355: This is why you don't want to complain - Betsy Pake

355: This is why you don’t want to complain


In todays episode Betsy shares why you take the actions that you take and what happens to YOUR actions when you complain about someone else.
There’s more to the story than you may think, so join her in the show today to learn more about yourself and how to reach your goals even faster!


Welcome to the Art of Living big podcast. My name is Betsy pake. I’m an author, a speaker, and a trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy. And I’m focused on helping you understand and design your life with the power of the subconscious. This podcast is designed to help you think differently about what could be possible for your life. Now, let’s go live big.

Hello fellow adventurers. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. Today I’m going to talk about well actually, I have a little story first, and then I’m going to talk about when we are complaining, I think it’s like complaining or even like criticizing or the things that you notice about other people that kind of drive you crazy, which is a human thing to do. But I really want to talk about that. Okay, so since I had COVID, last month, and I really got a chance to like, do nothing but think. And I can hardly think but in those moments I really had, what I would call like an evolution in how I’m thinking and how I’m feeling and the kinds of things that I want to do started to shift, the things that lit me up, felt different. And that was like a whole new thing. And welcome, it was such a welcome shift in my energy. And I look back over the past, like 12 or 14 months, and so many things have happened, that I think I really, really needed this break. And that break helped me to reset, right, it helped me to realign with my purpose and to where I was going and to really up level. It felt like a true ascension and how I was seeing things and how I was showing up. And to support that I started doing a lot of hypnosis, because I know that repatterning and changing those deep grooves, you know, the patterns that I had been running in the programs that I had been running, I had been running for years and years and years. And so when they shifted to something new, I wanted to support them. You know, sort of like if, if you planted a tree and it’s like a little skinny tree, and even though it’s planted, you put those support pieces of wood up or kind of ropes to like hold it in place. That’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to be able to give this new thought and beliefs and awareness, some support. And so every day I have been doing either well, almost every day hypnosis for sure. And NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming in between all of that. So as things would come up, or things would come into my awareness, or,

you know, something would come up when I was doing the hypnosis and I was like, oh, that’s something new. So I have like a little traveler’s journal, if you guys know what those are traveler’s notebook, and I have just been jotting things down as they come up. So beliefs or ideas that are no longer serving me or, you know, patterns that I noticed, or just any ideas that I have I have been putting in there. Now. You’ve probably heard me talk about this if you have been here for any amount of time. But when Instagram changed, and really started focusing on video, I got so irritated, like I go more irritated than was normal. It just, I I liked doing the podcast. And I liked posting like words. But like having everything shift to video I just was like that’s what it’s trying to be tick tock it was like Instagram trying to be tick tock and I didn’t want to be on tick tock, I love me some tick tock watching. But I didn’t want to be a creator on there. So it’s been an interesting thing, because since everything happened with COVID, I have found that I wanted to share more. Now, here’s the what I see as like the problem. I’m using air quotes the problem with the information that I have to give you is that it it

maybe this is a limiting belief or a limiting thought, but it needs some context. And those support beams, right? Those support things near the tree. It needs something to like a scaffolding around it. And so I always thought like, what am I going to share in 90 seconds on a real like, I need I need more time. Like that’s not the kind of that’s not the format for me. And I really struggled with that because that’s the format to market these days. And that’s where everybody is and I like I mean I wanted to want to do it.

But I just didn’t want to do

So I didn’t,

because that’s one of the beautiful things about my business is that I can do it the way that I want. Now, will I always get the outcome that I want without doing some things? No, but that was like a trade off I was willing to make at the time. Now, I came out of this whole transition and doing all of this hypnosis, getting ideas and writing these down in my travelers notebook. And a lot of those ideas, I felt I could share in 90 seconds or less. And all of a sudden, it started to feel really aligned to show up and do reels. And it started to feel

like really good to share. There’s so much stuff that I’ve got to share. And it felt all of a sudden, like, Okay, I think I can do that in this format. You know, I didn’t want to go on tick tock, I don’t know, tick tock to me is crueler people don’t get people will tell you what they think. And I have, whether it’s good or bad, and I think it holds me back. But I have a fear of being misunderstood. And if I only have 90 seconds to tell you something, there’s a greater chance of being misunderstood. There’s a lot of context and nuance and, and kind of background that go into helping you understand a concept or me sharing a concept. Now, I’m open to that being that I’m not good enough at explaining that I can’t do it in 9090 seconds or less. Like, I’m totally open to that. This is just where I have felt comfortable. And so perhaps there has been a shift over these past six weeks, where I started to believe that I could do it in that amount of time, right. So I started to get a rise in my confidence around it, I started to get clarity on the kinds of things I could share. Because I didn’t want to just share stuff. I wanted it to be, like helpful and useful for people, you know what I mean? Want to just be out there like doing stuff that didn’t matter. So I really, you know, this has been like a struggle in my brain. So

