132: Coffee Talk & Defining Motivation


Episode 132: Today’s show I share some things on my mind that I would want to share with you if we were girlfriends chatting on the phone and I dive into an exercise to help you define what’s important to you and how you are motivated.

Also, I want to clarify when I talk about alcohol consumption and I say “I lot of my sisters…” I don’t mean my actual sisters… I mean my universal sisters.  I felt that was obvious but a point to clarify.

I hope that it serves you!


You’re listening to Episode 132 of The Art of Living big. So I’ve really been torn about this episode. And it’s Tuesday morning and I’m recording, which usually I record like Monday morning, like, I think about my week last week, and what kind of message Do I have to share? And what do I have to tell you? And this week? I feel like, I feel like really, I want to make a phone call like to a girlfriend, and just tell you all the things. So here’s what I’m going to do.

Yes, okay, this is what I’m going to do, I am going to tell you all the things that I would tell you, if you were my friend, and I called you on the phone, and I have a little lesson that will really help you as you start to think about 2019. And you start to define what it is you want to do. And when you start thinking about the things like if you look back over the past 10 years have you had like the same sort of goal every year. And maybe you’re not the kind of person that that creates new year’s resolutions.

That doesn’t matter. Just think about goals you’ve had, and if you’ve had like the same one over and over again, and I am going to teach you a little trick that will help you understand why you haven’t reached that goal and how to reach it now. Okay. All right. Cool. Let’s go to the show. Welcome to the art of living big. I’m your host, Betsy Pake. And this podcast is designed to share interviews and new ideas


help you redefine what could be possible

for your life. Now, let’s go live big. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the


All right. So today, I’m here with my coffee. And I wanted to just talk with you guys and share some stuff. And then I have a little exercise that I think will actually give you a lot of clarity. I have not done this exercise myself in quite a while and I did it. I’ve been doing a lot of my own coaching to myself here recently. And I have a story about that.

But I did this and I was like, Oh, dang, you know, I’ve got to change the way I’m doing stuff. So I’m going to tell you about that here in just a minute. But what I really wanted to do today is just tell you a bunch of things. And let’s just see if some of it might resonate with you and might kind of help you on your journey. So, you know, I’ve talked a little bit about my personal situation in my life with my daughter being sick. And now she’s not living at home for a little while she’s she’s got a mental illness, but she’s doing really good right now.

Really well and it feels much lighter. And when I talked about this a few weeks ago, I talked about how like things were really shifting, she wasn’t here. And so the energy felt different. And you probably know from your own life, how you get in a habit of doing things only because that’s what you’ve always done. So you probably don’t even realize that every day, your morning routine is probably really similar in terms of like, do you brush your teeth? Or do you go to the bathroom? First? Do you take a shower?

Or do you get your coffee, like I bet you do all of those things in the same exact sequence. Because it’s a habit you’re not even thinking.

And that’s part of the beauty of our brains is

that it just establishes patterns, that we don’t have to be thinking about every little thing and making decisions constantly, constantly. But what also can happen with that is that we don’t even realize that we’ve gotten in habits that are holding us back or pulling us away from our dreams and what we want to do. And so for her I think getting, getting a new environment was really helpful because it made her look at her habits. And once you can see your habits in a different way, it’s way easier to make changes.

And the same thing happened for me, you know, my routine was disrupted because there wasn’t another person here to take care of or just to have around. And so I started to notice my own habits and my own patterns and how that was either pulling me or pushing me away from the goals and dreams that I had. And, you know, many times it doesn’t, it doesn’t mean you have to remove somebody from your environment to make a change. But that was just what happened to me in my life, where all of a sudden, I was like, whoo, everything feels different.

And you may have noticed this in your life recently too, because I think that there’s a lot of things just going on in our world that are making us look at things differently, or making us feel different things are making us reevaluate what’s important to us. And even if it feels heavy or negative, I am truly of the belief that those things are actually propelling us forward. So over the past four or five years, well, my daughter’s been sick. Do I wish that she wasn’t?

Yes, of course, of course. And I also think that there were really valuable lessons that we have both learned in that. And you know what, I believe that she’s going to go off and live a beautiful life and use this experience to help other people or to help herself live even Fuller. And for me, after she was gone, and I think I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago, in the episode, I just wanted to sleep. And you know, my husband kept saying, then just sleep, Betsy just rest.

