Today on the show Betsy Interviews Lee Noto!
Lee helps women communicate their needs, boundaries, and desires, so they can reduce conflict and deepen intimacy in their relationships. Her mission is to help others feel empowered and free in their expression.
In her “past life,” she earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business & Entrepreneurship and her Master’s Degree in Education. From teaching in the classrooms of Hawaii to running multiple businesses in New York City, she has a reverence for nature, learning, and quick wit.
In “this life,” Lee is a master coach with certifications in holistic coaching and transformational coaching, and has deep study in personal development, sacred sexuality, and spirituality.
She shares powerful communication tools and somatic practices that allow clients to connect deeply to their emotions and bodies.
By guiding clients into deeper self-love, self-acceptance, curiosity, and play, Lee helps them boldly open their hearts in order to give and receive the epic love they desire.
She is most loved for her ability to hold a safe space for clients to step into their power and create a bliss-filled life.
You can find Lee dancing in the park, singing aloud, or talking in various accents for her own entertainment. :p
Welcome to The Art of Living big. I’m your host, Betsy Pake.
I’m an author,
speaker, Master hypnotherapist and NLP coach, and I help high achievers rewire for success. If you’re ready for the next level, you’re in the right place.
Over the next 30 minutes,
I hope to help you redefine what could be possible for your life.
let’s go live big.
fellow adventurers. Today, I have a guest on the show. I’m super excited about it. Her name is Lee noto, and we’re gonna be talking about sex a little bit. So if you’ve got kids in the car, or something, maybe you listen later and listen to one of the other episodes right now.
I want to tell you a little bit about Lee. And also, I want to tell you that as we started talking, we got into a little bit about manifesting using your sexual energy. If you’re inside the alchemy collective, I got her to agree to come in and do a workshop for y’all. So if you’re not in the collective, you can get in there, just go to Betsy pake.com, backslash alchemy, and you can join us. But we are going to have her come in in January and do a little workshop for us. So let me tell you a little bit about lady she is a coach, she helps women to communicate their needs their boundaries and desires so that they can reduce conflict and deepen intimacy in their relationships. Her mission is really to help others feel empowered and free in their expression. So we dive into masculine and feminine energy manifesting using your sexual energy and everything in between. So I’m so excited to bring you this interview. So let’s go to the show.
Welcome to today’s show. I’m excited. I know I always get it. I don’t know. Li Li is here with me. Lee nodo is here with me. And she might listen to the show in here. Like every time I have a guest I’m like, Oh my god, I’m so excited. But I never have guests on unless I’m really excited. So welcome to the show. Lea, Betsy.
It’s such a pleasure to be here. Thank you for having me on today. Yeah, I’m
pumped that you’re here. So tell everybody a little bit about what you do.
Absolutely. So I am an intimacy and self expression coach. And my mission and goal is to really support women in becoming embodied and fully expressed so that they can deepen intimacy in their relationships. And this takes me through all sorts of realms and down rabbit holes around intimacy, communication, embodiment, movement and expression.
So, tell me then, okay,
so that’s a lot, right. So
like, if I were to narrow down a piece of that, what do you help women do?
So the two main things that I work with all of my clients on is effective communication. Yeah, especially around communicating needs, boundaries and desires. Yeah, and how we are inhabiting our bodies in a new way. So a lot of that has to do with relationship to our own bodies, body image, and how that relationship appears in our sexual life in it or other relationships. Yeah,
don’t you think that and I don’t know if you think this, but I’m wondering, as you’re talking and saying all this, if we are really disconnected from our bodies, in a lot of ways, and that shows up for us in our sexual relationship, you know, growing up, I grew up, I’m 49. So I grew up in the 70s. went to church every week, you know, like, we were Catholic. And I, I wonder a lot sometimes because I have my own, I’m sure every woman does, but I have my own things where I’m like it something will make me like, totally tense or like, No, and I don’t know why, you know, I mean, like, I’m like that must belong to some fragmented belief that I got from someone else. Do you find that a lot with women that you work with?