I started making reels, and it felt really good. And then I was talking with a friend and she was like you should put them on tick tock, because if you’ve made the reel, and honestly, that made sense, like from a practical standpoint, like you’ve already made the video, just put it also on tick tock. And so I didn’t feel aligned, but I did it because consciously it made sense. Now, I’m a big fan of running my decisions through my intuition. I don’t want to do anything that doesn’t feel aligned. I also know that sometimes things don’t feel aligned, because there’s fear or patterns that are in the way or self doubt. And so I was really trying to like, extract what was true, and what was not true. Okay.

So I’m going to pause here for one second.

I teach deep streaming, which is a really, which is a way to get in touch with your inner Knower. I teach this to the people inside the alchemy Institute for them to learn it for themselves. And then to use it as a facilitator with clients. Right, so I can have a deep streaming session with somebody. And I can help you to listen to your inner Knower. That way we can extract the inner part of you that knows the goal that you have, and knows how to get there and knows what to do. From the part of you that’s like, patterned and scared and worried about stuff, right? So I didn’t spend, I did not do what I tell people to do. I typically I will only make decisions from that. But I was moving fast. And I was doing a lot of things. And I was like, You know what, I’ll throw some up there. And it hasn’t been bad. But it doesn’t feel good to me. I will tell you that it doesn’t feel good. But I posted a video about complaining. Now. I think we all kind of like inherently feel like complaining is probably not the best idea. But I was explaining it from an unconscious standpoint, and why that’s not the best route for your unconscious and for you to be able to hit your goals and to do the things. Again, I only had 90 seconds.

And somebody posted something like

I don’t think that’s really how it works. Which is totally fair. It’s 90 seconds like I can’t explain exactly how it works. So then I thought well, maybe I’ll just do a whole video or a whole podcast on it because then I can really explain what I mean. So

maybe my maybe my reels will be an indicator of podcasts that need more

More depth, I don’t know. So I thought, let’s come on here. And let’s talk about why complaining isn’t a good idea for you and not for the reasons you might think. So first, before we get started, I want to talk about the unconscious mind. And I want to talk about this idea that our conscious and our unconscious are layered. So if you were to think about our ladder, I want you to just think about, like, think about one of those like wooden ladders that you see like people use in their homes like as decoration, okay, so just like a wooden ladder leaning up against the wall, the very bottom rung of that ladder is your environment. It’s conscious, I can choose to be in my house, I can choose to be outside, I could choose to be at the gym, I could choose to be able to go for a walk, I could choose, right. So my environment. If I’m in an office, and I’m struggling with something, I could choose to go into a conference room to have things be quieter, right, I can make a choice in my environment. It’s conscious.

Above that is my behavior. Also conscious, I can choose to meal prep, I can choose to create this podcast and make go in depth on something. I can choose to write my goals, I can choose to do affirmations, right, I can choose to do a lot of things. And I’m actively making a choice I could do it or not, I’m consciously aware of it. Okay, so that ladder, those bottom two rungs are conscious environment and behavior. Above that is my potential. Now this rung is starting to get unconscious. And by potential I mean, what I think deep down I’m capable of, right. So what I think I can handle what I think I’m what I have skills for all of these things. Now.

This is, if you could think of this ladder rung, starting to become invisible, it’s still kind of there. But it’s starting to go away. It’s unconscious, starting to become unconscious. And when I say unconscious or subconscious, it’s the same thing. Okay, the next rung on the ladder above that is my beliefs. Now, this is mostly unconscious. So you could just imagine this ring is like a holographic like, you can’t even hardly, you can’t even see it, like, you know, it’s there. But you can’t even see it. Now, I could bring some of my beliefs to my consciousness. But those there are millions and millions and kajillion billions of beliefs that you have around things. And those things you don’t even realize you have. Now a belief is like something that I unconsciously think over and over again, and it becomes true to me. This is starting to get into like how I create my reality, I’m going to explain what I mean, okay. Above that is my values. Okay, so these are deep seated values. These are things that are typically formed when I’m very young, zero to seven years old, their beliefs. I mean, they are values that I’ve gotten probably from my family, people I admire, maybe from the church, right? So like, things that were very important in my life as a young person, or from people who were very important to me as a young person. Now, the interesting thing about these two rungs on the ladder, which are unconscious, is that beliefs cluster around a value.