It was almost as if we had been in a war and the dust was settling. And as the dust settled, I just wanted to like sleep. And then when the dust had settled, like, wake up and see what had appeared. So the thing that happened to me in the last week was like, I felt like I woke up. So I literally woke up one morning now, just like you, I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself every day, like trying to learn and understand my patterns and reevaluate stuff.

And, you know, I’ve gotten coaching and doing all the things. So last week, when I woke up, it was remarkable to me because I have constantly felt myself changing and evolving, but but when I woke up that day, it was like, last Monday or Tuesday, like, like, I looked around, and I was like, Whoa, like, the room feels different. Like, everything feels different. Now, if you follow Dr. Joe dispenza, at all, you know, he talks about how if you can change at the level of your mind how it changes everything.

And I’ve been doing some of his meditations, you can check those out. They’re really good. There’s several of them. And I got one on Audible that I’ve been doing recently. And it’s, it’s about changing your mind how your mind thinks how your mind sees things. You know, we’ve talked about this on the show before and I think like Episode 100 is all about NLP and sort of how you view the world. But if you can shift that, then all the things that you’re noticing become different, too, right? So I became different. And this is the only way that I can describe this now. Again, because I’m having coffee and just talking to you on the phone, a girlfriend on the phone, I had this compulsion


to close my Facebook, my personal Facebook. Now this is really odd, because I have talked about like, probably, I mean, I feel like the last two or three years like, I hate Facebook, right? It’s like this love hate thing. And I don’t spend a ton of time I’ve noticed like the last six months or so like, I’ve hardly gone on there at all.

But I do have a public Facebook and I enjoy being able to share on there and talking back and forth with people that listen to the show or follow me. But something about having this public, Facebook felt like I had woken up and I was somebody different. And I don’t know who that is. And all of those people on there know that person. And that’s not me. I know that this sounds so strange. But that’s it. That is the compulsion, like that’s how it felt. And I just wanted to get rid of that I just wanted to I was at that point. And you’ve probably been there too. You can think about times in your life where you’re like, I’m just ready to grow.

And that’s holding me back. Now. It’s silly, because it’s just a Facebook profile. But for whatever reason, I had this compulsion. So I wanted to keep my public page and and I paid to be in some groups on Facebook. So I had to redo all of that and, you know, create a profile just for my business. And then I closed

my account.

And my husband got a couple messages from people asking if we were getting divorced. But it was really such a release. Like I was like, I don’t know who what I don’t know, like, I have become somebody new. I’m not totally sure who she is or how she moves through the world. But I knew that that had to be released.

Okay, so that happened. So over the past year, and I’m a big believer, I mean, I’m a coach, right? I coach people one on one, I’m a total believer. Now. I also believe that you can hit your goals without a coach. I believe it will take you a whole lot longer. And I have some really big lofty goals. And those are goals that I don’t want to wait 30 years to manifest. Right. So I could do it on my own. But I know if I could get somebody that was an expert to help me in certain things, then that’s how I should do it. years ago when I opened.

When I opened my business when I started my business, I created my own web page. And I did it by watching YouTube videos. So I love my web page. I think she looks really pretty but It took a long time, and it took a long time to get there. And if I had just paid a coach to like, walk me through it, or help me with it, I’m glad I learned how to do it, because now I can update it and do stuff. But instead of like poring through YouTube videos and trying to figure it out on my own, yes, I did it.

And it’s totally possible. And it would have been way faster and easier. And I could have put energy towards other things if I had just gotten somebody to help me. Okay, so this is where I’m going with this is my belief is that coaching is super powerful. And so I’ve had coaching for different things off and on over the past, you know, five years or so.

And I have followed one particular coaching program online for about a year. And they have a podcast and I’ve listened to their podcast, and I’ve been in the public Facebook group and just sort of watching now this coaching is very expensive. So I think that’s the thing that has held me back. And I think unconsciously, I knew I had so many things going on in my life that I couldn’t take that leap. Like it just wasn’t the right time. But I woke up last week, and I closed my facebook account.