Yes. And like, you’re definitely not alone. One of the things that we look at when we start to explore, you know, uncovering this woman that we already are, who we want to become, is what constructs have contributed to who we are now, such as religious constructs, societal constructs, you know, these things that have conditioned and programmed us. And you know, in most cases, women are coming, men and women are coming to the table with things that don’t really belong to them as in their outdated thoughts and beliefs. But because they’re so unconscious at this point, and so deeply rooted, a lot of people aren’t going to question those things and live there. lives within those confines? Hmm,
yeah, yeah. Well, and I think as women were marketed women are marketed so much as sexual beings, right? That’s how we market cheeseburgers and cars. And then we’re told, like, don’t be sweaty. We have, like, what? The freak in the sheets, but a boss on the, I don’t know. But it’s all these, like, total dichotomies, right? These things that like push against each other. And so I, depending on the day, I show up as one or the other. And it’s very confusing to like my partner, and me, it’s confusing to me, like, I’m like, why was I okay with that? Thought or that way that, you know, my husband, and he might kill me for saying, but like,
you know, he had it done.
We joke that he would say, like, you want to do it, and I would be fine with that. Like, I feel like fine. But then all of a sudden, I got like, pissed. Like, why are you asking me like that? Like, why are you? And it’s so confusing for him? Because he’s like, well,
I that’s how I’ve always asked you
said it that way. And then something will happen. And it’ll shift things. And I really think that is coming back to like, some belief or some idea that we had, you know, from the past. And so I think that being able to really release a lot of those things and create something new, you know, create new beliefs and new structures around what you want, and how you want your relationship to be, is super powerful and very difficult at the same time.
Yes, yes, I agree. It’s fascinating. Because when we think of religious context, which is woven into everything, whether people consider themselves agnostic atheist, there really isn’t much of a separation between church and state, if we’re looking at how the world has been run. Yeah. So when we look at religions, many religions, it’s like, Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Okay, you’re married, do it, have a bunch of kids grow, create produce, this is, you know, creation through God’s word. It’s like, well, all of a sudden, it was a no, for all of these years, we were Yeah, you know, foul or dirty if we explored our sexuality. And then the second we step into a marriage construct. Now we are the dutiful housewife, or the, the object of our husband’s pleasure. Yeah. And while many people don’t overtly operate like that, these things are woven into our cultural fabric. Right? And, you know, to your point, I’ve had this experience many times, but when we are looking at the way we operate, like, if it was always your husband’s way to say, hey, you want to do it? Maybe there was like a cute, flirty way for him to approach the conversation. Yeah, it is, you know, as women, it’s our responsibility to notice what’s happening in our bodies, the moment that that approach doesn’t feel good anymore, right? Because truly, and I’ve been there many times, maybe never felt good. And maybe this was just what we thought this, this made sense to us at the time, too. But as we go on our journey of evolution and expansion, yeah, we’re going to outgrow things. And we’re going to say, you know what, I love that you’re asking, but I want you to ask it differently for a while. Yeah,
that’s a really good point that as we grow, yeah, as we grow and change, then the, the what feels good changes, right, what feels appropriate? Or what feels like respectful changes.
it’s very confusing for a partner, just changing where all the sudden, you’re like, I don’t like that. So yeah. Do you think that’s a United States thing? Or do you think that in the United States, not
like North America,
do you think that’s a North American
thing? Or do you think that’s everywhere in the world, where women have this push and pull?
