldn’t be to somebody else. And that is really great. And so think about three things that you could tell yourself you did today that were great. And then Tell yourself, I love you, and hang out for a second looking in your eyeballs. The first few times you do this, you guys, it’s gonna feel really uncomfortable and sort of embarrassing. Like, I remember when I did it before, I just didn’t want my husband to walk in and see me. But think about how, think about that I didn’t want him to know that I loved myself. Right. But really, that’s all about building yourself confidence. And when you build yourself confidence, you take bigger risks, and you have more growth, and you have more experiences, and more fun, right?

So that’s one thing you can try, then the next reason that I want to talk about is about completing things. Now, whenever we work on some big project at work, right, and so then you hand in the big project at work, and your boss doesn’t say a thing. Like, what do you think you’re like, I can’t believe I just did this huge project. Like he didn’t even acknowledge it, or she didn’t even say it was good. And it can feel really empty or like the circle has not been closed. Or think about if you give somebody you love a gift, and they open it up, and they seem happy, and they do whatever with it, but they never say thank you. It’s not that you need Thank you, it’s that you need the circle closed, you just need acknowledgement. So our brains are like that, too. It really just wants acknowledgement, and it wants the circle closed, it takes up space in your mind when you don’t close the circle. And so it wants to complete the cycle to free up the space to think about some areas of your life where maybe you’ve left something undone where you haven’t closed the circle, you haven’t acknowledged that you did the thing. You know, sometimes I’ll record the podcast, and I’ll put it all together and I’ll send it out. And I won’t ever stop to think, Hey, I think that was really good. I hope that helps people. And I feel good that even if it doesn’t help everybody that listens, that I knew I wanted to do this podcast on this subject, and I did it. And I feel good about that. Literally that could take like two seconds to close the gap to finish out and close the circle of the task that I did. Or maybe you finished the lawn. And so you clean up the lawn and you plant new flowers or whatever it is you do. And when you’re done, you just stop for just a second and soak it in. You look at it and you say, Ah, that’s a job well done. Right? How hard could it be to just say that, huh, that’s a job well done. I think that that could make a huge impact. Because what’s happening is that even though it seems kind of silly on the surface, it starts to train your unconscious, that doing things and taking risks or noticing that you can be successful is so important. And it feels really good. And so then it reinforces the brain’s need and desire to keep trying new things because you think I succeed all the time. Imagine that if your brain immediately defaulted to you succeed all the time. So So let’s go back to my whole idea about the consciousness retreats. So let’s, let’s fast forward a year. And let’s say I have done a consciousness retreat, and 10 people were like, profoundly impacted by going to that and experiencing that. And, you know, having their own experiences and then learning from me, like imagine that. Okay, so now let’s back up to right now. And I have fear, and so I don’t do it. So really, what I’m doing essentially, is robbing like somebody else from having this really profound experience, because I put it together and make it easy for them to attend and have that experience. So I don’t do it, because I think I couldn’t. Alright, so all of my fear and self doubt impacts their life. Right? Have you ever thought about it like that? So my fear and doubt is negatively impacting other people. But if I felt really good, that’s a job well done. If I constantly told my brain that, what kind of things would I would I try? And how could I impact the world in a totally different way. If I could start to tell myself that I can do great things, then I might start to risk who knows what else I’ll think of besides consciousness retreats, maybe there’ll be something even better, or maybe that will become bigger, or maybe I’ll partner with somebody amazing and, and have an even bigger impact on somebody. So this is super important. Try to close the circle, and try to think about reminding yourself that, hey, I’ve had a job that’s well done. So the last thing I want to talk about is actually adding in fun or doing something that makes you joyful. So inside all of us are our three very separate ego states, then they kind of work together to make up your personal analogy. So we have an adult ego, we have a parent like ego, and we have a childlike ego. So what happens is your adult ego is sort of like that rational part of yourself, right? It’s the thing that says, like, I have to do my taxes. And I have to be to work by 9am. And I have to do this, and it has a schedule. And the adult part is just that very rational thing that’s going on. Your parent, like ego is the thing that says, make sure you brush your teeth, you know, make sure that you’re eating those vegetables, you have things to complete, right? So there’s that kind of voice in your head, that’s your parent, like ego. And then you also have this childlike ego, which is really the thing that acts like, like kids do. So it wants you to have fun, it wants you to go out and do things that are just pleasurable. And what happens when we’re constantly working, or we don’t give ourselves the chance to do something that actually brings us joy, or makes us happy is that that part of the ego starts to self sabotage. So you’ve heard of that of self sabotage. But it starts to really rear its head. So it’s constantly like, why are you doing this report? I want to go outside or I wanted to read a book, why do we have to work at night, right? So if you’re one of those people that’s constantly working, and you’re constantly overdone, and you’re wondering, like, Oh, my God, I just feel depleted, I don’t feel good about myself, I feel like this ants in my pants kind of feeling, I’m going to ask you, as one final big step in rewarding yourself when you’re succeeding is to give you time to do something that just feels fun. So many times we’re working so so hard, and we constantly put fun to the side, you know, I’m going to work tonight, just so I can get ahead or I’m going to do this. And we don’t give ourselves any of that downtime. And what happens is that child part of our ego starts to really self sabotage and screw things up, you know, we’ll get sick, or, you know, we’ll do a little mistake that’ll screw everything up. And it’s really our way of, of balancing ourselves and trying to say, like, I need to have some fun. So part of creating a self esteem and value that feels really good to you is going to be to try to balance, having fun with taking responsibility. And maybe you’re at a place right now where you haven’t done a lot of things that feel fun. Take some time today, even when you’re driving in the car and just ask yourself, like, what would really feel fun, this can be really difficult, especially if you haven’t been doing anything that feels fun. But think back maybe to something you’ve done in the past that felt fun. Maybe it’s going for a walk in nature or just sitting outside for a little bit and hearing the birds you know, maybe it’s watching a funny comedy on Netflix, or, you know, chilling out with a cup of coffee on your front porch, like think about what has felt relaxing and sort of fun in the in in the past. And sometimes it can spur you to go you know what I used to love doing go karts. Maybe you go and find a place just to do something step outside of

the ordinary, and see what that brings up for you. Because when you have this new experience, when you’re trying new things when you start to build your self confidence, so that you can try new things and you feel really good about it. You know, that’s when things start to shift for you. And I think that’s when you start to live a really big life. Thanks for

listening. We’ll see you next week.

Thanks so much for listening. Remember, you can find me all over social media at Betsy Pake and, as always, here’s a little message from my husband.

That’s it.

HI, I'M YOUR HOST

Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs

*Optimist

*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.

Join The
Alchemy Collective

A monthly membership to help you create deep change that lasts.