And I became somebody new. And all of a sudden, I couldn’t stop thinking about that coaching group. Now, this is a group I’ve followed for like a year, but I haven’t paid a whole lot of attention to it. Like late recently, like I’ve, you know, you kind of go in and out, you’re aware of it

always. But

all of a sudden, I became like, weirdly obsessed with it, where that’s all I could think about and I started listening to all the back episodes of podcasts that I hadn’t listened to. And I was like, I want to talk to them. And so within 24 hours, I had scheduled a call with them and talk to them. Now this coaching program is like the price is when I was in college, I bought my very first brand new car.

Now I was in college A long time ago, but still I bought my very for this coaching program is double what I paid for that brand new car, just to give you an idea of what we’re talking about. And so I talked to them, and they and I signed up. Like I decided in that moment to sign up, I put down a deposit, I didn’t have the money for it. But I knew I felt it that this was the right thing. And I totally believe I am completely in the belief that when we take leaps, when we stop holding ourselves back, and we take leaps where we make an investment in ourselves, it tells the universe something very powerful about what you think your worth is.

So if there is something whether it’s a coaching program, or you want to invest in yourself in purchasing a business, or you want to invest in yourself in like that handbag that you’ve wanted for three years that you know would make you feel abundant and amazing. Or, you know, going on a trip or going to all the baseball parks or whatever it is you want to do. I believe that when we take that leap, the universe is it I felt like the universe was like waiting for me to do that. And then when I did it, it went like yay. And do you know that I made all the money to pay for that coaching within about four hours of making that decision?

For hours? Now was the was the opportunities there before? Absolutely. I just didn’t see them. My brain was not looking for them. And honestly, my brain didn’t think I was worth it. Because I hadn’t made the investment in myself. And when I made the leap and made the investment everything started to switch for me. So I tell you that story because there is there is something that you want to make the leap there’s something that you wonder, am I worth this maybe it’s just simply a change in your life. Am I worth it? Can I do it? You absolutely can and you might not see the support systems that will be in place until you do it.

So that has been one of the most impactful things I this Betsy I call this Betsy effing Pake This is Betsy Pake and, and it feels like so much more aligned and like I’m moving in this direction of this vision that I’ve held for a very, very long time and now things are starting to line up and I’m able to see some new things, things. So that is kind of my cool thing that’s happened to me. The other thing if we were on the phone and I was talking to you is that I’ve started to begin to notice On like Instagram or in marketing messages, I even noticed it this week as I was driving to Atlanta on billboards.

And what I’ve noticed is this message. And I’ve noticed it specifically to women, but it’s probably because I’m a woman. So if you’re a man, you may notice this to where it’s telling me that if I want to be happy, or balanced, or a good mom, I have to be drinking alcohol. So now first of all, let me just say that I’m not a prohibitionist like I drink, I like to go out and have a cocktail with my husband on a date or whatever.

But I don’t want to feel like the messages that I’m getting that I’m seeing are like, wine Wednesdays, like mom’s being, being a mom is hard. And you probably need your wine. Or like, there’s a lot of like, and I don’t have a toddler, but there’s a lot of like playdates you who you know, you know who to have the playdate with, because they bring the wine. A lot of like health things online and on Instagram, promote

the drinking, which I’m not saying you can’t be healthy and still drink, I enjoy a good cocktail. So I’m not saying that, but I’m saying I’m noticing this intense marketing that in order to be like, cool, I have to be drinking. So I tell you that because I just want to invite you to evaluate the marketing messages that you are being sent, whether it’s about alcohol or about anything like now that I say that, you may start to notice that like it is everywhere, like it’s on T shirts, it’s Nick, it’s a T shirt on and target like it’s everywhere.

So begin to notice. And you know, if you don’t have a problem with alcohol, that’s awesome. Like, I don’t have a problem with alcohol. So it’s not like overwhelming me. But I do know that a lot of my sisters do. And if women are being overly marketed, anything that could have unhealthy, it just felt really heavy and yucky. So I want to just invite you to listen to the marketing messages that you’re hearing, and evaluate them from a new perspective, instead of just absorbing it into your subconscious.

You know, when we’re looking at our screens, especially our TVs actually pulled at a certain rate that creates a hypnotic state. And so everything gets absorbed into your subconscious, and ultimately formed as a belief because of what you’re seeing. So you may not even realize that that’s happening. And then like 20 years from now, somebody plays a jingle and you know all the words, right? So you know, it’s been implanted, and it’s become part of your subconscious programming.