Okay, so there are so many cultures where, you know, we see misogyny and some places we see misogyny, I can’t say worse than the United States, everything is, you know, really quite subjective. But there’s there are cultures of misogyny and sexism all over the world. Now, there are cultures that are, I think, really modeling healthier ways of operating across across gender identifications. And it’s, it’s something that’s been sewn into the fabric of our being for a very, very long time we go all the way back to the agricultural age, when agriculture first became a thing and marriage. Marriage wasn’t a thing because of love. It wasn’t out of love that we were married back then it was for land ownership. So it was a very practical Matter of coming together between two people, now we have evolved in a way where we’ve self actualized. When we say, hey, I want to fall in love, I want to feel passionate. I want to be in partnership where we want to work together as a team. And so I see over time, we’re really working through the kinks that we’ve carried for many, many generations as women into a place of deeper empowerment, deeper sovereignty. And one of the distinctions that I think is really interesting here is we’ve gone through many feminist waves, where it was like Rosie the Riveter and we’re becoming empowered. We’re doing it like the men do. And we’re in a different era right now, where we’re looking at how do we embody the way of being that feels best for us. And it might not always be a more masculine way of being, it might be a feminine way of being. And how do we create the space to recognize that being feminine isn’t weak, being vulnerable, isn’t weak, there’s a lot of strength in feminine energy. And there’s a lot of strength and vulnerability. And these are two of the things that really helped create a, an interesting sexual spark between a man and a woman. Sure. And in intimacy in general,
how would you describe feminine energy and masculine energy?
Yeah, so this is a question I get often because it has nothing to do with gender identification. Yeah, so masculine and feminine are attributes that we all possess, we all have masculine energy, and we all have feminine energy. Some of us are more masculine or feminine, dominant in how we behave in the world. So when we look at masculine energy, this is energy that is organized, linear, direct penetrating, might be concerned with achievement and outcome. And when we look at feminine energy, this is creative energy. This is receptive energy. This is more in the flow, so nonlinear, emotive intuitive. So sometimes we can see how men, you sometimes can portray more masculine energy, and women can portray more feminine energy. But really, these days, we see a lot of women with masculine energy, especially if they’re in the workplace, and they need to go and do and achieve. Yeah, now, when masculine and feminine are in balance, someone can walk around is feeling whole and energized and integrated. But more often, we see an imbalance. And we’ll see a lot of times where the masculine energy is not being balanced by the feminine, that’s when we get into the realm of aggression, anger, judgment, dominance. And so we see that a lot in politics, there’s an overgrowth or overdevelopment of an unhealthy, masculine energy. And when we find ourselves swinging the other way, and there isn’t balanced from the masculine into the feminine, we see complacency neediness in decisiveness and qualities like that.
Yeah, yeah, I have always felt like I was, have always had more masculine energy, like very goal oriented, you know, I always very much like go get it done, even as a little kid, like always out there doing stuff. And I had to really cultivate the feminine side, right, the creative side and give space to be in flow. It wasn’t something that came really naturally to me, I think a lot of that was just, you know, past experiences in my life, where I had to take care of me. So that’s always how I came into it. When you come into a relationship, and you’re out of balance like that. Do you? Do you find that people look for people that are also out of balance, so that they balance each other out? And
if they do, does that work? So typically, what happens when we’re looking at romantic partnerships, in order for there to remain a sexual spark? There has to be polarity. And it doesn’t matter who displays which attributes as long as there are two poles two polar opposites, okay. Yeah, yeah. So say I’m, I’m dating a man. If he’s coming with a lot of masculine energy, and I come into the relationship with feminine energy, there can be sexual spark and sustain sexual Spark. Now, if all of a sudden he then decides to take on feminine energy for a prolonged amount of time, if I don’t switch into the masculine, typically the sexual spark will start to wane. We can become platonic in our relationship, but there’s not going to be that same Kind of passionate chemistry that there was before. Right now, if a woman comes into a relationship and she has masculine energy, and she finds a partner that has more feminine energy, then that could work. As long as there is a polar opposite.
Yeah. So like, kind of, and I don’t mean to interrupt you, you go, go ahead. I
was just gonna say, of course, this is all fluid. So there might be days when, you know, my partner is like, you know, what can you take? take the lead today? I’m feeling really burnt out? And I say, Yeah, of course.
Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m gonna ask you. Yeah, exactly. to flow back and forth, depending on the day or the season of your life. Right?
So what would you say to somebody that started out with a spark? And now they finding themselves out of balance? Is it something that they can, like rectify on their own? Or do both partners have to have an awareness of this to make a shift?