So I might have a value about money, but I would have a whole bunch of beliefs that support that value. Okay. I might have a value about health or exercise, but there’s a whole bunch of beliefs around that that support that value.

I always see like at Thanksgiving time, there’s like, a lot of families that run like turkey trots together. And the people that run Turkey trots together. I have a theory that they marry other people who grew up running Turkey trots together, right. So those people that is a value, like health doing things together as a family like those are deep seated things and not to come they find other people that do the turkey trot. I’ve never married someone that does a turkey trot because I didn’t do that turkey trot. It’s not in my value system. We are attracted. And I don’t just mean like physically attracted but vibrationally

I’m attracted to people who think like us have the same values and belief structures as us. That’s the things that we connect on that helps create rapport and helps us bond with people. Okay? Above that rung on the ladder is our identity. This is who I think I am. When I say I’m that, that’s the thing. And now I don’t mean a role. It’s not like I’m a mom, I’m, but it’s deeper than that. It’s like, I’m a procrastinator, like, you’ll hear people say that I’m a procrastinator. And I always think, like, do you want to own that as your identity, the top rung of the ladder? Now, why does that matter? Unconscious? Why does it matter? Because the higher up on the rung, the more it starts to impact the things below it.

Okay, so my identity impacts my values, and my beliefs. And then what I think I am capable of my potential and then my behavior in my environment. Now, those people that do the turkey trots, do you think that they have to be in the right environment to be active?

No, it’s just who they are. It doesn’t matter the environment, because that’s who they are. Right? They don’t have to worry about their behavior. It’s not like they’re like, oh, I have to remember that. This is who I am I, I’m a I’m a kind of person that runs every day and is active and gets outside and goes hiking. Like, that’s just who those people are. Right?

It’s not, it doesn’t take effort.

When we try to change, and we say I really want to be the kind of person who is outdoorsy, let’s say,

that kind of person that runs the turkey trot. And I start working on my behavior. In my environment, let’s say I moved to Colorado, I’m like, I am going to hike every day, I’m moving to Colorado, okay, change my environment,

my behavior, I’m going to, I’m going to hike every Saturday morning, I’m going to go walking every day I’m going to be that behavior will last for a certain amount of time. But then it will default

to what your identity is. Because identity is higher, it’s going to impact everything below it. So if your deep seated identity is not that you are a hiker, and an outdoorsy person, then pretty soon, your behaviors just gonna go back to normal. This is why January 1, people make goals, January 20, they abandon those goals and think it’s because they are weak or not good enough, or whatever. And none of that is true. It’s just because they did they’ve we’ve never been taught that we have to start from the top, you have to shift your identity. And then your values, change your beliefs change your potential, what you think you can do changes, and then your environment in your behavior just automatically falls into place. And then you’re like, This was so easy.

If you ask a skinny person who has been skinny their whole life, skinny their whole life, like what do you do? I don’t know. It’s just who I am. I don’t know, I just have, I promise you, there’s actions that they take, because it’s impacted. Okay, so now, we got that.

Now, there are prime directives, they’re called it, these are the things that my unconscious mind is designed to do. The number one prime directive is just to keep me alive. That’s it. It’s just to keep me alive. So it will do anything that it can to keep me breathing or doing the things. I think this explains so much. This is why like, if I have to do a keynote speech, and I feel nervous, because my brain might think, well, now I’ve done some but but the first time that you go up and speak this is why people have such a fear of speaking, is because their brain goes, we’ve never done this.

We could die. It doesn’t know. Right? And I think that because of the nature of our world, now I don’t have to be scanning for lions and tigers and bears. And so my unconscious mind is scanning for something to be afraid of. And it’s like I don’t the neighbor, the guy online, the person who put that Facebook post up. And so we get really invested in that thing because our brains need to protect us.

Well, one of the directives of our unconscious mind

is and you may hear this spiritually called the law of oneness.

But it is the idea that my unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between me and you.

It doesn’t understand that there is a difference. Now, I think we could, if you’ve ever read that book the holographic universe like, is, you could go into a whole discussion on, is this even real? Is this reality? Is everybody out there just a projection of different parts of me? am I experiencing myself like, all of these things, right? But let’s keep it simple. And let’s just say my unconscious brain doesn’t know that you’re separate from me, in that, when I say, Oh, my God, they’re so dumb. Oh, my God, they’re so annoying. My unconscious brain doesn’t know. And you’ve probably heard it doesn’t know the word not. Right. So it doesn’t know. Also, that someone else is separate. So when I say they are so annoying, my unconscious mind says, I’m so annoying.