So I say that because I think it’s so important to notice all of the messages that we’re receiving and being able to filter those or to say, like, Okay, I’m okay with this message. Like, that seems like a positive good message. And this one doesn’t feel good. And so I’m going to notice it. And simply by noticing, it will start to change the way you’re absorbing, and it’s becoming part of you. So the alcohol one might not be your thing that might not bug you at all, you might think it’s cheeky, and that’s totally fine. I just am pointing it out, because we’re having coffee and chatting on the phone as something to like to just notice, and then see what else you notice. So and then the other thing is just to remember that the universe

goes big, in return

to your leaps. So those would be my two little messages for our coffee talk today. And


let’s get into like,

how we really can evaluate our goals from a different place. So here’s what happens. So you may have a goal, and I use the weight loss one just because it’s so easy to explain.

But this might not be your thing, just forgive me. So

New Year’s resolution time, a lot of people set the weight loss goal or anytime they set the weight loss goal and what happens, they’re really good. Like they’re motivated, they’re positive and happy. And they feel like they have a handle on it. And they’re like kind of on this wave, right? So if you can imagine like a wave going up. And then like around January 15 of the 20th, it starts going down, right?

And they’re like, Oh, I’m not really interested in this anymore. I can’t really stick to this. So then they sort of like fall off the wagon, a little bit of time goes by and then you’re like, Okay, I’m gonna try it again. I’m getting back up and you do really good

for a little while.

So it’s sort of like this wave, right, up and down, up and down. But never really getting anywhere never really like moving towards the goal or the end result of what it is you want. So like why is that? Why do our brains do that and how can we short circuit that pattern and start to create a new pattern. So here’s the thing that you might not really realize is that

all day

long, you are making judgments based on things that you like and things that you don’t like. So the world in your brain is sort of broken up into buckets, right? This is all the things that I really like. And this is all the things that I really don’t like.

So I really don’t like having my jeans too tight, right, I really don’t like how I feel in my body. So I’m going to start this new year’s resolution, I’m going to start this diet, right. So what happens, so I do it, and then it lasts about 10 or 15 days, I probably make a little bit of progress. So now, my jeans don’t feel so tight, I don’t feel as uncomfortable, I’m starting to feel better.

So now, that

pressure, that thing that was propelling me forward, is doubled. Now I don’t, I don’t mean like my jeans, like I would like to be skinnier, but I feel a little bit better. So now it’s easier to sort of fall off the wagon. So that’s when I start going downhill. Well, what happens I go downhill and again, a little bit of weight, or I am in an environment where

I noticed I don’t feel

good. So then I’m like, Oh my god, I don’t want to be here. So it is a constant running away from. So as individuals, you probably have a pattern of either moving away from something, or moving towards something. And how you do this is going to affect

your result.

So you may run towards something in one area of your life and run away in another area of your life. So perhaps with weight loss, you’re always running away from feeling uncomfortable. And then you start to feel a little bit better. And so the wave begins, right?

Maybe with your finances, you want to run toward something, maybe it’s really compelling for you the thing that you’re running towards a vacation or having a certain amount of money in your 401k or whatever it is buying that house, so you’re running towards something. So when we are running towards something, it becomes easier to maintain this more even line, when we’re running away from something, it’s we go up and down, up and down, up and down. Now,

running away might propel

you to start. And that is amazing. But when we are running away, so let’s say I put on my jeans, and I feel like crap, and I go I want to lose weight. That’s I’m compelled, I want to do that. That’s perfect, that will get you started. But then it’s really important for you to start to look forward. Now what can I shift,

so that I’m focused on something coming up.

So not necessarily an event. But if I can focus on I want to feel this way, I want to feel really healthy, I want to feel like an athlete, I want to be able to run five miles or I want to be able to run with ease, or I want to be the kind of person who seeks out juice bars on vacation or whatever it is when you can identify, like, the thing ahead of who you want to be and how you want to be and how you want to move through the world in this new way, then the ups and downs tend to dissipate because you’re just moving forward, it doesn’t mean you don’t have ups and downs, it just means they don’t become the thing that stops and starts stops and starts.