Yeah. So I always say that things start with the self and the relationship to self. There’s we as individuals, and I, you know, this is like written all over everything that you do. We as individuals are so powerful, like so extremely powerful alone. And so, with us making conscious shifts in our relationship, whether it’s uncovering subconscious beliefs that are there that are holding us back thought patterns, whatever is there, when we start to make those shifts individually, it’s amazing how much change can be created in a relational space between two or more people. Now, when we’re talking about a romantic partnership, there is a level of intimacy that can be created when both partners are on board with something. And when there is an awareness of, Hey, honey, here’s what I’m seeing. Is this true for you? What are you seeing, and creating that sense of CO creation? So a lot of change can happen on the individual level. And it gets to be a fun, co creative inquiry and adventure. When both partners are they’re participating together?
it’s interesting, because as you’re talking, I’m like, it’s so much about communication. And I think, if you were to ask me consciously, I would say, Well, of course, your sexual life has to do with communication. But that is striking me as Oh, I never thought of it like that. But you know, like, if I thought through it, I’d be like, Well, of course.
you think of it, do other people
think of it as sort of separate? I’m wondering or is that just mean, like,
you’re you’re not alone? There are so and this is? Because I have been in that boat as well. There’s so much that goes left unsaid, especially in Yeah, sexual scenarios, where we’re either not aware of our own thoughts, beliefs, needs, desires, and boundaries. Yeah. And if we’re not aware of them, or if we haven’t given a lot of space to think about them, then of course, we haven’t communicated them. And at best, our partner is doing what they have always done, what they know, what they’ve seen in porn, what they’ve heard from their friends. Yeah, or what they think you like or want, right now. Right? That’s a whole lot of chance, when we’re talking about like, real compatibility and fulfillment.
Right, right. And I do think like, we were talking about the cheeseburger commercials or selling cars, or porn, like you just mentioned, like, it’s it, you can’t live up to any of that, like, I’m just not going to be wet on the top of a car with a hamburger. just not gonna happen. You know, I mean, like, I got my pocket full of crap, I got crystals in my bra. You know? And we’ve been breath and like, so how does that whole, like, idea of women, how does that really play into? I guess, like us actually showing up as who we really are. It feels sometimes like, well, I’m supposed to be this or I’m supposed to be that or, or who am I supposed to be in this?
Yeah, I’ve that that question goes so deep. Because that I think that’s the story for most of us, for many of us, unless we were raised radically differently. And, you know, the thing here and this is not the sexy answer, but it is what I have found to be true with my clients, women in my life and in my life, you know, in my personal life, is that what this time is requiring of us right now is radical, personal responsibility. because trust me, I’ve wanted someone to come save me. I’ve wanted someone to come tell me and remind me over and over again, how worthy I am, how enough I am. How I don’t have to live up to the standards of porn, or magazines and models and Instagram. Famous women? Yeah, nobody’s coming to do it. Nobody, I cannot expect anyone to come tell me any of those things. And it’s a bonus, that I’m in a relationship where my partner does make an effort to share those things. But it’s really my responsibility to say, hey, what am I seeing out in the world? And what beliefs do I hold that I am currently aware of that align with how I’ve been told I should be in air quotes? Yes, yeah. And does that still work for me? Does that feel good? Do I have an expansive feeling in my body where I feel creative and turned on and joyful? When I think of being the way that I’m told I should be? And if the answer’s no, then how would I like to be instead, what would feel easeful for me what would feel joyful? What would feel authentic. And starting that line of inquiry allows us to create a space for our authentic expression. Because some days and many days, my authentic expression is like Yoga Clothing. I don’t, I don’t feel like dressing up every day. And like looking nice, that’s what’s most comfortable for my body. But I was putting on a dog and pony show for many, many years of my life, wearing things that felt uncomfortable, because I thought I needed to look a certain way to impress people. And so starting to recognize and create awareness around where the disconnect is, and then taking personal responsibility for how we want to craft our lives, where we see the gaps, and in a way that would have us feeling more fulfilled. That’s really where all this starts. And to be honest, I really think that this is the era of the feminine, not only, you know, female, embodied people. But this is the era of us, really finding what works for us. And, you know, when we talk about Gender, Women, being leaders, women leading the way to reteach society, about what’s actually acceptable for how we’re treated.