When I say that, they’re driving me crazy. My unconscious mind says like, I’m driving me crazy.

When I say something about someone else, the Warrior Within me, is injured. Now, why does this matter when we talk about the ladder, is that it starts to impact your identity.

Because we say they are, right, I am annoying I am. And now what happens is your identity impacts everything below it, and what’s going to end up being impacted as your behavior and your actions come as part of your behavior. So now, you’ve talked crap about a co worker, your unconscious mind, and, and honestly, and I’m human, so I do it too. Like I’m not judging or saying I don’t do this, like we all do it, I think the the

value is in recognizing it when we do it. And if we have this new perspective on it, it might help us to recognize it. And then we can say, Okay, I’m doing that. And I don’t want to be doing that. Because what will happen is it’ll impact my behavior. And then I want to go get the job promotion, but the back of my head, I have a feeling that’s like no, don’t do that, you’re probably not good enough, you probably won’t get it, or there’s an opportunity to take a leap. You know, we have these opportunities, we have a goal that we want, and our eyes on the goal. And then we’re our unconscious mind is scanning for opportunities

to help us get there quickest way possible. Scanning scanning,

is it going to show you and opportunity, if it thinks you’re dumb, if it thinks you’re annoying, it’s going to bypass that. And and here’s what I mean. And I’m introducing a lot of different concepts. But if you’ve been here for a while, then you are familiar with some of this. But my, my mind is taking in several million pieces of information every second, okay? Every second. So there’s a lot going on. smells, sounds, sights, my nervous system is taking in all this stuff. But it cannot consciously process all of it. Okay, it can only process 126 of those 2 million pieces per second. So every second, I’m able to consciously process 126 pieces, that means there’s millions of pieces of information, every second happening around me, which could be opportunities,

which could be connections to people that would help me get to my goal faster, which could be ideas, which could be anything that I’m not consciously aware of. Because my unconscious mind is sifting and sorting what it thinks is important. And if it’s number one directive is to keep me safe, then it doesn’t want to show me something it thinks is gonna put me out there. And if it thinks I’m stupid, or I’m annoying, it’s not going to show me that piece of information. And I am going to miss opportunities.


when I posted the tic toc and said,

there’s a reason why you don’t want to complain. And someone said it’s not that simple. I agree. It’s not 90 seconds is just not enough.

But I hope this gave it some context and can help to empower you so that you can start to think differently about who you think you are. And start to challenge that. If you want to learn how to do all this work. If you want to learn how to do it with clients become a much better person, a much better life coach. If you’re a coach or a therapist, join us inside the alchemy Institute. There’s a free training on my website, just go to learn NLP. We teach six different modalities that will change your life

It will change the life of your clients if you work with people. And I can’t tell you how many people come through the program, and don’t think they want to work with someone, but then they get this awareness. And then like, oh my gosh, I want to do this.

So check that out. It’s a free training. Just learn a little bit more, and see how you feel about that. And if you notice yourself complaining, just recognize that you’re human, and say, How can I see this differently? What could I experience differently in this situation? Because there are 2 million other bits of information happening around that, that you’re missing. All right. Thank you so much for listening. I love you so much. Go onto Instagram and like one of my reels. cheer me on, because it’s because I’m just sprouting out, and I would love your support. All right. I love you guys. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.

Hey, thanks so much for listening to today’s show. And thank you for sharing the show with your friends. I love when you guys do that. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for leaving me a review on iTunes. I know that it matters because when I go to find a podcast, I always look to see what the reviews are. So it really means a lot to me that you take a minute to like, figure out how to even make that happen. Now, if you want to find me find me on social media, I’m usually on Instagram, starting out on Tik Tok. It’s just my name. Betsy pake, and that’s my website to Betsy pake.com. And you can find out all about the work that I do. having me speak for an event that you might be helping to plan or getting trained inside my alchemy Institute. But to make it really easy, if you want me just shoot me a DM shoot me a direct message on Instagram and I will be at your service. Thanks again for listening. And I will see you all next week.


Meet Betsy!

I'm Betsy Pake!

*Ocean obsessed

*Probably hanging out with my dogs


*Deep thinker

Hey There!

About Betsy

Hi I’m Betsy and I’m a subconscious change expert.
By day you can find me digging deep into the unconscious beliefs and identity of my clients so they can move past self-sabotage and lack of confidence and gain traction in their career and life.