So moving away from something is a great to get you going but then you have to shift. So do you want to know what it is you actually do. So this can be really helpful. So we divide our lives into things we like and things we don’t like. And in NLP, we call this finding your current coordinates. So being able to understand actually what your default mechanism is how you divide stuff up. So what you might not really realize is that you divide stuff into wants, or likes and dislikes. But you also can subdivide those areas even further. And when you can do that, that’s when you can start to actually identify what your pattern is.

And again, like I was saying early in our coffee talk once you can, once you become aware, like that’s when all of a sudden, you can start to change stuff, you can’t change something that you’re not aware of. Okay, so here’s what you do, just take a piece of paper and divide it into four columns. And what I want you to do in the very first column, is I want you to write at the top, want and have. And then in the second column, I want you to write want and don’t have in the third column, I want you to write Don’t want and have. And the fourth column is going to be don’t want and don’t have. Now I’m going to give you some examples of each of these.

So things that I want and have, I want a safe home, and I have that I want pets, and I have those, I have enough of those things in the column number two things that I want, and I don’t have, I want to go to Canyon Ranch on vacation, I don’t have that yet. Number three things that I don’t want. And I have, I don’t want this extra 10 pounds, but I have it. And then four is things that I don’t want. And I don’t have, I don’t have any disease, and I don’t want it right. So I don’t want it and I don’t have it.

So just to kind of give you an example of what each of those things are. So make your list divided paper into four columns. And then in each column, I want you to explore each of those areas. So just write down all the things, all the things that you want, don’t want all of those things just feel out, fill out each of the columns. Now, just to point out this can be like, sometimes I find this list easier when I’m working with my coaching clients is to say like, do it.

Think about your home life, then think about your finances, and then think about your love life. And then think about like dreams you have. So if you go through each of those areas, it really can help you expand that way, you don’t have a piece of paper with like, three things on it, right? So like, expand and you can even think like, you know, things that I want and have are like my safe home or, you know, clean sheets,

like silly things.

Like just let your brain sort of brain dump and into all these areas. Because how you’re filling it out is just as important is as what you’re putting Okay. All right. So now that you’re done, pause this if you haven’t done it. Okay, so now that you’re done, which list is the longest? Like, is there one that’s really long and one that’s way shorter? Is there one list

that was really easy to fill out?

Like I could write for days, I could fill out another two pieces of paper, right? Is there a list where you really have to like, I don’t know, like struggle to come up with stuff like any ideas for that we’re just really unfamiliar to you. So as you look at each list, do you notice that like one thing has like really important things in it, and one thing has like little nothing things in it like almost like comparing mountains to mole hills in different columns. So as you look at each of the lists, do you feel better about one of the lists than the others? And is there anything that you look at it and you’re like, I want to change that.

So there’s a lot of things that we can do with this list to explore and drill down even more. But for the sake of simplicity, I want to just take a look at two of the lists. So they’ll want and don’t have list. Want and don’t have which is column number two, is another way of describing toward motivation. So this is the thing I’m reaching for, I’m going for, well the don’t want and have, which is column number three. That is another way of describing away from motivation.

So notice which list is more important to you. And then I want you to just notice that that might be your natural inclination. So if you have dreams, or goals or things that you would like to do, that have eluded you, this may be a really good place to start. So reevaluate those goals and say, What have I been doing to propel me forward? What is my desire? Because here’s the thing, I don’t think it’s ever motivation. I know that sounds so crazy, doesn’t it? I don’t think it’s ever motivation, like, I don’t like to run.

But if I was on my street, and I saw a car coming down the street that was going to hit a little kid, I would run so fast. It’s not my motivation. It’s my desire. And when my desire wanes, because I’m choosing away from motivation, and then the desire for that goes away because the motivation drops down, right? The thing drops down. The thing isn’t that bit. The car is no longer hurdling at that

child. I don’t have to run. So I don’t.

So I want you to just look at your list, look at your goals and then say how can I shift

my motivation so that I’m going

towards what it is I want,

I can use the wave from to kickstart me and get me going. And then I’m going to shift to create a beautiful vision of where I’m actually going and that my friend This is how you live a big life. Thanks for listening.

And as always, here’s a little message from my husband.

That’s it.


Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs


*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.