And I love that. Yeah,
I love that. And I think that we’re seeing that right, we’re seeing that now with women getting boundaries and saying what’s acceptable to them and
I also find on a on a side note to that is that many times I think the pressure of having to look a certain way, or having to be a certain way is created, at least in my situation. So someone that’s listening, it might be different, but it’s created by me. Like, my husband is always
are looking awesome. You’re beautiful. And I’m like, Oh, you know, like, but it’s not he doesn’t see that. Right? He just is always talking about how great I am. And I’m always like, can do we not? Like sometimes I feel the need almost to say like, Can you not see this? Do you not see this? So it is it is created. But so much of this marketing is almost feels like it’s geared towards women. I know it’s being sold to men, but women are adopting it as what they think is the right air quoting right thing. But I don’t know that men are deciding that’s what’s the right way to look or the right way to be. we’re deciding that. So what you’re saying just makes so much sense, because now we can decide something different. Now we’re stepping into the space where we’re like, No, I’m not going to take that on for myself, I’m going to create different boundaries, and live a life that feels way more authentic.
When you mentioned was about it depends how you were raised. You know, it depends how you were raised. And I am curious. If you have any thoughts about that. I know that’s not really your specialty. So if you don’t have thoughts, that’s okay. As a parent, I have thoughts and I’ve always been super honest with my kid and open with her and talked about all the things. But I am curious, do you have thoughts on how to create like really healthy ideas of a sexual relationship
for your children?
Yeah. So what I mean, first and foremost, is modeling healthy relationships. So whether you’re still living in a household with your partner or not modeling how healthy relationships look, because even more than children hearing what their parents say they’re going to watch what their parents do. They Okay, as you know, children are sponges, like they just absorb everything and they see the things that we don’t think they see. They feel children are so receptive to emotions and energy. And, you know, we think we’ve grown out of that as adults for some reason, but children feel everything.
So I’m sure you know, this is true for you. But, you know, when we look at children, they immediately pick up on what’s happening with their parents. They might not verbalize it but they can feel mommy and daddy’s energy. They can feel when there’s tension they can feel when there’s discord and disconnect. And it doesn’t mean that you anybody has to go lead a perfect conflict free household. That’s not realistic. But children see how their parents deal with conflict. What kinds of communication styles are used if there’s active listening present. And so modeling is first and foremost, the thing that children will pick up on more than anything. And then, you know, in conjunction with that, creating that space for an open dialogue, and starting to be proactive about those conversations, because my sex talk with my mom was if you have sex, make sure he wears a condom. I was 13. Okay, great. Thank you, mom. Perfect. Yeah,
And you know, and so that was my sex education until I found porn until I talk to my friends and spotty, at best not agree. Next education. So it was experimentation at a very young age. And so creating that space for open dialogue. And, you know, for anyone who’s listening, if that feels uncomfortable, it’s a really great observation. Because if we feel uncomfortable as adults to have those conversations, then there may be some things that we want to explore in our relationship to sex, one for ourselves and our partners and two, for how we start to teach our children about those things.
Yeah, yeah. I
love that. That’s so true. Anytime we feel that apprehension or, you know, that trigger in ourselves. It’s really great. Because celebrate it, I would say like, celebrate it, because you found something that needs to be healed.
Yeah. Talk to me a little bit about manifesting
uax Oh, gosh, it’s
so good. Oh, it’s so good. Okay. So there are many, many practices in the realm of sex magic. Sex magic is using sexual activity and sexual energy as a way to set intentions to create to manifest to allow for deeper healing in the body to create deep connection with ourselves in a partner. So it’s, it’s the intentional use of sex and sexual energy. And when we talk about manifestation, there are some really, really powerful ways to use our sexual energy to create and manifest. So your listeners are totally primed for the power of intention. I mean, they they know this. Yeah. And when we’re looking at the power of intention, we all know that many times we can set it and forget it, we set an intention. And then somehow, at some point down the road, we’re like, holy crap, I set an intention for that. It’s true, I didn’t really have to do anything about it. It’s here. Yes, open to receiving. So in one of my favorite practices, in using sexual energy for manifestation, I create a container. And what that means is I use intention and gratitude as bookends for the sexual experience, the sexual experience happens in the middle. So whether I’m going into a personal self pleasure practice alone, or I’m going into a sexual encounter with my partner, I will set an intention first, either by myself or together with my partner, that intention could be anything, may I access presence? May I really feel pleasure today? May I create, you know, $100,000 in 2021, it could, you know, span the line and yet be anything. And then I forget it. And I go into the practice itself, whether that’s self pleasure, partner practice. And then once that’s complete, I’ll end with gratitude. And so it’s a gratitude for the entire practice. And that’s a really beautiful way to use sexual energy, which is lifeforce energy, creative energy, creative writing, yeah. creates all life, right? That energy is used to amplify the intention. So if we know intention settings, powerful standalone, imagine what happens when we partner it with sexual energy.
So am I using the orgasm to focus that moment to focus in on the thing that I want? like do I need to be thinking of all my beach houses, I feel like I need a vision board so I can be ready You know, but am I am I focusing that moment on what it is I want like is that where the intention, the energy of that goes into that intention? So I am focused on it and thinking about it.
So you can do it either way. Whatever serves you most to experience your pleasure. Pleasure is At the forefront of all of this, if you are really turned on by, by thinking about oh my god, I cannot wait for my feet to be Sandy as I walk back into that beach house with beautiful light beach wood floors, if it really turns you on to get that sensual with the beach house. Yeah, I guess. Go for it, imagine it climax to it. Okay, if that’s going to pull you out of presence from experiencing embodied pleasure, then know that setting the intention at the beginning was more than enough.
I gotcha. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And so then at the end, you give gratitude for all of it for the experience. And for the intention itself.
Yeah. And, you know, for whatever for that. And whenever gratitude comes up, like grateful to be feeling pleasure, grateful to have this practice, grateful for my partner. Yeah, whatever, whatever is there. Yeah, I love it.
Well, you come in to the alchemy collective and do a little workshop with everybody.
Absolutely would be my pleasure.
That would be so fun. Okay, this is so interesting. Lee, thank you so much for coming on the show. Tell me tell me because I know people are gonna want to learn more about you. And I feel like, I would like to get some cheese and crackers and glass of wine and talk for like, three hours. Yeah, I feel like, there’s so much we could cover. So we’ll do more of that inside the alchemy collective. Maybe we’ll do it as like a little happy hour thing.
But tell me how can people find you and like, what do you have coming up? Can they get on your mailing list so they can get all the latest stuff and all of that and I’ll put the I’ll put all this in the show notes too.
Yeah. So the best way to find me is on Instagram. I’m at Li noto underscore, l e n o t o. Also, if you want to receive juicy updates, you can sign up for my mailing list by going to my website, Lino tau.com. And I do have some beautiful stuff coming up that are really, really excited for. So in the beginning of February, I’m going to be launching a an eight week program for single women who are looking to create their ideal partnership call in their ideal partner. And what that looks like is really diving deep into the realms of intimacy, sensuality embodiment, and channeling our inner High Priestess. So the sovereign and powerful woman who’s receptive and nurturing and is also a leader. That’s what we’re going to be covering in that eight weeks. So I love it. That sounds amazing. Yeah. Oh my gosh, I’m having so much fun creating it. I’m creating returned on
Yeah, good. Yeah, I love
Yeah. So I’ll be sharing a lot about that through email and on my Instagram page.
Okay, cool. So if people get on your email list, then they’ll get all the updates about that and then they can follow along on Instagram.
you so much for being here. This was so much fun and I can’t wait to dive in a little bit deeper inside the collective to
Oh, it’s such a pleasure. Thank you for having me on today.
Thank you so much for being here and for listening to today’s episode. If you liked it and got something out of it, please be sure to share it with me by leaving a review over on iTunes. And if you’re not following on social media, I am everywhere at Betsy Pake but most of the time over on Instagram, so follow and comment on my latest post so that we can connect there. I will see you next week. And until then, keep living big